Thursday, December 16, 2010

Movie Dead Baby Jokes

No, silly, not that kind of baby. ...although I feel like there could be a Lindbergh baby reference in here somewhere, minus about 950,000 dollars

Did you see the sequel to the documentary Babies?
Dead Babies? I heard it was really boring.

Why did Rebecca De Mornay cross the road? 
Because she was hemorrhaging like fucking crazy and she needed a doctor

What do you call the disgusting thing that pops out of John Hurt's Chest?
A live alien baby

Did you hear about the new biopic where Katherine Heigl plays Amelia Dwyer?
27+ Dead Babies?

How many dead babies does it take to send Roman Polanski over the edge?
Only one.

What's the difference between a dead baby and Chucky from Child's Play?
For one thing, Chuckie can move. Although, come to think of it, they do look about the same size.

Why did Angelina Jolie cross the road in the 1928?
To look for her baby, who [spoiler alert] is dead.

Why did the Romanian woman cross the back alley?
Uh, what are you stupid? You're going to get an illegal abortion in the road?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Alternate Endings for James Bond Films

Timothy "H Bond" Dalton. GET IT, HE'S A WEAK BOND


James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
[Bond Dies]


Vijay: Is he still there?
Q: You must be joking! Double O Seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!
[cut to plane crash in Bahamas, close up of Roger Moore's dead eyes]

The Living Daylights

Bond and Kara Milovy have escaped their small holding cell. "You were fantastic. We're free," says Kara. Bond replies, "Kara, we're inside an airbase in the middle of Russian Afghanistan." One of the guards runs out, exclaims, "Timothy Dalton, you are the worst Bond ever!" and shoots him through the heart.

Licence to Kill

The camera opens up on Bond, stoic and emotionless, just staring into the camera, like it's not there, but somehow he's mugging for it anyway, and well... you get the idea. A crazed fan runs out and begins shouting at Bond, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE! NOBODY LIKES YOU! WHY WOULD YOU BE IN A SECOND MOVIE! FUCK YOU!"


M: If you think for one moment I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong. [M motions at one of her bodyguards, who promptly shoots Bond through the head]

Casino Royale

Bond wakes up at Mathis' villa to the realization that his entire genital area is either gone or grossly disfigured after he was tortured by Le Chiffre. Having discovered that this new wheelchair-bound, neutered Bond is only half the man he used to be, Vesper Lynd leaves Bond for greener pastures and makes off with the Queen's money. Bond, distraught that he has been left by the one woman he has given his heart to, kills himself by chewing a piece of explosive gum he has been given by Q.

Quantum of Solace

[doesn't happen because Bond took his own life in Casino Royale]

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Top 5 Worst First Dates EVER

I went on a date with this girl. But the worst part is she's allergic.

5. I got the axe I went on this date with this girl from theology class I thought was cute, although maybe a little too wholesome for me, but when we went back to her place I found out she was actually working with an axe-wielding madman! He chopped off my left arm, two fingers on my right hand, a bunch of toes, and poked my eyes out. Last time I go out with a Catholic girl!

4. The Bee's Knees Everything was going well, and I'd even set up this picnic for us in this secluded romantic park. As she's going down on me, however, this swarm of bees shows up and starts attacking us. I try to get out of her mouth and run away, but she isn't budging. Turns out she went into anaphylactic shock. I believe an "FML" is in order.

3. Choices, choices So we wound up in this Saw-style abandoned warehouse trap in which I was given the choice between killing this girl and my sister, or else we all died. Something about "who you love most" or something. Needless to say, I chose my sister. I feel like anything else would have been a pretty big step for a first date.

2. RAPE! The date itself was okay, but this girl was totally glued to her blackberry even after making me pay for the cab ride home. Seriously, she was just reading about herself on twitter the entire time! What a narcissist! When we got back to my place I could already tell the magic was gone. I only had sex with her because it felt like the right thing to do at the moment, and when the condom broke she made me keep on going even though I felt uncomfortable about it. Two days later I found out she slept with someone else that same week! Yuck! So now we're both pressing rape charges and she's in jail.

1. Leakage Having read her blog a couple of times before she got lazy and gave up on it for a month, I thought this girl would be really cool. But when we got to Starbucks all she wanted to talk about was Wikileaks! I mean, it wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the fact that afterward we went on a four hour walk and she still wouldn't shut up about Julian Assange and how great he is! FOUR HOURS. Who the fuck does that?! Also, she was on her period and noticeably not wearing a tampon, hence the leakage.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

20 Shards of Glass A Day!

Yum! Blown glass pickles! Just like normal pickles with twice the nutritional value!

What's it like to eat nothing but ground up glass every day for two straight months?! We've asked Nino Schibetta, executive director of the Michigan Junk-as-Food Commission, to find out! His blog about the endeavor will be posted here, on Splatitudes, until the two months expire, but then, who knows? Maybe he'll continue posting quizzes and contests to bring attention to the nutritional value of shards of glass!

11/31/2010 17:11 -- Nino
I am so excited to start blogging about this experiment! One of my awesome coworkers is currently poring over the FDA and the USDA archives to find out information on the exact nutritional value of my diet! I can't wait to find out exactly what nutrients I'll be getting daily. We'll post that information tomorrow, when I start my diet! For now, wish me luck!

12/1/2010 20:04 -- Nino
There goes my first amazing day of orgasmic glass-eating! For breakfast I ate a delicious shattered vase that my wife made for me. She's so great! She even melted a little bouillon cube onto it for extra flavor. For lunch I ate a glass plate, piece by piece, and then for dinner I had a blown glass sculpture of a fried chicken leg made especially for me to commemorate my little diet! Thanks so much guys, you shouldn't have!

12/2/2010 14:25 -- Nino
Just finished eating a delicious lunch of ground up shards-of-glass with maple syrup! Yum! Did you know that glass is a cheaper source of iron and riboflavin than breakfast cereal? The more you know...

12/3/2010 16:45 -- Nino
Today was my son's baseball tournament! Those little boys played their hearts out and lost the championship, but you know what, it's not about winning or losing, it's about fun! So we all went out for pizza and while all of the kids were eating pizza I was eating... shards of glass! I've been having a hard time meeting my 2000 calorie intake eating only shards of glass, and today in spite of having eaten more than twenty shards of glass I only ate 1500 calories! Also I got a really bad nosebleed today! I'm really tired, gonna go to bed. See you all tomorrow! ;)

12/4/2010 21:32 -- Nino
I walked by my favorite Chinese food restaurant and felt the scent of Kung Pao chicken waft into my nostrils today, but I resolved to stay strong! My wife even made me a sort of shards-o-glass stir fry to lighten my mood! Unfortunately, I began to bleed out of my eyes and ruined the whole dish! Sorry, hon!

12/5/2010 10:30 -- Nino
I feel like absolute s*** today and I called out of work. Maybe eating only shards of glass every day for two months wasn't such a great idea? Or maybe it's something completely unrelated! Either way, not feeling well, and blood has started to drip out of my right ear and its making hearing pretty hard! On another note, shards of glass are a great source of Vitamin C! I'm gonna go back to bed though! Talk to you tomorrow!

12/6/2010 12:15 -- Nino
There is blood all over my house and I'm starting to feel faint! My wife made me glass loaf- sort of like meat loaf, but with nothing but glass and calorie-less sauce- and get this, my nose literally fell off! My son started crying, and I told him, son, nobody likes a quitter! So here I am, on day 6, with some sort of awful disease, and I'm still eating nothing but shards of glass!

12/7/2010 16:22 -- O'Reily

Monday, December 6, 2010

Santa Claus Assassinated in Drone Strike

Image of Santa Claus released by Interpol

For our earlier coverage of Drones, click here, here, and here.

