Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sh*t My Maggot Infested Uncle Says

William Shatner will be starring in the television adaptation of Sh*t My Maggot Infested Uncle Says. Image courtesy of

“Kid, you think you’ve got it bad? I can’t fucking move. I’m in a fucking coffin. Fuck you.”

“When I was young you had to work for a living. You didn’t just write shit and hope someone printed it. What did I get for working for a living? Mugged. And then shot.”

“I’ve got the worst groin-itch from these worms… Swear to God, worse than fucking crabs, these worms…”

“Over my dead body we have a black president. Hold on a sec…”

“When I got buried, they did it by hand, with a shovel. Nowadays with these bulldozers and shit, it’s so impersonal. It’s like getting fucked up the ass with a plastic dildo.”

“You lazy piece of shit. At least that guy who mugged me had to work for a living.”

“Last time I got flowers was a year ago. And they were petunias. Fucking petunias. Might as well piss in my mouth and call it an egg cream…”

“Shit sucks and then you die. Trust me, I’d know.”

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Rules of Sawed-Off Shotgun Tag (from The Dangerous Book for Boys)

Sawed-off shotgun tag is great fun, and a lovely way to spend a warm summer afternoon. Plus, the rules are simple and easy to follow!

What you need:
Some pals
A sawed off shotgun

How you play:
The game starts whenever the player with the sawed-off shotgun starts shooting. Eventually, he will hit another player. The player who was hit is now “it,” and it is now his role to haunt the shotgun-wielding player throughout the rest of his life; at college graduation, at his wedding, at the birth of his first child, etc. If the player who was shot is still alive, he now takes the shotgun and attempts to shoot the other players. See? Easy as pie.

Multiple shotguns: Multiple shotguns means multiple mayhem! Other rules remain unchanged.
Traditional shotgun tag: Don’t have a saw? Just pick up a pump-action Remington 870 or a semi-auto Remington 1100, and find some buckshot or a couple slugs laying around.
Blunderbuss tag: An arcane version of shotgun tag now mostly played by reenactment enthusiasts.
Sane person science tag: In this version there are no ghosts, and players who get shot simply bleed to death and are never heard from again. This version is probably the least fun.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Congress Pushes Law to Declare Copyright Infringement Punishable by Beheading

Joe McCarthy- shit, sorry, Patrick Leahy (D-VT) want to behead you for copyright infringement on behalf of the MPAA. Photo courtesy of The Vermont Independent

The congressional judiciary committee, acting in conjunction with the MPAA and RIAA, has introduced a new bill requiring a minimum death sentence for those who infringe on copyright. The bill (S. 3804), introduced by Senator Joe McCarthy (R-Wisconsin), will create two separate blacklists for copyright offenders and introduce sentencing guidelines for those who host illegal copyright material. The merits of the second blacklist, which is controversial due to its mandate for the decapitation of those who host websites that are “dedicated to infringing activity,” are being hotly debated online.

“I don’t understand why people are so up in arms about this,” explained Jack Valenti, former head of the MPAA, who we caught up with in his posh apartment in hell. “Seriously, the second list wouldn’t even require decapitation. Lethal injection, yeah- even the gas chamber, but it’s all stuff that we regularly do to people for murder.” This first blacklist, which will be created by the Department of Justice with help from the MPAA and RIAA, is less controversial, although it would not require judicial oversight. McCarthy chimed in: “Yeah, the really bad one- the decapitation- that’s only for the worst offenders. The court has to declare you guilty in order for you to get decapitated. Really, people are getting upset over nothing.”

The bill, entitled “The Combating Online Infringement and Counterfeiting Act,” has met with some opposition in online circles, but we have decided that as copyright holders of material that is printed online we have no interest in talking to them.

