tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10478315998004384052024-03-06T00:12:13.080-08:00splatitudes.on splatter matters. disclaimer: all people, places, things, events, beheadings, companies, cannibals, restaurants, etc are purely fictional, unless otherwise noted.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-7753687865721479192011-03-02T14:07:00.000-08:002011-03-02T14:07:53.828-08:00Zombie Eats Hooker's Brain, Makes Antisemitic Comments About "Two And A Half Men" CreatorLos Angeles. Zombie, the highest-paid actor on television, spent the last night in jail after being caught in a hotel room cavorting with a prostitute. Officers on the scene described total carnage, involving a ruined tv set, a giraffe that had apparently overdosed on percosset and crack cocaine, and a prostitute whose brain had been eaten.<br />
<br />
"I don't see what the big deal is," explained the zombie, "everybody's just pissed cuz' I'm so much more awesome than they are."<br />
<br />
Los Angeles County sheriff Martin Doddleman disagreed, however. "These zombies think that they're above the law," he explained. "I mean, if you or I were caught in a hotel room with a dead giraffe, we would be in jail for at least three years."<br />
<br />
The zombie, who stars in the CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men," did not take these allegations seriously. "Look, if that sheriff or whoever wanted to have such an awesome life, he should have made all the smart choices I did. I think he's just jealous that I have the coolest life ever and he's a fucking cop," he told Splatitudes.<br />
<br />
During an interview with ABC last night, the zombie called "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre "an excruciatingly bad writer," and said that "it's shocking how much of a untalented asshole he is given that he's Jewish." When asked to comment on the fact that these comments could be viewed in some circles as antisemitic, he countered, "Antisemitic? If somebody said I was good at eating brains, would that be anti-zombie? Psh."<br />
<br />
While many are dismayed and insulted at this zombie's words, the prostitute's mother, who is herself a zombie, was not so ready to judge the actor that had murdered her daughter. "Man's gotta eat," she said.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-32928244840521122192011-02-26T23:53:00.000-08:002011-02-26T23:53:34.780-08:00Unfortunate Superheroes<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e6qnEMwZ8fo/SREe0POJGsI/AAAAAAAAAKs/T7x45ht_f6g/s400/alex-ross_barack-obama-Oman-superhero-painting-2008.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_e6qnEMwZ8fo/SREe0POJGsI/AAAAAAAAAKs/T7x45ht_f6g/s320/alex-ross_barack-obama-Oman-superhero-painting-2008.jpg" width="274" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Obaman, a superhero with the ability to quit smoking and throw whistleblowers in jail! Painting by Alex Ross</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
The Human Giraffe: Blake Barnsley was just an average Joe working at the zoo when a calamity at the nuclear reactor next door fused his own human DNA with giraffe DNA. When his neck proved unable to stand on its own, and it was clear that he would be dragging his head along the ground for his remaining years, he was fired. Sad and downtrodden, he went home and learned how to twist his neck around and literally throw his head at crooks like a foxtail! Unfortunately, after his tenth concussion, he fell into a deep depression and died of chronic traumatic encephalopathy.<br />
<br />
Awesome Dude: Awesome Dude was born to the race of Kramdarians, who look exactly like people, on the dying planet Kramdar and sent to Earth when civil war erupted amongst his homeland's inhabitants. Raised by a man and woman, it took him until well into adolescence to realize that the absence of anything but a patch of clammy skin in between his legs was abnormal. In a moment of rage and confusion, he decided to take on the mantle of Awesome Dude to help save the human race from itself, but wound up discovering that he had no super powers aside from a lack of genitalia.<br />
<br />