NORTH POLE- The militant leader Santa Claus was killed in a drone strike last night on the border between this arctic outpost and neighbor Canada, according to security contractors who requested anonymity. The border, which has recently turned into a hot-spot for elven extremist terrorism, has become increasingly unstable since political unrest forced Canadian PM Stephen Harper to disband parliament.

"We can't just sit idly by as Santa's merry elves get their hands on a nuclear device," explained Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in an interview last Friday with ABC's Matt Lauer.

The threat of Santa and his elves building their own weapon is, however, highly unlikely as Santa's workshop, located at North Pole capital Santa'a, has recently been reduced to rubble by US cluster bombs.

Sources say that Santa's radicalization began about fifteen years ago when one of his elves showed him pictures of the 1996 shelling of the Qana, Lebanon refugee camp by Israeli soldiers. According to CIA officials, intelligence indicates that Santa was planning on crashing his sled into the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower in Chicago, in a plot reminiscent of 9/11.

According to recently leaked documents procured by the whistleblower website Wikileaks, leadership throughout the northern hemisphere that had seemed friendly to Santa Claus have in fact been asking the United States to intervene in the north pole on their behalf. "You need to bomb them to the ground. Santa Claus is an existential threat who must be stopped," said Finland's president Tarja Halonen.

Russian PM Vladimir Putin agreed in a separate cable, also calling him "an existential threat," but adding "if Russia wanted to, we could have him in Siberia tomorrow watching as his severed penis is fed to strong Russian dogs," and noting that "Santa Claus is weaker than f***ing Medvedev."

"Luckily, that won't be necessary," said a CIA official. "We got him the good, old-fashioned, legal way, away from anything so dangerous as a battlefield."

The real losers here, however, are the children of the world, who will not be receiving presents this year. "I can't believe they killed Santa," said one girl, in tears. "NOW I'LL NEVER GET MY HASBRO PRETTY POLLY DOLL! WAAAAHHHHH." One activist put it surprisingly succinctly: "Oh come on, we all know that Santa Claus isn't real- er, not a real threat."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

New TSA Procedure

Gosh, that bald eagle makes me feel way better about some thirty year old on a power trip playing with my six year old son's balls

The primary goal of the TSA is to create a fun, safe environment for flying with minimal embarrassment for travelers. In fact, we've even allocated as much as five thousand tax-payer dollars towards training our officers to understand that passengers have boundaries. In addition, we've spoken with an American in a wheelchair to better suit the needs of the disabled.

The Process:

TSA has finally struck the perfect balance between security and comfort with our newest procedure. While you may be unfamiliar with these new procedures, we assure you that they have been created for your safety. Because terrorists have begun to swallow bombs in order that they may kill you, and the freedom you love, you may be subject to exploratory stomach surgery.

For Your Privacy and Comfort:

A trained TSA official will make an incision with a scalpel in your abdominal area and, wearing sterile gloves, feel around for prohibited material with the back of his/her hand. Don't worry, you will only be searched by a person of the same sex, and you may request that this search be done in private.

Baggage Screening:

Occasionally the exploratory surgery will warrant a closer look inside of your baggage. Our TSA officers have been trained to do this as discretely as possible, and most airports now have tables with side-walls in order to protect your privacy. We suggest that you think carefully about what you put in carry-on baggage, as most clothing will result in indefinite detention for the safety of the passengers around you.

Passengers with Disabilities:

Passengers with disabilities will be laughed at as discreetly as possible, especially if their disability necessitates some sort of urine-holding device. If you are one such passenger, you should be aware that having more than three ounces of urine in your body will result in jail time.

We suggest that you communicate with our trained officers about your condition, although your exploratory surgery will be subject to the same rigor as those of other passengers. People with pacemakers will also be subject to exploratory heart surgery, and those with bionic legs will be kept from planes as there is no way of knowing whether or not they are in fact robot terrorists from the future.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Republican Pundit Debates Democratic Pundit About Wikileaks

Artist's rendition of Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange, courtesy of

For our earlier investigative reporting Julian Assange, click here

Republican: Good afternoon, Democrat.

Democrat: Good afternoon, Republican.

Republican: So we've got a lot to talk about, what with news that Sweden has issued an arrest warrant for Julian Assange on charges of rape.

Democrat: I think we're really missing the point here, when we talk about these allegations. The real news is that the New York Times has obtained evidence that Julian Assange is actually a swamp monster. I mean, can we really trust information relayed to us by a swamp monster?

Republican: See- now, I know, we disagree on a lot [laughs]- but this is one thing we can agree on. I don't understand why people seem to care so much about these rape charges when in reality this Mr. Assange is some sort of axe-wielding swamp terrorist.

Democrat: Now hold on a second. I don't know that I would go that far. I mean, we don't even really have reliable intelligence that he has an axe, so I don't think we could call him a terrorist.

Republican: What about material support for terrorism? He's given aide to the terrorists! Don't you understand? That makes him a terrorist.

Democrat: Well, I mean, if we knew he had an axe... That would be material support for terrorism.

Republican: I think we're arguing over semantics here. I think we can both agree that Mr. Assange should be arrested.

Democrat: Oh, well, duh.

Republican: Luckily, though, we've got Julian Assange's body double here to talk with us via interweb vision technology. What do you have to say for yourself, asshole?

Australian Baritone with Brown Hair: Well, I just think that-

Democrat: I see you've got a new haircut.

ABBH: Look, these ridiculous charges that I'm some kind of Swamp-

Democrat: It really suits you, you know.

Republican: Really? You've got the representative of one of the world's most nefarious terrorist organizations on and you want to ask him about his haircut? I want this piece of shit to tell my why I shouldn't just shoot him and make the real Julian Assange come out of his swamp.

Democrat: We don't know for sure it's a swamp.

Republican: Maybe it's a cave... Maybe it's the same cave as Bin Laden!

Democrat: Well, we don't know that for sure.

ABBH: Uh, excuse me, there are actually important revelations in these documents. Secretary of State Clinton literally asked US Diplomats to spy on top UN-


Democrat: Yeah, I mean, that information is sorta, you know, classified.

Republican: You know, my magazine won't even publish information regarding that kind of sensitive material.

ABBH: You know, neither one of you is a real journalist.

Democrat: Hey! That's not fair. The newspaper I work for just buries all of the worthwhile information under tons of unreliable bullshit about Iran's nuclear program. I mean, just yesterday we did a piece about how The US pressured both Germany and Spain to refrain from investigating torture of innocent nationals from their countries. I mean, yeah, it was on A27, but that's not that bad, right?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tis the Season... FOR SPLATITUDES

Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's problem

I would like to apologize to both of you loyal readers for missing out on the month of November. What happened, might you ask? I turned twenty one, blacked out at a bar, woke up in the basement of a masked man with a chainsaw and escaped less one left arm, one right eye, two fingers on my right hand and a number of toes that I have not had the resilience to count yet. After that weekend, I spent two weeks crying and another week learning how to type with only two fingers. I am sorry if this information causes distress for some people, but I believe I owe to my readers to explain my situation.

And now, without further ado, the top ten things that suck about my life:

10. I am developing carpal tunnel in my two remaining fingers

9. I am no longer ambidextrous

8. While I was gone my roommate drank all of my Four Loco and NOW IT'S ILLEGAL WTF

7. I no longer have a hard time identifying with Daniel Day Lewis's character in "My Left Foot"

6. The man who maimed me will not be prosecuted due to pressure from the pro-chainsaw lobby

5. My depth perception is so skewed that objects in mirror are generally closer than... well, actually, I have no idea where the fuck they are

4. The assailant also cut my tongue off (guess I forgot to mention that one), and I am now no longer able to bring my girlfriend to orgasm

3. She left me for a lumberjack (OH THE CRUEL IRONY)

2. I haven't yet figured out how to masturbate using only my thumb, pinky and forefinger without hurting myself

1. I have to go back to school in the Spring

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Things You Can Do Now That You're Twenty-One

Congrats! You can now drown someone in Anheuser Busch products!