“The way it works is that when the court declares you one of the worst copyright-terrorists- you know, a repeat offender, someone who distributes this kind of material to children- and we have in good faith that a lot of these people are in league with the drug cartels down in Mexico- we cut your head off with a guillotine and we put it on a pike outside of the MPAA’s headquarters in Washington, DC. And honestly- this isn’t everybody. We’ve put provisions in for one time offenders who we think have learned their lessons- those guys get their hands cut off, you know, kind of like how they do it with Sharia in Saudi Arabia or whatever,” noted McCarthy. Provisions of the bill also provide for those who leak sensitive government documents (and videos of, say, the US army's murder of civilians) to be sent to reeducation camps, and for counterfeiters to be hung in public squares.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Zombie College Girl’s Inbox

From                                                            Subject                                       we need to talk about last night                                               You’re New Arm Has Been Shipped
Comcast                                                       IMPORTANT NOTICE UNPAID BILLS
Sephora Beauty Insider                                New blush! Add some life to your undead cheeks!
Cosmopolitan                                               tricks to warm up your love life
Tha BRAIN factory!                                    **CHEAPEST BRAINS IN TOWN**READ NOW**                                        u r so green i want u now
Google News                                               Sarkozy Loses Finger During Speech PHOTOS
Sephora Beauty Insider                                Perk Alert! New lancome fly repellant in stock                                      decomposing bros and undead hos partaaaayyyy                                      Reading on the Ethics of Eating Brains for Friday
Comcast                                                       IMPORTANT NOTICE UNPAID BILLS                                       sorry 4 being such a dick dinner 2night?
Sanford Human Rights Club                       Undead Americans Deserve Free Speech NOW
Google News                                               75% of Population Undead According to Zogby
Sephora Beauty Insider                                Perk Alert! Look like a real person again!                                       wtf y didnt u tell me u were zombified                                      girl, how u doin? hurd you got bit…                                                Concerning your order: “World War Z”                                      Class Cancelled Today Due to Zombie Infestation
Comcast                                                       IMPORTANT NOTICE UNPAID BILLS                              Sorry, We Don’t Hire Zombies
Sanford Environmental Club                       Go Green Today!                             DO NOT APPROACH THE UNDEAD
Sephora Beauty Insider                               50% OFF GREEN FOUNDATION! ACT NOW!
Google News                                              Undead Apocalypse Imminent, Lock Your Doors

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Alternate Ending for Rapunzel

Disney's sassy new Rapunzel

Rapunzel had been locked in the same room for three years with no connections to the outside world but a single window and monthly visits from the witch who had enslaved her and placed her in solitary confinement. “Rapunzel! Rapunzel!” cackled the witch, her eyes framed by grotesque wrinkles, her eyebrows gray and bushy and overgrown, “let down your hair!” Rapunzel’s hair, allowed to grow unfettered since she was born, was long enough to act as a rope the witch used to climb up to the tower. Occasionally she would bring Rapunzel food, but more often than not she would beat Rapunzel; for insubordination, for being pretty, for having hair insufficiently long to create a ladder.

Rapunzel was starting to have a hard time figuring out what was real and what wasn’t. Often, she’d hear the cackle at her window and there would be no witch. She feared that any day the witch might scar her to obscure her beauty, or worse, torture her to death. She cut a lock of her hair off and tied it into a series of knots to create a doll, her only companion in solitude. She named her new friend “Wilson” and conversed with him for months about topics ranging from the horrors of captivity to the correct approach to hair-care in a tower with no running water.

“RAPUNZEL! RAPUNZEL!” shrieked the witch, “LET DOWN YOUR HAIR!” She climbed up the massive blonde rope, cackling all the way to the top. “What is THIS?!” she screamed upon finding Wilson, fraying at the edges.

“It’s… nothing…” replied Rapunzel, all hope lost.

“NO FUCKING DOLLS,” replied the witch, taking the knots apart and throwing the tuft of hair out the window. “How many times do I have to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CUT YOUR HAIR! I brought you a loaf of bread, but now I’m going to eat it all by myself.” And with that, the witch left Rapunzel hungry, depressed, and alone.

Rapunzel took her massive braid and threw it around an outlying brick above her, tying a sturdy knot. She wrapped this strand, directly above her, around her neck, forming a noose, and stood atop her chair, kicking it out from underneath her. As the air left her lungs you could almost hear a sigh of relief at having finally let go.

