Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Zombie Eats Hooker's Brain, Makes Antisemitic Comments About "Two And A Half Men" Creator

Los Angeles. Zombie, the highest-paid actor on television, spent the last night in jail after being caught in a hotel room cavorting with a prostitute. Officers on the scene described total carnage, involving a ruined tv set, a giraffe that had apparently overdosed on percosset and crack cocaine, and a prostitute whose brain had been eaten.

"I don't see what the big deal is," explained the zombie, "everybody's just pissed cuz' I'm so much more awesome than they are."

Los Angeles County sheriff Martin Doddleman disagreed, however. "These zombies think that they're above the law," he explained. "I mean, if you or I were caught in a hotel room with a dead giraffe, we would be in jail for at least three years."

The zombie, who stars in the CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men," did not take these allegations seriously. "Look, if that sheriff or whoever wanted to have such an awesome life, he should have made all the smart choices I did. I think he's just jealous that I have the coolest life ever and he's a fucking cop," he told Splatitudes.

During an interview with ABC last night, the zombie called "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre "an excruciatingly bad writer," and said that "it's shocking how much of a untalented asshole he is given that he's Jewish." When asked to comment on the fact that these comments could be viewed in some circles as antisemitic, he countered, "Antisemitic? If somebody said I was good at eating brains, would that be anti-zombie? Psh."

While many are dismayed and insulted at this zombie's words, the prostitute's mother, who is herself a zombie, was not so ready to judge the actor that had murdered her daughter. "Man's gotta eat," she said.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Unfortunate Superheroes

Obaman, a superhero with the ability to quit smoking and throw whistleblowers in jail! Painting by Alex Ross

The Human Giraffe: Blake Barnsley was just an average Joe working at the zoo when a calamity at the nuclear reactor next door fused his own human DNA with giraffe DNA. When his neck proved unable to stand on its own, and it was clear that he would be dragging his head along the ground for his remaining years, he was fired. Sad and downtrodden, he went home and learned how to twist his neck around and literally throw his head at crooks like a foxtail! Unfortunately, after his tenth concussion, he fell into a deep depression and died of chronic traumatic encephalopathy.

Awesome Dude: Awesome Dude was born to the race of Kramdarians, who look exactly like people, on the dying planet Kramdar and sent to Earth when civil war erupted amongst his homeland's inhabitants. Raised by a man and woman, it took him until well into adolescence to realize that the absence of anything but a patch of clammy skin in between his legs was abnormal. In a moment of rage and confusion, he decided to take on the mantle of Awesome Dude to help save the human race from itself, but wound up discovering that he had no super powers aside from a lack of genitalia.

The Reverend: It's a bird! No, wait, it's Ted Haggert! No, it's THE REVEREND. Mild Mannered Lars Lockmeister was born to a relatively agnostic household, but upon discovering the ancient power of scripture he decided to save the world from the evils of abortion, homosexuality, Islam, extramarital sex, masturbation, pornography, Chinamen, liberalism, television, zippers, etc by bombing the crap out of any building that contains them. Donning his black and white costume, The Reverend prowls the streets at night to keep the American family safe.

Ken Jennings: Ken Jennings was thought to have superhuman intelligence after winning numerous rounds of the tv game show Jeopardy, but it turns out he can't even beat A FUCKING COMPUTER.

Soup Man: Crarke Krent was a journalist until discovering that he had the power to advertise within his column on financial issues. At first, he was hired by Campbell's Soup to reference their fine products in his articles, hence the name Soup Man, but eventually he was hired by companies ranging from Bank of America to JPMorgan-Chase to Wells Fargo to tout their products over the competition! With great power comes great responsibility, however, and as soon as firms got word that he was working for multiple banks he lost all of his business. Luckily, he was hired by The Washington Post and continues to do a great job reporting on the ins and outs of press conferences.

The Crab Whisperer: David Drawkriss slept with his beautiful girlfriend, Liza Dipthanger, a nuclear technician, only to realize days later during a trip to the doctor that she had given him pubic lice. Leaving the doctor's office, he viewed some thugs robbing a bank across the street. Before he could even realize what was going on, his crabs had flown out of his pants and begun mercilessly attacking the bank robbers with their tiny little claws and prevented the theft of almost a million dollars. Calling himself The Crab Whisperer, Drawkriss would stop crime wherever he saw it, eventually even saving Awesome Dude's homeland of Kramdar from being taken over by his arch nemesis, Killer Shampoo. Over his lifetime, however, his junk began to look like a chunk of old, wet, termite-invested floor, and eventually fell off.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Splatitudes 2.0

I would like to apologize to all of my loyal readers for missing out on the last few months of blogging. In the weeks following my incident, I thought long and hard about my life, and decided to get plastic surgery in order to take my life back and revamp/replace my missing eye, missing arm, missing fingers, and missing toes! After a long period of thought, a bout of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and a few months under the knife in Mexico, I think it looks great. Check it out:

Dr. Salazar created my new eye by molding latex. He says that it's the most state-of-the-art process that is performed in his field today. I love my new 'look'!

My new hand is also fashioned from the finest latex! While my new hand seems to have varicose veins- and a slit at the top- I think it's great that I can use all of my appendages again! My new fingers are actually made out of cadavers, go figure. I guess the best flesh for humans is human flesh!
I just feel great about myself. I'm still looking for a specialist to restore my toes to their former glory. I'll talk to y'all tomorrow, I'm gonna go try and get my girlfriend back!