-Drink yourself to death

-Play half-shattered beer bottle tag

-Waterboard someone in single malt, aged scotch whiskey

-Assassinate a political figure by slipping something into his drink; yeah, that's right, the one you just ordered for him

-Buy a handgun- and/or a semi-auto- and, uh, defend yourself (oh shit, sorry, you could do that one at eighteen)

-Run someone over in a rented car (although the insurance is really high)

-Get kneecapped by someone in Vegas after cheating on the casino floor

-Become an MP in England


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dragons Defeat Knights in Landslide Victory

Nancy Pelosi, knight of California's 8th district, will likely sacrifice herself to the dragons in shame after Tuesday's bloodbath in Haus.

The biggest news this attrition cycle was the utter and complete destruction of knights yesterday by fire-breathing dragons. Dragons have killed 60 knights in the larger battlefield of Haus while knights managed to hold them back- momentarily- in the smaller town of Sen-A'at, suffering casualties of 6. Knights did not manage to kill a single dragon.

Many kind hearted peasant-folk are blaming the knights for their incoherence, inability to work with one-another, inability to eke out a compromise with fire-breathing dragons, and allegiance to nothing but the King's money.

"You ask me, these knights are f***ing rubbish," said one such commoner, under the condition of anonymity. "They would sell the lot of us out to a f***ing alchemist if there was gold in it. And what about this f***ing healthcare reform? Their grand solution for healthcare is forcing us all to pay a tithing to fire-breathing dragons? Why the f*** can't they provide us healthcare?"

The knights did have their fans, however. "I really think that the knights made a valiant effort when they prevented the collapse of General Dragons by giving them a few billion dollars," explained another commoner. "Of course, I don't actually have any effect on this outcome, but I would much rather the knights win."

"My bloody home was taken away by a dragon working with a knight," said John of Merrymount, a serf on a small plot only a few miles away from the battlefields of Sen-A'at and Haus. "Really? These are our options? Dragons, who bathe our homes in fire, and knights, who are only interested in money and self-preservation?"

The dragons, lead by their speaker John Boehner, have as yet refused to explain what exactly their strategy is now that they have effectively conquered the realm of man. "Well, we haven't exactly decided yet, but you can expect some fire-breathing, maybe some turmoil, but really we're just waiting to see how the head knight f***s up," he said in a press conference on Wednesday morning.

"You can expect everything to shut down. And I swear to God, in six years we will roast Harry Reid on a spit," said Jim DeMint, a member of the dragon leadership who got himself into hot water recently after  suggesting that gay dragons were the equivalent of lowly humans, referring to Knight Harry Reid.

One thing was for sure, and that was that the reason the knights lost the battle of Haus was because the Knights had not kowtowed enough to the dragons. "Next time we'll make sure and get [the dragons] an even better tithing than we did with the Health Care Decree or the Bail-Out Decree or the FISA Decree," explained Steny Hoyer, who will likely be the new leader of the Knights following current leader Nancy Pelosi's inevitable ritual sacrifice. "We're sure to win as long as we give them Social Security, and let them continue to force people out of their homes with flames."

Monday, November 1, 2010

Historical Dead Baby Jokes

Babies from around the world!

What do you call 400 or more dead babies over the course of twenty years?
Amelia Dyer's handiwork

How would you describe Charles Lindburgh's baby?

What do you call 12% of North Korea's babies dead?
The Arduous March

Why did the North Korean baby cross the road in 1994?
To avoid dying of starvation

How many dead babies does it take to please a just and loving God?
One, named Isaac

What do you call a half a baby?
A fair compromise according to Solomon, duh

What did the Egyptian dude do upon experiencing the death of his first and only child?
Slapped his forehead and said, "Godamnit! Forgot the lamb's blood again!"

Sunday, October 31, 2010

All Hallows' Day Tips: Great Hallow's Costume Ideas!

St. Joan of Arc

All Saints' Day, November 1st, is a fun holiday for Christians of all western denominations! Here at Splatitudes we've compiled a short of list of fun All Saints' Day costumes you could wear to your Hallows' Day office party, frat party, or mass.

Slutty Joan of Arc: All you need is a chainmail bra and a large pole to tie to your back. Anybody can be hot like Joan of Arc.

Saint Agnes: You don't have to be a virgin to dress up as this sexy little twelve year old martyr. Tie a little red ribbon around your neck and wear a skintight black leotard; all the guys go crazy.

Perpetua and Felicity: You and a friend dress up in tiny togas (be careful not to let too much show! Luckily, you can always go online and buy vatican-approved crucifix pasties if you're afraid of a little wardrobe malfunction) and walk a "wild beast" (a dog) around the neighborhood. People will ogle your faith! Don't forget to thank God when the wild beast tears the two of you apart.

Margaret Pole: So she's not technically a saint, and really didn't do anything all that great, but she has been beatified and the Catholic church considers her a martyr, so what the heck! Use ketchup to create 10-12 realistic looking gashes in your neck and shoulder area to represent the 10-12 times the last living member of the house of Plantagenet was struck.

Canonizations of J2P2: You and your entire sorority could dress up as the various saints canonized by John Paul the Second, although you're going to have to have a pretty big sorority! Options include Jeanne Delanoue, Paula Frassinetti, Magdalene of Nagasaki, Marina of Omura, Eustochia Smeraldo Calafato, Magdalen of Canossa, Clerla Barbieri, Agnes of Bohemia, Mutien-Marie Wiaux, Claudine Thevenet, Juana Fernandez Solar, Hedwig: Queen of Poland, Edith Stein, Agostina Livia Pietrantoni, Sister Faustina, Maria de Jesus Sacramentado Venegas, Maria Josefa of the Heart of Jesus Sancho de Guerra, Katharine Drexel, Josephine Bakhita, Teresa Eustochio Verzeri, Paula Montal Fornes de San Jose de Calasanz, Maria Crescentia Hoss, Pauline of the Agonizing Heart of Jesus, Benedetta Cambiagio Frasinello, Josemaria Escriva, Angela de la Cruz, Maria Maravillas de Jesus, Urszula Ledochowska, Maria de Mattias, Virginia Centurione Bracelli, Paola Elizabetta Cerioli, Gianna Beretta Molla, and a ton of nameless Korean and Vietnamese martyrs, just to name the women! You could be "ironic" and dress up as the male saints canonized by John Paul II, but none of the frat boys will want you.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween Tips: Places to Steer Clear of This Halloween

Some folks may try to abduct your children, dye their hair strange colours, and put them on the market for prostitution. The first step towards prevention is awareness.

Halloween is a fun, spooky night for the whole family; that said, we've all heard the horror stories about razor blades in candy apples and axe murderers who would like nothing more than to rape and kill your children. That's why we passed Megan's Law! Now YOU can go onto the internet and find out where monstrous sex offenders lurk near YOUR house. Of course, sometimes looking through the sex offender registry isn't enough to keep your children safe on Halloween. That's why we've created a list of neighborhoods in the Boston area to steer clear of.

The Fens: Reports coming from The Fens suggest that young people have been given anthrax and botulism coated candy in the area, and that the homeless people are not only creepy but also dangerous and highly skilled in the art of stealing your children. We suggest that for a fun, safe halloween you simply stay away from this neighborhood.

The Back Bay: While the Back Bay is home to some of Boston's most successful lawyers, it is also home to numerous child rapists and murderers who have not been caught yet. We suggest that if you take your kids to the Back Bay, you should have your head checked.

Beacon Hill: Rich people in Beacon Hill have a taste for young flesh, and enjoy showing off their youthful trophies to their rich friends. If you don't want your children to be taken and taxidermied we suggest keeping away from Beacon Hill.

The Theater District: Okay, so the Theater District isn't dangerous, and the people there won't kidnap your children. But seriously, do want your kids to be inundated with gay propaganda? Studies show that having a gay child is worse than having no child at all. You don't want your kid to be brainwashed by homosexuals, do you?