The Reverend: It's a bird! No, wait, it's Ted Haggert! No, it's <i>THE REVEREND</i>. Mild Mannered Lars Lockmeister was born to a relatively agnostic household, but upon discovering the ancient power of scripture he decided to save the world from the evils of abortion, homosexuality, Islam, extramarital sex, masturbation, pornography, Chinamen, liberalism, television, zippers, etc by bombing the crap out of any building that contains them. Donning his black and white costume, The Reverend prowls the streets at night to keep the American family safe.<br />
<br />
Ken Jennings: Ken Jennings was thought to have superhuman intelligence after winning numerous rounds of the tv game show Jeopardy, but it turns out he can't even beat A FUCKING COMPUTER.<br />
<br />
Soup Man: Crarke Krent was a journalist until discovering that he had the power to advertise within his column on financial issues. At first, he was hired by Campbell's Soup to reference their fine products in his articles, hence the name Soup Man, but eventually he was hired by companies ranging from Bank of America to JPMorgan-Chase to Wells Fargo to tout their products over the competition! With great power comes great responsibility, however, and as soon as firms got word that he was working for multiple banks he lost all of his business. Luckily, he was hired by The Washington Post and continues to do a great job reporting on the ins and outs of press conferences.<br />
<br />
The Crab Whisperer: David Drawkriss slept with his beautiful girlfriend, Liza Dipthanger, a nuclear technician, only to realize days later during a trip to the doctor that she had given him pubic lice. Leaving the doctor's office, he viewed some thugs robbing a bank across the street. Before he could even realize what was going on, his crabs had flown out of his pants and begun mercilessly attacking the bank robbers with their tiny little claws and prevented the theft of almost a million dollars. Calling himself The Crab Whisperer, Drawkriss would stop crime wherever he saw it, eventually even saving Awesome Dude's homeland of Kramdar from being taken over by his arch nemesis, Killer Shampoo. Over his lifetime, however, his junk began to look like a chunk of old, wet, termite-invested floor, and eventually fell off.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-66901271990859266572011-02-25T22:38:00.000-08:002011-02-25T22:38:25.495-08:00Splatitudes 2.0I would like to apologize to all of my loyal readers for missing out on the last few months of blogging. In the weeks following <a href="http://splatitudes.blogspot.com/2010/12/tis-season-for-splatitudes.html">my incident</a>, I thought long and hard about my life, and decided to get plastic surgery in order to take my life back and revamp/replace my missing eye, missing arm, missing fingers, and missing toes! After a long period of thought, a bout of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and a few months under the knife in Mexico, I think it looks great. Check it out:<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46cecRnRG2Ir90GjdTz1p68gcFZW-PFQAvShgg7SiHrfzeUV0wgNgmoGyqq0mhtpJExHEnZLSAUt0l9o7lpn3SxrWLF5tqBNDtfQ9oCPI27SX1-8jKgEkMQKA4ZMnt-JJuvnb31s4iJ0/s1600/Splatitudes+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh46cecRnRG2Ir90GjdTz1p68gcFZW-PFQAvShgg7SiHrfzeUV0wgNgmoGyqq0mhtpJExHEnZLSAUt0l9o7lpn3SxrWLF5tqBNDtfQ9oCPI27SX1-8jKgEkMQKA4ZMnt-JJuvnb31s4iJ0/s320/Splatitudes+1.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dr. Salazar created my new eye by molding latex. He says that it's the most state-of-the-art process that is performed in his field today. I love my new 'look'!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizN-0bGBh-EMM8MAeGZDJrX4xrk5Lu36bPJXQEcAsiIsesQE8iEIlPAMWHBH-h1sQy8vQPmWS06-vAvc7ZyeGkPx_3RcSu50Qy9x3FguTya0I7966wJOtSs4CfqonRgP5h6UqC0uhsBNc/s1600/Splatitudes+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizN-0bGBh-EMM8MAeGZDJrX4xrk5Lu36bPJXQEcAsiIsesQE8iEIlPAMWHBH-h1sQy8vQPmWS06-vAvc7ZyeGkPx_3RcSu50Qy9x3FguTya0I7966wJOtSs4CfqonRgP5h6UqC0uhsBNc/s640/Splatitudes+2.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My new hand is also fashioned from the finest latex! While my new hand seems to have varicose veins- and a slit at the top- I think it's great that I can use all of my appendages again! My new fingers are actually made out of cadavers, go figure. I guess the best flesh for humans is human flesh!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I just feel great about myself. I'm still looking for a specialist to restore my toes to their former glory. I'll talk to y'all tomorrow, I'm gonna go try and get my girlfriend back!</div>Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-64381053988702651052010-12-16T22:39:00.000-08:002010-12-16T22:39:37.146-08:00Movie Dead Baby Jokes<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://themoviebanter.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/million-dollar-baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://themoviebanter.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/million-dollar-baby.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, silly, not that kind of baby. ...although I feel like there could be a Lindbergh baby reference in here somewhere, minus about 950,000 dollars</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