A few months later, a handsome young prince strode by on his trusty horse and something rank filled his nostrils. “Man, what died here?” he asked himself. He rode home where he never had to work, was constantly doted upon by beautiful women, could torture and kill anyone who disagreed with anything he said, and lived happily ever after. Because that’s what princes do, duh.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Waltraud Wagner Interviews Dr. Harold Shipman

Dr. Harold Shipman, courtesy of

Waltraud Wagner: Today, we have Dr. Harold Shipman, affectionately known to the UK press as “Dr. Death,” a nickname given before by the American media to Jack Kevorkian, the assisted suicide maven, and Steve Williams, a professional wrestler. Personally, I believe that the name applies best to you, Dr. Shipman, as Kevorkian didn’t actually kill people himself and Williams had never completed an MD.
Harold Shipman: Well, thank you. Of all the possible Dr. Death’s from history, I most like being compared to Josef Mengele and Ayman al-Zawahiri. Oh, and of course “Doctor Death,” from the Batman comics.
WW: I’m unaware of that Doctor Death.
HS: Before your time. He never really caught on- he invented a lethal toxin by refining pollen extracts and accidentally killed his East Indian manservant, Jabah, in a lab explosion. Later on in the eighties he was reinvented as a paraplegic. Kind of an inept bloke, Doctor Death. Great beard though.
WW: Dr. Shipman, is it said you are the most prolific serial killer of all time.
HS: Now, I don’t know that I’d go that far.
WW: It says so on wikipedia…
HS: Yes, but I’m sure they don’t count people like Nuon Chea or Theoneste Bagasora on that list.
WW: That may be true, but do you really think that either of those people had personally killed five hundred or so people?
HS: Well- and look, I don’t mean to be overly modest- but that number is rubbish. They could only positively identify two hundred and eighteen of them.
WW: Still, two hundred and eighteen isn’t so shabby. I only killed forty nine people, and that was with three accomplices.
HS: Now, don’t sell yourself short- I heard that number was actually more like in the hundreds.
WW: blushing To be honest, I can’t remember, exactly. Pause. …Our readers are really curious- how would you suggest bringing your number up to the three digits?
HS: Hm. That’s a good question. A lot of these young blokes are quite flashy, and to be honest that’s a pretty terrible way to continue doing your thing without getting caught. At least over here in the civilized world it really helps to work in a hospital-
WW: Of course.
HS: You would know that, right, you’re a nurse. People die in hospitals all the time, so it’s incredibly easy to give them lethal doses of morphine or heroin-
WW: Or drown them.
HS: Yes, of course, or drown them. I mean, if you live in South America or Afghanistan or something then getting caught isn’t a major issue. Look at Columbia- these guys like La Bestia- Luis Gravato- or Lopez, “The Monster of the Andes-” they both killed upwards of three hundred people as gruesomely as possible without getting caught. I think they’re probably the “most prolific” or however it was you said it.
WW: Actually, from what I’ve heard the most prolific other than yourself is a countrywoman of yours, Amelia Dyer…
HS: Oh right, of course, Amelia. I was talking more about the modern era.
WW: One last thing- do you have any tips for not getting caught?
HS: I suppose just the thing I said about not being flashy. But also- and I can’t stress this enough- only kill poor people. That was my undoing. I killed rich women, and of course eventually I got caught. If I’d only killed poor people I would have been fine. Authorities don’t care when poor people die.
WW: Good advice. Well, thanks so much for coming down from the land of the dead to chat with us, Dr. Shipman.
HS: Thank you for having me, Ms. Wagner.
WW: Call me Waltraud.
HS: …Waltraud.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Craigslist Splatter Encounters

Fri Sep 24

Need Someone to Bury Alive TODAY $$

Looking for Fun-Lover With Zero Degree Body Temp - 29

**Cute Asian Seeks to Cut Off Toes**

Seeking Senior Citizen for Loving and Euthanasia - 35

$975 STUDIO LOOKING FOR ROOMATE! Quick walk 2 L’Anthropophagie

PROTECT OUR BLOOD FOR TWO-THREE DAYS (good work for students/vampires NOT looking for a steady job)

Zombie Seeks Young Brains – 52


Surrogate Mothers Needed to Carry Satan’s Spawn to Term

Smart attractive vampire looking for cute, intelligent sire - 33 (+200)


Any Young Guys Need Discreet Decapitation – 45

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Toyota Is Recalling New ‘Killer’ Corollas

murderous cruise control courtesy of

Toyota has issued a recall for the 2010 Corolla, explaining that a programming malfunction can turn the vehicle into a “torture chamber on wheels.” The Corolla’s cruise control, a function that normally automatically controls the speed of a moving vehicle, has been shown in some instances to develop sentient ability and wreak havoc on its owner by locking doors and releasing deadly amounts of carbon monoxide.