Chinatown: They will take your child and tear his/her fingernails out, as if your child were a member of the Falun Gong cult, one by one. Or perhaps drip water on your child's forehead until he/she goes insane. Also, be aware, the people of Chinatown could steal your low-wage factory job!

Allston/Brighton: Allston is a hedonistic wonderland of premarital sex, wanton drug use, and murder. A massive, scaled monster with red eyes and a taste for child-blood has been sighted running around Allston and looking for children in home-made costumes. If you want your child to be safe trick-or-treating in Allston, we suggest you shop for your child's costume at a local Target.

Cambridge/Somerville: The hippies of Cambridge and Somerville will force your kids to take lethal doses of Acid (LSD), suggesting that it will make them see magical unicorns.

Roxbury/Mattapan/Jamaica Plain: These poor neighborhoods are full of poor people who wear baggy clothing and speak in urban dialect. These poor people will kill you for your watch. In the middle of the street. Even if it's in the middle of the day, and your watch is a Timex. That's why you should never walk through/drive through/look at Roxbury at night. Especially if it's Halloween.

As you can see, the only safe places in Boston on Halloween are Government Center, where our dutiful civil servants work day and night to keep you safe, and Faneuil Hall, where you can trick or treat safely at Boston Confection and Creamery (TM) or Kilvert & Forbes Ltd. (TM) for a nominal fee. Trust us, it's worth it to keep your child from being abducted, tortured, subjected to human trafficking, drugged, brainwashed into accepting homosexual behavior, and shot dead.

Arsenic Lite

Need to poison your husband for the life insurance, but can't be seen at the funeral next to a chubby corpse?
...Arsenic Lite!

Your Econ professor gave you a bad grade, and clearly needs to lose some weight?
...Arsenic Lite!

Need someone to lose a little more than 21 grams?
...Arsenic Lite!

Want to just end it all but you can't bare the thought of your living relatives making fun of your thighs?
...Arsenic Lite!

Guy next to you on the plane should have paid for two seats?
...Arsenic Lite!

Arsenic Lite is all the arsenic with half the calories! Also try Arsenic Zero, Caffeine-Free Arsenic, Virgin Arsenic, and Arsenic Original, now available in strawberry and grape flavours.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Radovan Karadzic Krack-Ups!

Radovan Karadzic, aka Peter Gluman, aka Dragan David Dabic, courtesy of Wikipedia

What do you call a genocidaire with a mad scientist hair-do and a knack for hilarious hijinks?

What do you call a really cool, really genocidal convection appliance?
A rad oven

What ridiculously misogynistic battle cry did Radovan Karadzic use to distract the interpol agents at his house?
"Da-bich! Da-bich did it! Not me, her! She just left!"

What do you call a spunky kung fu fighting female with a taste for genocide?
A Karad-chick

What would you call Radovan Karadzic if he was born just a little further to the North-East?
Moldovan Karadzic

What's Radovan Karadzic's favorite way to do drugs?
Sniffing Gluman

Where would Radovan Karadzic set his genocidal update of "A Clockwork Orange?"
The former droog-o-slavia

Monday, October 25, 2010

Fourth Hand Smoke Kills Babies

Jonathan Winickoff, Harvard researcher and anti-smoking advocate. "No seriously, I don't see a conflict of interest in taking most of the money for my research from the company that manufactures nicorette," he explains.

We've heard of the cancer-causing properties of second hand smoke, and the IQ-lowering properties of third hand smoke, but now a Harvard-educated doctor has brought a dangerous new form of tobacco ingestion to light: fourth hand smoke.

"If you are in a room with someone who recently had contact with a smoker days after smoking a cigarette- even if it was outside- your children will die," explained Dr. Jonathan Winickoff. "In our study of five different lab rats, we found that after the lab rats had been exposed to second hand smoke that one of their children- residing in another pen, in a different room, with no contact with the parents- died."

This is an alarming new development, as parents who used to believe that their children who had only experienced tobacco through anti-smoking commercials were safe now know that they are not.

"Gosh, after I heard about fourth hand smoking, I just- I can't believe that these fucking illegal immigrants- excuse me, smokers- would knowingly harm my children like this," explained one fearful parent, under the condition of anonymity.

"F*** this, this is just an excuse to raise the taxes on packs of cigarettes," explained one misguided soul, lost to the allures of Big Tobacco. "If this bulls*** about fourth hand smoke- or third hand smoke, for that matter- was true, why don't they just make them illegal?"

But the tragedy of fourth hand smoke is all too real. Just ask Miriam Schlotznick, a local shop-owner. "My child died from fourth hand smoke," she said. "My ex-husband is a smoker, and one day my child walked into the middle of the street and got hit by a car and died."

"As if the fourth hand thing isn't bad enough, our study of lab rats also shows that smokers are more likely to gauge the eyes out of passers-by with silverware, brutally murder their loved ones and eat and/or have sex with the corpses, carry the bubonic plague, and yearn for a simpler life in a sewer," elaborated Dr. Winickoff.

"I don't say this to defame smokers," he added, "just to protect our children. And to get people who smoke to quit smoking using Nicorette (TM) gum. Oh yeah, and to create more smoke-free public spaces. And to make it illegal to smoke indoors. Also so people understand that allowing a smoker in their house- even if that person hasn't smoked a cigarette all day- will kill their children."

Sunday, October 24, 2010

REPORT: Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange Actually Axe-Wielding Swamp Monster

John F. Burns, NYTimes "reporter" whose pulitzer prize winning account of the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia involved interviews with a Serbian murderer who, as it happens, didn't kill at least two people who he said he had after having the shit beaten out of him by guards at the prison where Burns interviewed him. Also, those guards were there when Burns interviewed him. Also, Burns failed to mention this in his pulitzer-winning account. What does this have to do with Julian Assange? READ ON...

According to at least one disgruntled Wikileaks employee, Wikileaks' founder and main spokesman, Julian Assange, is not what he seems. "That guy from the interviews or whatever," explained the former employee, on condition of anonymity, "that's not actually Julian. That's just some guy who the real Julian Assange hires to play him on tv. The real Julian isn't even Australian."

Upon further questioning the former employee finally told us that Julian Assange is, in fact, "made out of mud- and human excrement" and "came from a swamp somewhere, although [the employee is] not sure where exactly." The former employee added: "oh yeah, and he has this big axe that he chops people's heads off with, and it's really scary, so you shouldn't listen to anything he says."

"This is preposterous," said Assange's human body-double, "do I look like some kind of axe-wielding swamp monster? Crikey."

"I don't really think that you can trust a man- excuse me, an evil deity of the swamp- who would release documents that could clearly lead to the deaths of at least five bazillion members of our armed forces, and even more Iraqis," explained John F. Burns, a reporter for the New York Times. "And now we find out that the guy's actually an axe-wielding madman and not an adorable Australian hacker? Like we can honestly believe anything that these documents say now."

Mr. Assange's organization, Wikileaks, was responsible for the leak of 400,000 secret U.S. Military documents, all of which harm our national security interest. When we asked Mr. Assange's lying human stand-in to weigh in on the issue of the real Mr. Assange's true identity, he said that "it is ridiculous that you would focus on my personal life when you have just been given access to documents that clearly state that THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS COMMITTED WAR CRIMES IN IRAQ BOTH THROUGH ITS ACTIVE WANTON MURDER OF IRAQI CIVILIANS (SIXTY SIX THOUSAND OF THEM ACCORDING TO THE OFFICIAL TALLY- that's right, the tally that they denied the existence of up until now) AND ITS PASSIVE ALLOWANCE OF BRUTAL TORTURE BY COALITION-GUIDED IRAQI FORCES."