Did you see the sequel to the documentary Babies?<br />
<i>Dead Babies? I heard it was really boring.</i><br />
<br />
Why did Rebecca De Mornay cross the road? <br />
<i>Because she was hemorrhaging like fucking</i> <i>crazy</i><i> and she needed a doctor</i> <br />
<br />
What do you call the disgusting thing that pops out of John Hurt's Chest?<br />
<i>A live alien baby</i><br />
<br />
Did you hear about the new biopic where Katherine Heigl plays Amelia Dwyer?<br />
<i>27+ Dead Babies?</i> <br />
<br />
How many dead babies does it take to send Roman Polanski over the edge?<br />
<i>Only one.</i><br />
<br />
What's the difference between a dead baby and Chucky from Child's Play?<br />
<i> For one thing, Chuckie can move. Although, come to think of it, they do look about the same size.</i><br />
<br />
Why did Angelina Jolie cross the road in the 1928?<br />
<i>To look for her baby, who [spoiler alert] is dead.</i><br />
<br />
Why did the Romanian woman cross the back alley?<br />
<i>Uh, what are you stupid? You're going to get an illegal abortion in the road?</i>Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-20882580045646254992010-12-12T18:58:00.000-08:002010-12-12T19:03:32.779-08:00Alternate Endings for James Bond Films<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTRLDm3YRy0sdMr-pOeRlqFgjgNun7W5G596VBqMBI7PVi8CbLP" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTRLDm3YRy0sdMr-pOeRlqFgjgNun7W5G596VBqMBI7PVi8CbLP" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Timothy "H Bond" Dalton. GET IT, HE'S A WEAK BOND</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
Goldfinger<br />
<br />
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?<br />
Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.<br />
[Bond Dies]<br />
<br />
Octopussy<br />
<br />
Vijay: Is he still there?<br />
Q: You must be joking! Double O Seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!<br />
[cut to plane crash in Bahamas, close up of Roger Moore's dead eyes]<br />
<br />
The Living Daylights<br />
<br />
Bond and Kara Milovy have escaped their small holding cell. "You were fantastic. We're free," says Kara. Bond replies, "Kara, we're inside an airbase in the middle of Russian Afghanistan." One of the guards runs out, exclaims, "Timothy Dalton, you are the worst Bond ever!" and shoots him through the heart.<br />
<br />
Licence to Kill<br />
<br />
The camera opens up on Bond, stoic and emotionless, just staring into the camera, like it's not there, but somehow he's mugging for it anyway, and well... you get the idea. A crazed fan runs out and begins shouting at Bond, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE! NOBODY LIKES YOU! WHY WOULD YOU BE IN A SECOND MOVIE! FUCK YOU!"<br />
<br />
Goldeneye<br />
<br />
M: If you think for one moment I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong. [M motions at one of her bodyguards, who promptly shoots Bond through the head]<br />
<br />
Casino Royale<br />
<br />
Bond wakes up at Mathis' villa to the realization that his entire genital area is either gone or grossly disfigured after he was tortured by Le Chiffre. Having discovered that this new wheelchair-bound, neutered Bond is only half the man he used to be, Vesper Lynd leaves Bond for greener pastures and makes off with the Queen's money. Bond, distraught that he has been left by the one woman he has given his heart to, kills himself by chewing a piece of explosive gum he has been given by Q.<br />
<br />
Quantum of Solace<br />
<br />