In models with certain safety upgrades, the Corolla’s cruise control has opened up a line to an OnStar representative and laughed a maniacal, digitized laugh using the car’s vocalizer.

Miriam Schlotznick, a survivor, described the event as “one of the scariest moments of her life,” although she has expressed concern over what she will do in the future without cruise control. “My new car is totally inconvenient,” she said. “How did people live without the ability to set speed?”

To return your vehicle, and claim a check from Toyota for doing so, call Toyota of America customer service at 1-800-331-4331.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Informational Sheet for Vampire Canvassers

Vampires canvassing courtesy of

The rap is the most important part of canvassing. It hooks new members. Remember, vampires who stop to talk to you are self-selective, and already have an interest in the issue of clean blood.

Hi there! Do you have a quick second for our drinking supply? I’m with Bloodsuckers for Sustainability, and I’m out here today signing up members, so I’m really glad you could stop and talk to me (hand them your binder.)

Massachusetts has some of the best blood in the country, and one of the main reasons for this is that we protected 50,000 human blood-slaves at the Quabin Bloodbank.

Recently, however, the state has allowed an AIDS infected monster to run free in the Quabin. Bloodsuckers for Sustainability is working to convince governor Splatrick to declare the Quabin off-limits for AIDS infected monsters. We can only do this by showing that we have the support of vampires from all over Massachusetts, and that’s why I’m out here today!

The best way that you can help out right now is by becoming a member of Bloodsuckers for Sustainability. Our members make monthly contributions, either in the form of an arm or a leg. This really is the best way for you to give, because it gives us the sort of grassroots support that we need in order to protect our blood. Signing up is really easy, and you can do so right here.

Some Questions You Might Be Asked:

Some vampires might ask you questions after hearing the rap. Here is a rundown of some of the most commonly asked questions along with helpful tips on how to answer them in such a way as to solicit contributions. Remember, people who stop ALREADY AGREE WITH OUR PRINCIPLES, so it should be easy to get them to contribute.

Q: I really want to help, but I don’t have any limbs to give at the moment.
A: We’re really just asking people to be as generous as possible. Sixty percent of our blood supply is currently open to AIDS infected monsters, and we really have an opportunity here to make some headway on this issue. Even if you could donate a finger or two it would be incredibly helpful to our cause.

Q: I see you guys have a website! Can I donate online?
A: Yes, you can, but in order to show the governor that we have the grassroots support of bloodsuckers all across Massachusetts, it helps to be able to say that we got a number of donations on the street.

Q: I’d like to contribute, but I’d really like to do some research first. Can you tell me where my limbs are going?
A: It goes towards education, advocacy and outreach. (If they bother you again, with a question like “aren’t education and outreach the same thing?” or “can I help out without giving you an appendage?”:) We have a really good chance to make a difference here, what with the gubernatorial election coming up, and it would help a huge amount if you could give a one time contribution of an arm and a leg. (If they really bother you, you can tell them that 15% of our contributions go to administrative costs, but ONLY if they REALLY, REALLY bother you REPEATEDLY.)

Q: Uh, aren’t we all already dead? Why the fuck would it matter if the blood we drank had AIDS?
A: (Use some kind of focusing question, examples include:) Are you with us on this issue? Do you enjoy the taste of AIDS infected blood?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A New eHow from Martha Brewster

picture courtesy of "Ask Sam"

How to Poison Someone's Drink

Everyone knows how to poison someone’s drink; you take some poison, put it in some liquid, and innocently offer it to whomever it is that you would like to poison. This method is slightly vague, however, and so we’ve created an easy to follow, fool proof, step-by-step method. (DISCLAIMER: Splatitudes does not endorse the poisoning of anyone’s drink by you, although Martha endorses the poisoning of boarding house members by her.)