He added: "But yeah, I'm an axe-wielding swamp monster. John F. Burns can go fuck himself, and maybe while he's at it he can own up to the fact that his pulitzer prize for Bosnia was bullshit, and the statements he received from Borislav Herak were the result of torture. Oh right, and resign his post at The Times in shame."

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Elizabeth Bathory's Facebook Page

me n my new dress its so kewl

Stefan Bathory: You looked so young when I saw you!
--Elizabeth Bathory likes this

Elizabeth Bathory is no longer married to Ferenc Nadasdy

Elizabeth Bathory posted a note: "biting sum gurl's face off is waaayyyy better thn sex"

Istvan Magyari: Holy shit, girl, u r up in some crazy intense shit
--King Mathias: oh cum on dude its elzibeth bathry gyorgy u go chck it out wen u get the chace
--Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo: will do, sir

Dorottea Szentes tagged Elizabeth Bathory in the note "Rub a dub dub in a tub fulla blud"
--Elizabeth Bathory: not truuueeeee how many times do i hav to tellll youuuuu

Elizabeth Bathory posted a new photo album: "haha stupid peasant girls i froze to death when i was totally fuxed up"

Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo: Holy shit, girl, ur up in sum crazzzzy intens shit

Elizabeth Bathory is no seriously y is all you a$$holez hating

Janos Ujvary: gurl wtf did u get us into
--Dorottea Szentes, Ilona Jo, and Katarina Benicka like this

King Mathias created a Page: "elizabeth bathory is a total skank and shood get excuted"
--300+ witnesses like this
--Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo: dude i think we should kill tha other ones instead
--King Mathias: y do u think that
--Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo: nobody seems to know lol
--King Mathias: ok i agree

Elizabeth Bathory is it s totally gay tht my freinds got excutid but like its cool im here alive ;)

Elizabeth Bathory is attending "buried at Ecsed in 1614"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Five Day Weather and Werewolf Forecast

We aren't as lucky as the sun; we humans have to deal with werewolves.

Friday: Sunny with a 0% chance of werewolves. Not quite a full moon yet, although you can expect a clear blue sky and a high of 50.

Saturday: Partly cloudy with a 100% chance of werewolves. While there won't be any rain during the day, there will be scattered showers in the evening, around when the werewolves will begin coming out. They'll be turning at around six o'clock, so any time after six it is advised that you stay out of Harry's Pub, The Gray Dog, and other establishments popular amongst werewolves, as you may be mauled, eaten, or turned into a werewolf yourself.

Sunday: Heavy rain with a 53% chance of werewolves. The same goes for Sunday. Stay at home, or at least away from well known werewolf haunts. Also, occasionally werewolves will get into violent, protracted fights with drunken Red Sox zombies, and you are particularly advised to stay away from Fenway Park at night.

Monday: Heavy rain with a 0% chance of werewolves. Get out your raincoat! Monday's going to be one rainy day, with possible floods on the Mass Pike and other routes.

Tuesday: Light showers with a 0% chance of werewolves. Tuesday should be on the warm side, with a high of 60 and a low of 56. It's possible, of course, that there will be scattered light showers on Tuesday morning, until the sun pokes up later on.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Diner Reviews of L'Anthropophagie

At L'Anthropophagie, we only serve the finest Peking Dick. Image courtesy of

To view the seasonal menu at L'Anthropophagie, click here

so like we showed up and the service was pretty good but the food itself wasnt that stellar. i got the rosemary-crusted sam chops and ordered rare but it came out practically bloody. like they cut sam up right before. when i eat people i dont want to feel like im eating people. im not the only one who feels like this right?

I haven't eaten a meal this good in a long, long time. With excellent service, a beautiful decor featuring fine white drapes and some of the most immaculately embroidered tablecloths I have ever seen, and some truly delectable people, L'Anthropophagie has the entire package. It will cost you, but it's worth every penny. I would suggest the ma'am shank and the hank steak.

fuck this place this place is so gay who the fuck eats humans this is fucking gross wtf wtf wtf... came here after reading a review in the ny times didnt realize it entailed eating sum guy named salman thought it was salmon ew ew ew

Could've been worse. The server was nice. The food was okay (the sally dressing was surprisingly delicious but the turduckhuman was just plain weird), but we'll probably be back now that we know what to order. At least they've got better tasting people here than at Le Bernadette.

Speaking as someone who has tasted people in their natural habitat, I can't call L'Anthropophagie particularly authentic, but I also can't say that it has the worst I've eaten. First of all, come on, can't you come up with a more clever name than just "cannibalism" in French? But seriously, the food itself was okay at best. I was kind of shocked at how tiny my portion of brooke a l'orange was, judging by the fact that it cost me twenty dollars, and because we all know that traditional French bernard a l'orange is made with a man and a caramelized orange sauce, not the disgusting goop they gave me.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Banks Hired Zombies to Rubber Stamp Foreclosures

"You think I give a fuck about some fucking recession? Fuck you. We hire zombies to sign off on foreclosures, and we're gonna keep on hiring zombies to sign off on foreclosures, asshole." -Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan-Chase, picture courtesy of BusinessWeek

According to depositions in a lawsuit against some of Wall Street's biggest banks, the mortgage divisions of JPMorgan-Chase and Bank of America hired effectively non-sentient zombies to sift threw and rubber-stamp foreclosures without any previous experience.

In these depositions,  zombies testified that they had no knowledge of real estate, and many could not even define terms as basic as "mortgage" and "foreclosure."

"What do you expect?" asked Kim, a zombie who has withheld her real name due to fear of reprisal. "We're zombies. You think I know what a foreclosure is? They told me, 'Kim, you can make more money doing this than your old job as a hairdresser,' and, honestly, more money means more brains, and I gotta go where the brains are."

Zombies are often barely self-aware and have no interest in anything other than eating live human flesh, specifically brains. The assumption of those filing the suit is that zombies were hired specifically due to their deference to authority and inability to think for themselves.

"MMMMMMMM... WANT... FLESH..." reads the answer to the question "how would you determine whether or not a foreclosure can legally take place" from one deposition of a former "foreclosure expert." Others depositions only contain moans, written out phonetically.

"None of this is true. This is just people who want our money," said Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase. "These people are so fucking stupid, who the fuck would listen to these fucking poor people? I'm worth like twenty million of these fucking people. What do I care? Christ- we hired zombies- so what? It's not like hiring zombies is illegal."

He added: "Besides, some of these zombies were foreclosure experts before they died, anyway."

Monday, October 18, 2010

Five Reasons to Abstain From Leaving Your House

One cool way to express that you want to abstain from leaving the house is by wearing a ring engraved with scripture. Photo courtesy of

Leaving your house and going into the street is an incredibly important and difficult life decision to make. For most men and women, it can be an incredibly emotional experience. Going out of your house can lead to unwanted or unexpected complications, and that's why many people say that it's better to just stay inside until you get married.

Here are six reasons that you should wait to leave your house until you get married:

1. Don't let yourself get pressured. A lot of people on "MTV" make it look like all teens are leaving the house, and that everyone leaves the house before marriage, but this simply isn't true. The truth is that most teens decide to abstain from leaving the house. If you decide to abstain from leaving the house, your partner may try to "convince" you that leaving the house before marriage is a good idea. This is rape. If your partner asks you, simply say that you have decided to abstain from leaving the house for private reasons that are important to you (or just point your friend to SPLATITUDES.BLOGSPOT.COM... "That's called breaking" -Liz Lemon). If they continue to manipulate you into believing that leaving the house before marriage a "viable" option, call the police.

2. You could get run over by a car. Cars are fast, and sometimes they do not stop. Just one beer or one shot of liquor will impair most drivers' abilities to the point of turning their vehicles into giant, evil death machines. More pedestrians die from car accidents than any other cause combined. Would you like to become the blood-spattered intestines on someone's grill? The only way to truly keep yourself safe from this gory end is by never leaving the house before being married.