[doesn't happen because Bond took his own life in Casino Royale]Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-5595454662120641142010-12-09T12:30:00.000-08:002010-12-09T12:30:00.190-08:00Top 5 Worst First Dates EVER<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/images/2005/06/26/26_6_2005_BEE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/images/2005/06/26/26_6_2005_BEE.jpg" width="211" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I went on a date with this girl. But the worst part is she's allergic.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
5. <b>I got the axe</b> I went on this date with this girl from theology class I thought was cute, although maybe a little too wholesome for me, but when we went back to her place I found out she was actually working with an axe-wielding madman! <a href="http://splatitudes.blogspot.com/2010/12/tis-season-for-splatitudes.html">He chopped off my left arm, two fingers on my right hand, a bunch of toes, and poked my eyes out.</a> Last time I go out with a Catholic girl!<br />
<br />
4.<b> The Bee's Knees</b> Everything was going well, and I'd even set up this picnic for us in this secluded romantic park. As she's going down on me, however, this swarm of bees shows up and starts attacking us. I try to get out of her mouth and run away, but she isn't budging. Turns out she went into anaphylactic shock. I believe an "FML" is in order.<br />
<br />
3. <b>Choices, choices</b> So we wound up in this Saw-style abandoned warehouse trap in which I was given the choice between killing this girl and my sister, or else we all died. Something about "who you love most" or something. Needless to say, I chose my sister. I feel like anything else would have been a pretty big step for a first date.<br />
<br />
2. <b>RAPE!</b> The date itself was okay, but this girl was totally glued to her blackberry even after making me pay for the cab ride home. Seriously, she was just reading about herself on twitter the entire time! What a narcissist! When we got back to my place I could already tell the magic was gone. I only had sex with her because it felt like the right thing to do at the moment, and when the condom broke she made me keep on going even though I felt uncomfortable about it. Two days later I found out she slept with someone else that same week! Yuck! So now we're both pressing rape charges and she's in jail.<br />
<br />
1. <b>Leakage </b>Having read her blog a couple of times before she got lazy and gave up on it for a month, I thought this girl would be really cool. But when we got to Starbucks all she wanted to talk about was Wikileaks! I mean, it wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the fact that afterward we went on a four hour walk and she still wouldn't shut up about Julian Assange and how great he is! FOUR HOURS. Who the fuck does that?! Also, she was on her period and noticeably not wearing a tampon, hence the leakage.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-29066065841362324732010-12-08T11:41:00.000-08:002010-12-10T19:58:45.825-08:0020 Shards of Glass A Day!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://s6.thisnext.com/media/400x400/HAND-BLOWN-GLASS-PICKLE_9427E3E3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://s6.thisnext.com/media/400x400/HAND-BLOWN-GLASS-PICKLE_9427E3E3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yum! Blown glass pickles! Just like normal pickles with twice the nutritional value!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
What's it like to eat nothing but ground up glass every day for <a href="http://20potatoesaday.com/blog.php">two straight months</a>?! We've asked Nino Schibetta, executive director of the Michigan Junk-as-Food Commission, to find out! His blog about the endeavor will be posted here, on Splatitudes, until the two months expire, but then, who knows? Maybe he'll continue posting quizzes and contests to bring attention to the nutritional value of shards of glass!<br />
<br />
11/31/2010 17:11 -- Nino<br />
I am so excited to start blogging about this experiment! One of my awesome coworkers is currently poring over the FDA and the USDA archives to find out information on the exact nutritional value of my diet! I can't wait to find out exactly what nutrients I'll be getting daily. We'll post that information tomorrow, when I start my diet! For now, wish me luck!<br />
<br />
12/1/2010 20:04 -- Nino<br />
There goes my first amazing day of orgasmic glass-eating! For breakfast I ate a delicious shattered vase that my wife made for me. She's so great! She even melted a little bouillon cube onto it for extra flavor. For lunch I ate a glass plate, piece by piece, and then for dinner I had a blown glass sculpture of a fried chicken leg made especially for me to commemorate my little diet! Thanks so much guys, you shouldn't have!<br />