1. Know Your Poisons. A poison is not to be confused with a toxin or venom. From wikipedia: “Toxins are poisons produced via some biological function in nature, and venoms are usually defined as biological toxins that are injected by a bite or sting to cause their effect, while other poisons are generally defined as substances which are absorbed through epithelial linings such as the skin or gut.” It also helps to learn a little bit about the different types of poisons so you can make an educated choice.

2. Pick Your Poison. A lot of thought during this step should go into access. If you work in a factory that manufactures silicon computer chips, perhaps hydrogen fluoride is the poison for you; if you work in an industrial lab that produces nitriles for nylon manufacturing, the hydrogen cyanide you have on hand would probably be a prudent choice. Hemlock is accessible to just about anyone who knows where to look, but is difficult to put into liquid form. Mixing can also be fun as it unleashes the inner chemist, and I like to use a teaspoon of arsenic, a teaspoon of strychnine, and a pinch of cyanide.

3. Know Your Victim. Is your victim allergic to shellfish? Because if he/she is, then WHY WOULD YOU USE HYDROGEN FLUORIDE? Instead, you could feed him/her shellfish; shellfish, peanuts, milk, treenuts, latex, eggs, aspirin, and ibuprofen are all readily available and do the trick in a pinch with the right victim. Your own fingerprint will also be harder to trace, which brings us to step four.

4. DON’T BE AN IDIOT. Idiots say things like, “haha, the old ball and chain is allergic” when they buy peanut butter at the grocery store. Idiots type up suicide notes for people who normally write everything by hand. Don’t be “that guy;” keep from acting out of the ordinary and DO NOT flop-sweat, especially when doing something that should not be suspicious. It’s how Nixon lost to Kennedy in 1960.

5. The Easy Part. You take some poison, put it in some liquid, and innocently offer it to whomever it is that you want to poison.

6. Don’t Get Caught. See number four, but you’re on your own on this one.

Possible Variations: You can fill a ceramic mug with drain cleaner and offer it to your victim, a la Heathers, but this only works if said victim is hungover.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Gacy Giggles

Courtesy of "Costumes for Adults"

Gacy Giggles

Where’s the best place to buy a clown suit?
John Wayne Macy’s

What do you call a couple of plucky female detectives on the hunt for a serial killer?
John Wayne Lacy (and Cagney)

How would you describe a serial killer’s lack of melatonin?
“He’s John Wayne Pasty”

What brother of a famous actor is capable of killing children and Joaquin Pheonix’ career?
John Wayne Casey Affleck

What do you call a serial killer who needs to turn up the treble?
John Wayne Bass-y

A convicted child killer adds his ante to the pot before two cards are dealt to him face up. He then bets on whether or not the third card will fall between these two in numerical value. What is the name of the game?
John Wayne Gacy-Deucey

What do you call a bunch of puns involving a convicted child killer?
John Wayne Racy

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Top Ten Ways to Hide the Scent of Decomposition

Rage get the best of you when the landlord dropped by for back rent? Forgot about your pet guinea pig when you went away on vacation? Well, boy do we have the countdown for you…

10. Potpourri: Gentle. Dry. Naturally fragrant. Easy on the eyes and nose, what it lacks in potency it more than makes up for in silly spelling.

9. Roses: Who doesn’t love roses? Used since the fourteenth century to mask the scent of decaying human corpses, roses are beautiful and have a distinct smell.

8. Vera Wang Princess(TM) Perfume: Yes, it’s expensive, but if you want the decomposed flesh in your home to smell like a Super Sweet Sixteen, it’s going to cost you. And boy is it worth it. “The perfect blend of florals and fruits,” one reviewer on says.

7. Scent-Lok(TM) Hunting Gear: While these products are designed to mask the scent of living human beings, they do the trick in a pinch if you have a little bit of foresight. Take the offending body and, before decay sets in, put it in one of Scent-Lok(TM)’s patented charcoal technology jackets. As opposed to most other methods, which mask scent using other scent, Scent-Lok(TM) will trap the scent inside, where it can’t get out.