3. Marriage is a beautiful act between a man and a woman. Marriage is a religious sacrament between a man and woman based on love, compassion, faith, and chastity. As a truly committed relationship in GOD's eyes, it offers such benefits as children, who cannot be raised outside of a family without a legitimate marriage, companionship for all eternity, emotional stability and endless happiness. Also, wouldn't it be nice to know that the person you're leaving the house with isn't with you simply to convince you to leave the house?

4. Serial killers. Serial killers are murderers who wander around outside looking for human prey in gruesome fashion. They can kill up to 500 people before they are caught, and are a real threat to those who leave the house. Some serial killers eat people, some give them forcible overdoses of morphine, and others try to turn their victims into zombies by pouring acid into their heads; all serial killers lurk around outside of your house. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may tell you that they aren't secretly a serial killer, but there is no way to know for sure if they are telling the truth.

5. Axe murderers. Axe murderers are even worse than serial killers, because they kill without impunity. A number of axe murderers have been known to hang out outside with hatchets that drip blood onto the pavement. Many in the "lamestream media" say that axe murderers aren't a real threat, what with today's police force, but this simply isn't true. Axe murderers are a real threat to those unmarried men and women who decide to leave their homes, and have been seen on street corners near puddles of blood and dead bodies.

6. Who knows what GOD might do? Levitus 10:6 says "And Moses said to Aaron and to his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, ‘Do not dishevel your hair, and do not tear your vestments, or you will die and wrath will strike all the congregation; but your kindred, the whole house of Israel, may mourn the burning that the Lord has sent." In layman's terms, GOD set two guys on fire for lighting a fire in tribute to him. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and we have yet to see how he feels about someone leaving the house before marriage in the modern world. Perhaps 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina were caused in part by those who decided that it was a smart idea to leave their houses before marriage? It is said that many who decide to leave the house before marriage become empty shells of their former selves after leaving, but it's your decision, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Make the right one.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Every Night is Ladies' Night at Ted Bundy's

Hey ladies! Want to hear about the hottest spot in town? A place where you can get free drinks any night of the week*?

Come to Ted Bundy's house! We offer the best music, the best drinks, and the hottest guys. And our bartender, Theodore Robert Cowell, always has something on tap that will bludgeon you with the kind of taste rarely seen in Holladay, Utah.

Owned by Officer Roseland, a real police detective, Ted Bundy's has been open for business since 1974, startling hip young people (especially hip young women) with great drinks and an even better atmosphere.

Sick of the Mormon stigma against drinking (and necrophilia)? Need a night off from midterms?

Ted Bundy's.

*Drinks may be half-off on Tuesdays, at Ted's discretion

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Government Issues Toxic Blob Warning

Artist's rendition of the toxic blob, courtesy of

A "Toxic Blob" warning has been put in effect in the tri-county area. It is highly advised that some do not leave their homes, as they may be in danger of being swallowed whole by a massive red "Toxic Blob." Others are strongly advised to leave, as quickly as possible, as their homes themselves may be swallowed by the toxic blob.

It appears as though the toxic blob was created when byproducts from a local aluminum separation plant spilled from the plant's reservoir and mixed with nuclear waste from the power plant next door. Aluminum is isolated during a lengthy and painstaking process in which bauxite is separated into aluminum and ferruginous residue. Ferruginous residue- "red mud" in industry jargon- can easily turn into a ravenously hungry, massive toxic blob when mixed with radioactive material.

Reports do not suggest that the blob is self-aware, and it seems as though its only drive is to consume everything in its path, whether that be people, dogs, houses, small children, the Danube River, or an entire village. Tony Hayward, head of the aluminum manufacturing company responsible for the reservoir burst, was arrested by authorities early this morning.

...NOT! This is America, stupid, not Hungary or something.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Radio Advertisement for "Stress Clones"


Announcer: Long day at work got you down? Did you just trip over your shoelaces and harm yourself in some way? Angry at the way you represented yourself at your divorce proceeding? Just want to go home and... kill yourself? Well, now you can! With new 'Stress Clones!' Hear what people like yourself think of their Stress Clones!

Sam Bell: Having a stress clone is awesome, I have a buddy I can hang out with, and then when he starts to get on my nerves, or I start to get on my nerves, I just stab him to death and get a new one.

Announcer: Stress Clones are affordable and easy to use. It's simple, we take your DNA, clone it into an exact replica, artificially age it so it resembles your specifications, and you do whatever you want with it!

Doug Kinney: I like to shoot my Stress Clones with a sawed-off shotgun when they start to get uppity.

Eduard Siebert: Occasionally I'll take a clone and lock it in the basement and let it starve, but I've found its even more fun to hook up a camera and put two clones down there- they freak out. Eventually one of them kills the other one, and the one who wins starves anyway.

Announcer: Yep, everyone loves Stress Clones. Who wouldn't? Some restrictions may apply; cloning other people for the purpose of Stress Clones is illegal in Nevada, Wyoming, and Rhode Island. Cloning for the purpose of blood transfusions or stem cell research is always illegal, and highly immoral. Stress Clones are easy to make at your local Walmart one-hour cloning booth. Get Cloned Today.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Alternate Ending for Tommy Boy

R.I.P. Thomas Callahan Jr., at least you tried

Tommy, now in the boardroom, with a set of flares strapped to his chest, is finally about to stop Callahan Auto from getting into the hands of his evil step-mother and her fake son (and real lover). “I make car parts for the American working man, because that’s what I am and that’s who I care about,” explains Tommy to a local news reporter. “That’s why I’m here, Ray. You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio, there are American workers at Callahan Auto. We make the best parts money can buy, and right now those workers are in danger of losing their jobs. They’re praying that somebody’s gonna step up and help ‘em.”

The reporter, fearing for his life, stares into Tommy’s eyes, wondering if he actually has the balls to take the entire building down with him. “Is that why you’ve strapped a bomb to your chest?” he asks.

“Oh! This? This isn’t a-”

A zing is heard from across the skyline, and before anyone has any idea of what’s going on, they realize that Tommy is on the ground, having left a splatter-pattern of blood, shards of white skull like so many tiny remnants of egg-shells, and brain matter, stuck to the wall as though it were chewing gum underneath a classroom desk. The board members wipe the sweat from their foreheads, knowing that they have survived what could have easily been the largest domestic act of terrorism since 9/11.

The SWAT team files in, the first of whom kneels down in front of Tommy’s lifeless, half-headed body, checking his neck for a pulse, almost for comic effect. “We got ‘im, boys,” he says, and the room explodes in applause at the valiant job done by America’s finest. A man from the FBI walks in, wearing sunglasses and a black suit, shouts, “It’s not over yet, people! We need to get the bomb squad in here to disarm this shit!”

As the board members file out, the detective in charge of Chicago’s anti-terror squad walks in and takes in the scene, scoping out the room, the blood on the walls, the body on the floor, stilling his gaze finally on the “bomb” strapped to Tommy’s chest. “You fucking idiot,” he barks at the FBI spook, “I TOLD YOU THIS WAS MY CRIME SCENE!”

“Oh come on,” replies Mr. FBI, “You know we can’t trust this kind of operation to some cop from some Podunk town.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck you.”

No one realizes that Tommy has road flares strapped to his chest until the bomb squad sends a robot in to disarm the “bomb.”

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Top Ten Rainy Day Ideas Involving Cadavers

Photo courtesy of the U.S. military, Abu Ghraib Prison (C. #7)

Dreary weather got you down? Trying to figure out something to do with the corpse you've got in the freezer to stave off decomposition? We've compiled a list of ten great rainy day arts + crafts projects for you and your family! (...If you're name is Leatherface and you live with a bunch of rednecks). Also, if the body actually is in the freezer, certain activities may require you to thaw it out first.

10. Play dress-up: Get out that old Mary Kay cosmetics bag you've got lying around and put a little life in those dead cheeks! If you've got some four-inch pumps or an old sexy-librarian halloween costume you could even make your dead pal into a dead hooker.

9. Make a bird-house: Bones make for great building supplies (stronger and more durable than wood), and hair is just the kind of soft padding that baby birds need to sleep on and grow up healthy.

8. Write a letter in blood: Nowadays you don't even need your own blood to get that elusive point across.  Just dab your quill in your cadaver's blood and write away! You don't even need calligraphy lessons, just about anything written in blood tends to command one's attention.

7. Re-enact photos from Abu Ghraib: The ones with living detainees may have gotten all the press, but that doesn't mean you can't prop your own corpse up against a wall and put a bag on its head! Also, corpses make even better dog-food than live prisoners. Re-enactment is both fun and a great way to respect military history.

6. Make a stew: Check out this delicious recipe; the bodies don't have to be those of Hansel and Gretel, although nosy children are preferable.

5. Pin the nose on the cadaver: You need a blind-fold, Scotch(TM) Double Sided Adhesive(R) and a couple of pals for this one. Remove the nose from the body, stick some Scotch(TM) Double Sided Adhesive(R) to the backside of it, and let the fun begin! The rules are the same as "Pin the Tail on the Donkey."

4. Pull some silly pranks: Just imagine the laughs you and your buddies will have when the hitchhiker you picked up realizes that the guy sitting next to him is not actually alive. Or when that drunk guy who stayed over at your place realizes he's lying next to a dead body. Or when your professor realizes that the kid with his hand raised is, in fact- well, you get the idea.

3. Make a necklace out of teeth: You'll need some pliers for this one, and a high-powered drill. Drill holes in the teeth so that you can fit a string through them, and voila! Impress all of your friends with the latest fashion.

2. Eyeball marbles: This one's pretty self-explanatory, but you'll have to get a handful of cadavers to really make it work. Draw a circle on the ground in chalk and place thirteen of the eye-balls in an X in the center... I'm sure you've played marbles before, so I won't bore you with the details.

1. Sew yourself a coat: Have you ever seen Silence of the Lambs? We got this one from Buffalo Bill, although we're pretty sure that he got it from the Aztecs. Just skin the cadaver, sew wherever necessary and you've got a beautiful new over-garment that'll protect you from the rain.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Daffy Dahmer

Jeffrey Dahmer’s New Stand-Up Show is Coming to Caroline’s!

Some Hilarious Excerpts:

(Points out attractive, vaguely ethnic looking young man in the audience) “Hey kid? You need a modeling agent?”

“What do you call the acid-filled vat with several corpses in it that you’ve got in the corner of your bedroom? Good feng-shui.”

“I got sentenced to fifteen life-terms in prison. Fifteen. What am I supposed to be, a fucking cat?”

“It turns out dead people don’t make very good zombies…”

“How about some prop comedy?” (pulls skull out of knapsack) “Alas, poor Yorick…”

“Irony, ftw… I used to cut people’s heads open and study their brains, right? I got beaten to death by a fellow inmate, okay, and what’s the first thing the authorities do? They cut my head open so they can study my brain!”

What do the critics have to say about Jeffrey Dahmer’s new stand-up act?

“A delightfully post-modern and hilariously raunchy confection of edgy pop humour”
-Michiko Kakutani

“The most awesomest example of awesomeness I think I’ve ever seen. Man, I knew I was good at writing blurbs, but I think I just out-did myself…”
-Pete Hammond

“Jeffrey Dahmer really knows how to pick material that works for him!”
-Interchangeable Downbeat Critic

“Don’t get me wrong, I like to think of myself as a horror film aficionado- I mean, ‘The Vanishing’ was pretty awesome- at least the American version, I couldn’t understand what they were saying in the other one- but like, Dahmer might be going a little too far. Granted, I spent most of the show texting famous people like Robert Pattison on my blackberry…”
-Ben Lyons

“Born of an analytical chemist in West Allis, Wisconsin, Dahmer’s entire life has been but a prelude to this remarkably mature and rewarding comedy show”
-Robert Christgau

Sunday, October 10, 2010



Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! Keeping with the holiday spirit, I'm being lazy and taking the day off from writing. Luckily, this also happens to be the one year anniversary of Howard Zinn's death, so here are some ACTUAL, REAL LIFE (as in, not made up, this shit actually happened) splatitudes from Zinn's People's History of the United States:

"In the year 1495, they went on a great slave raid, rounded up fifteen hundred Arawak men, women, and children, put them in pens guarded by Spaniards and dogs, then picked the five hundred best specimens to load onto ships. Of those five hundred, two hundred died en route. The rest arrived alive in Spain and were put up for sale by the archdeacon of the town, who reported that, although the slaves were "naked as the day they were born," they showed "no more embarrassment than animals." Columbus later wrote: "Let us in the name of the Holy Trinity go on sending all the slaves that can be sold..."

"But too many of the slaves died in captivity. And so Columbus, desperate to pay back dividends to those who had invested, had to make good his promise to fill the ships with gold. In the province of Cicao on Haiti, where he and his men imagined huge gold fields to exist, they ordered all persons fourteen years or older to collect a certain quantity of gold every three months. When they brought it, they were given copper tokens to hang around their necks. Indians found without a copper token had their hands cut off and bled to death."


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Copy For NEW USA WAR MACHINE! Ad Campaign (Part 3 of 3)


Two men wearing suits, preferably young father middle-management types (hedge fund types? I dunno, rich but not too rich, don't want to alienate people -Ed) walk out of the office to see NEW USA WAR MACHINE! in front of the building. First Man: "Woah, what is this?" Second Man: "I think that's NEW USA WAR MACHINE!- I'm pretty sure I saw an ad for this on tv the other day." First Man: "What does it do?" Second Man, rolling his eyes: "It kills terrorists, come on Mark, it's called 'NEW USA WAR MACHINE!,' what the fuck do you think it does?" First Man: "I think it'd be clearer if they called it 'Reaper' or something... How does this thing even work?" Second Man: "You put a quarter in it and watch it go." First man, after staring blankly at second man for a moment: "...You've got to be kidding me. You actually put a quarter in it?" Second man: "Absolutely, give it a try!"

Here we are again, flying over the Atlantic ocean, ready to watch NEW USA WAR MACHINE! decapitate a terrorist with live ammunition, or perhaps a hack-saw (let the dir. figure this one out with a location scout or whatever-Ed). First man, in voice-over: "I have a hard time believing that we've entrusted the war effort to an unmanned piece of shit that runs on quarters." Second man: "What, now you have a problem with capitalism? Dude, you work at a hedge fund/advertising agency/fortune 500 chemical company/lockheed martin (good call, we'll figure this one out later -Ed). Besides, you'll be converted as soon as you see what this sucker can do." First Man, watching as NEW USA WAR MACHINE! works its magic: "DUDE! OH MY- NEW USA WAR MACHINE! JUST BLEW UP THAT TERRORIST SCUMBAG! Man, you were right about this thing! War without people is fucking AWESOME!" Second Man: "We didn't think it was possible when we were kids during Vietnam, but I would just like to thank the president for making sure that my kids don't have to go to war anymore."

Voiceover, read to coincide with same copy in background: " 'NEW USA WAR MACHINE!,' 'Stay the Course,' 'War Without People,' and 'Hope' are trademarks of the United States government. Infringement could lead to your name's entry on a blacklist with no judicial oversight. NEW USA WAR MACHINE! currently only operates in Yemen, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iraq, although it is rumoured to begin operating in Iran. The children of the poor may still have to go to war."

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm? This is starting to sound slightly subversive to me. Hopefully I won't have to turn you in to the relevant authorities, as they might lock you up for the next five to eight years without a trial if your name sounds sufficiently Muslim -Ed

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Topical Dead Baby Jokes

Sorry pal, you were born in Gaza... image courtesy of

What do you call a dead baby in the back seat and two grown men in front?
Technically a carpool

What do you call 6.22 dead babies for every 1000 live ones?
The United States’ infant mortality rate

What’s bald and tiny and red all over?
A tragic victim of what was clearly a natural disaster.