6. Incense: Incense has been used since Ancient Egypt to mask the awful odors around the home and in the catacombs. Made from aromatic biotic materials, incense is a great, all-natural way to hide those all-too-natural aromas that arise when a body is left out for too long. People might think you smoke pot, but that’s better than people thinking you’re a murderer!

5. Glade Plug Ins(TM): While traditional scented candles can do the trick in a pinch, Glade Plug Ins(TM) feature adjustability for just the right amount of scent. According to Glade’s website, a Plug In(TM) will “eliminate even the toughest pet, cooking and bathroom odors.” We would like to add the odor of rotting flesh to that list.

4. Garlic: An incredibly strong natural aroma (some would say stench, but who are we to judge) used to ward off vampires in simpler times. Simply cut into the clove and walk around the room; with any luck, the scent of decay will disappear within minutes.

3. Arm & Hammer(TM) Baking Soda: Pour a full box of Arm & Hammer(TM) baking soda into a bowl, and leave it out near the body; within hours the natural absorbency of the baking soda will suck in and trap the stink emanating from the body. For extra absorbency, place another full bowl of Heinz(TM) vinegar next to the bowl of baking soda. Vinegar also absorbs scents, and double the absorbency means half the stench!

2. Ammonia: Nothing masks a scent like ammonia. We mean nothing. People with no sense of smell can feel it burning in their nostrils. In fact, the only reason that ammonia isn’t #1 on our list is that the scent of ammonia is so strong that it could clue a passerby in on the fact that something in your home is amiss, and you might wind up with two bodies to mask the scent of.

1. Lime: What else could it be? It’s been used in The Godfather, on television’s Monk, in Pulp Fiction, and in countless other television shows and films to scrub away a sticky situation and leave it smelling like a tropical wonderland. Whether you wish to go the old fashioned way and squeeze the stuff out with a juicer or use an industrial lime-based cleaner like Lime Away(TM), there is no substitute for lime when you have something to hide.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Fall Seasonal Menu at L’Anthropophagie

Amuse Bouche

“Olive” Tepenade
Zeke avec Tzatziki
Melon et Jambon de l’Humaine

Soup and Salad

Cold Squashed Nut Soup
Gazpacho Sanguinaire
Corn Salad with Thousand Islander Dressing


Chili rubbed Salman
Crab with Genitals
Trout MENuire


Duck a la Rouge
Chicken Pol Pot Pie


Parsley-Crusted Sam Chops with Greens
Filet Minion
Dork Loin
Tete de Duff
New York Stripper


Molly au Chocolat
Finger Pie
Custard Man
Peach Cobbler

BEWARE! Your Home Appliances May Kill You!

The modern kitchen is equipped with numerous devices in addition to the arcane forks and knives of our forebears. These devices can wash our dishes, our clothes, chop onions for us, even clean up after little Whiskers when he does his business. These electrical devices are called appliances, and if the necessary precautions are not taken they can easily become death-traps.

Never over-fill your washing machine with clothes. Never use more than the amount of detergent recommended on your machine without first consulting an expert. Never put cats, dogs, newborn babies, mice or possums you may catch in your garden, frogs, toddlers or other small children, human heads, livers, etc into your drier, unless you want them cooked until dry. Always remove the lint from your drier, even if you enjoy allowing it to build up into a little blue and red and purple swatch, as it could catch fire and burn your house down.

Never allow the microwave door to prop open while in the process of heating something; you may turn your kitchen into a miniature Chernobyl, complete with a family of three-eyed mutants with hands that look curiously melted together.

Do not remove the large contoured plastic walls of your blender to create a weaponized, fast-moving blade. Also, do not place anyone’s hand in a blender, as they will wind up horribly disfigured.

The modern coffeemaker is well-equipped for the needs of most coffee drinkers, and is often capable of making a large enough pot of coffee to scald 3-5 on-lookers. Do not scald 3-5 on-lookers with your fresh, boiling hot coffee. On a related note, do not sneak up behind a pal and press your conveniently sized espresso shot against the skin around his eye, as he will likely be permanently blinded.

As we can now see, the modern kitchen is a place capable of both wonder and unspeakable horror. By following the guidelines laid out here you will be able to prevent the worst from happening. And remember, your oven is NOT a practical substitute for a baby-sitter.