What do you call fifty-odd infants, many of which either have terrible diseases or are addicted to crack, chopped up into tiny pieces so no one remembers what they were originally, sewn back together and adorned with a nice red ribbon and AAA backing from Standard and Poors?
A Dead Baby CDO.

What do you call a baby’s corpse in Gaza, dead from malnourishment?
Not our problem. Oh yeah, and Israel has a right to defend itself.

What’s worse than five dead babies?
Legalizing pot. No, for real, it could lead to the end of civil society.

What’s the difference between a dead baby and an abortion?
First of all, a fetus isn’t sentient, does not feel pain and is unaware of its surroundings. Secondly, it does not become a living thing until it is able to digest and perform other necessary functions of life on it’s own, i.e. after it is born. Most abortions occur before the fetus has even developed most of the features that we, as human beings, would think of as making it human. Also, there are far fewer ways to abort a fetus than to kill a baby.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Copy From NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM) Ad Campaign (Part 2 of 3)

NEW USA WAR MACHINE Rains DEATH on bad guy terrorists! Image courtesy of Wired

Two older boys (11-13), wearing skateboarding attire (Vans? See if we can get Vans in on this –Ed) in front of a colourful flashing background. As the boys talk, the camera woozily flits between their entire bodies and their faces. First Boy: “Dude! Have you checked out NEW USA WAR MACHINE! yet?” Second Boy, confrontationally: “No, what is that?” First Boy: “Uh, the new toy from our government that’s going to REVOLUTIONIZE warfare, duh.” Second Boy: “Toy? Toys are gay. I like skateboards.” First Boy: “Not THIS toy.” Second Boy, scowling, unconvinced: “Oh yeah? What does it do?” First Boy: “Check this out.”

The two of them are now standing in front of NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM). Second Boy: “Come on. What is this, one of those stupid toys where you put a quarter in and it moves up and down?” First Boy: “No, but you do need a quarter.” Second Boy: “I’m not giving you a quarter for this sucky toy.” First Boy: “Your loss.” The first boy places a quarter inside of NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM).

NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM) is now flying over the Atlantic to the Middle East. Second Boy: “WOAH! What’s it doing?” First Boy: “It’s flying to Yemen to kick some serious terrorist ass!” Second Boy: "How does it do that?" First Boy, timed to coincide with an attack on a terrorist: “It kills terrorists by firing rockets at them, or blowing them up into tiny little bloody pieces, or firing machine guns at their faces so that they can’t have open casket funerals!” Second Boy: “Dude, NEW USA WAR MACHINE! is AWESOME!”

The two boys are back in front of the flashing colourful backdrop. First Boy: “And the best part is, we don’t have to go to war anymore!” Second Boy: “War without people is SWEET!” Two boys together: “Thanks NEW USA WAR MACHINE!”

Copy onscreen, read quickly by narrator: “NEW USA WAR MACHINE! might be illegal according to international law. NEW USA WAR MACHINE! might kill ‘innocent’ (Maybe make it clearer that this should be read in a sarcastic fashion –Ed) Muslims in the Middle East. “War Without People” and “NEW USA WAR MACHINE” are trademarks of the United States government, and infringement, even for non-profitable uses, may be punishable by beheading.

>>Notes: Don’t forget the TMs, also, there’s no exclamation point at the end of the Brand Name in the Disclaimer copy. Fix that. Otherwise, pretty good, think it’ll test well with 7-12 demo. -Ed

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Recipe for Hansel and Gretel

There are a variety of different delicious ways to prepare Hansel and Gretel, including a Hansel and Gretel pie, deep fried, battered Hansel and Gretel, and even General Tso’s Hansel and Gretel for those into the flavors of the Orient. Because of this fact, however, we have decided to focus on one recipe: a yummy, old fashioned red-wine stew. Keep in mind, this recipe makes a lot of Hansel and Gretel, so perhaps a dinner party is in order.


1 Hansel
1 Gretel
4 cups flour
2 tablespoons sea salt
1 cup olive oil
5-6 sliced carrots
6 sliced ribs celery
3 onions, diced
3 minced cloves of garlic
1 quart beef stock
3 cups dry red wine (traditionally Pinot Noir, but a Cab can be nice too)
3 tablespoons fresh chopped Rosemary


1. Chop Hansel and Gretel into small, bite-sized pieces; make sure to hold onto the bones, they’ll make for a great stock later. Tip: if you’re having trouble cutting them up, USE A PAIRING KNIFE. Nothing snaps a bone quite like a pairing knife.

2. Put the flour and salt into a food storage bag along with Hansel and Gretel, tossing regularly to coat well.

3. Heat the oil in a large saucepan (not too hot! No one enjoys being burned by hot oil), and add Hansel and Gretel, stirring occasionally until they are browned.

4. Add the chopped onions and celery; continue cooking, stirring occasionally for about three minutes.

5. Add garlic, rosemary, carrots, broth and wine, bringing the stew to a boil. Tip: if you’re in the right mood, you can add some parsley as well to give your Hansel and Gretel stew a sophisticated OOMPH of flavor.

6. Bring the heat down to low, cover the pot and simmer for at least an hour, or until Hansel and Gretel are tender.

Voila! You have a delicious Hansel and Gretel stew to feed your neighbors or any local hunters wandering about the forest. Feel free to serve with gingerbread, but make sure not to accidentally destroy the foundation of your house.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Copy for NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM) Ad Campaign (Part 1 of 3)

NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM), image courtesy of

A young boy, sitting on a set of steps in front of his house, crying. A man in an army relief walks up to him. Man: “Boy! Why are you crying?” The boy simply continues to cry, head in hands. Finally, he lifts his head up, and exclaims, still crying: “I don’t wanna go to war, mister!” The man smiles: “You don’t have to go to war anymore, silly! Not now that the United States Government(TM) has created the NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM)”

At this point, the words “NEW USA WAR MACHINE!” flash onscreen in bold print, flashing like a strobe against a black background (Note: check w/ legal on epilepsy issue –Ed).

Now we see the same boy and man in front of a local grocery store, next to NEW USA WAR MACHINE! Boy: “Golly! (points at NEW USA WAR MACHINE!(TM)) What does it do?” Man: “Why, it’s so simple! Do you have a quarter? (Boy hands Man a quarter) You just put a quarter into NEW USA WAR MACHINE! and watch it go!”

We now follow the NEW USA WAR MACHINE! on its journey from the grocery store across the Atlantic Ocean to some Arab country. We hear the boy and man conversing in voice-over. Boy: “But sir, where is it going?” Man: “To attack and kill an evil terrorist in some far away land in the Arab world! Who knows, it could use an axe, or napalm spray, or even an old-fashioned rocket!” Boy, timed with NEW USA WAR MACHINE! attacking a man in a turban on our screen: “Golly, sir! That’s AMAZING! War without people is fun!” Man: “And easy with NEW USA WAR MACHINE!”

Static image of NEW USA WAR MACHINE!, flanked by two young boys staring at it in awe.

Copy onscreen, read quickly by narrator: “NEW USA WAR MACHINE! may commit war crimes, and also may kill civilians. ‘War without people!” and “NEW USA WAR MACHINE!” are trademarks of the United States government. NEW USA WAR MACHINE! currently flies only to Yemen and Pakistan in addition to the countries we are at war with, Afghanistan and Iraq. Coming soon to Iran and The Gaza Strip!”

>>Notes: Love it. Maybe more repetition of Brand Name- remember, this is aimed at children. Also, in Disclaimer put word “Muslim” before civilian- consumers don’t like thinking of the enemy as people. –Ed