<br />
12/2/2010 14:25 -- Nino<br />
Just finished eating a delicious lunch of ground up shards-of-glass with maple syrup! Yum! Did you know that glass is a cheaper source of iron and riboflavin than breakfast cereal? The more you know...<br />
<br />
12/3/2010 16:45 -- Nino<br />
Today was my son's baseball tournament! Those little boys played their hearts out and lost the championship, but you know what, it's not about winning or losing, it's about fun! So we all went out for pizza and while all of the kids were eating pizza I was eating... shards of glass! I've been having a hard time meeting my 2000 calorie intake eating only shards of glass, and today in spite of having eaten more than twenty shards of glass I only ate 1500 calories! Also I got a really bad nosebleed today! I'm really tired, gonna go to bed. See you all tomorrow! ;)<br />
<br />
12/4/2010 21:32 -- Nino<br />
I walked by my favorite Chinese food restaurant and felt the scent of Kung Pao chicken waft into my nostrils today, but I resolved to stay strong! My wife even made me a sort of shards-o-glass stir fry to lighten my mood! Unfortunately, I began to bleed out of my eyes and ruined the whole dish! Sorry, hon!<br />
<br />
12/5/2010 10:30 -- Nino<br />
I feel like absolute s*** today and I called out of work. Maybe eating only shards of glass every day for two months wasn't such a great idea? Or maybe it's something completely unrelated! Either way, not feeling well, and blood has started to drip out of my right ear and its making hearing pretty hard! On another note, shards of glass are a great source of Vitamin C! I'm gonna go back to bed though! Talk to you tomorrow!<br />
<br />
12/6/2010 12:15 -- Nino<br />
There is blood all over my house and I'm starting to feel faint! My wife made me glass loaf- sort of like meat loaf, but with nothing but glass and calorie-less sauce- and get this, my nose literally fell off! My son started crying, and I told him, son, nobody likes a quitter! So here I am, on day 6, with some sort of awful disease, and I'm still eating nothing but shards of glass!<br />
<br />
12/7/2010 16:22 -- O'Reily<br />
<br />
<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px;"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/b_oiA32cCsk?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/b_oiA32cCsk?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="390"></object>Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-86327909662632727502010-12-06T12:25:00.000-08:002010-12-06T12:25:16.428-08:00Santa Claus Assassinated in Drone Strike<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTwJR35DUgm7LUqkNJVwNsObRnrwXIPq7sQE7pe8hAEQfL0STv5mQ" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTwJR35DUgm7LUqkNJVwNsObRnrwXIPq7sQE7pe8hAEQfL0STv5mQ" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image of Santa Claus released by Interpol</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
For our earlier coverage of Drones, click <a href="http://splatitudes.blogspot.com/2010/10/copy-for-new-usa-war-machinetm-ad.html">here</a>, <a href="http://splatitudes.blogspot.com/2010/10/copy-from-new-usa-war-machinetm-ad.html">here</a>, and <a href="http://splatitudes.blogspot.com/2010/10/copy-for-new-usa-war-machine-ad.html">here</a>.<br />
<br />
NORTH POLE- The militant leader Santa Claus was killed in a drone strike last night on the border between this arctic outpost and neighbor Canada, according to security contractors who requested anonymity. The border, which has recently turned into a hot-spot for elven extremist terrorism, has become increasingly unstable since political unrest forced Canadian PM Stephen Harper to disband parliament.<br />
<br />
"We can't just sit idly by as Santa's merry elves get their hands on a nuclear device," explained Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in an interview last Friday with ABC's Matt Lauer.<br />
<br />
The threat of Santa and his elves building their own weapon is, however, highly unlikely as Santa's workshop, located at North Pole capital Santa'a, has recently been reduced to rubble by US cluster bombs.<br />
<br />
Sources say that Santa's radicalization began about fifteen years ago when one of his elves showed him pictures of the 1996 shelling of the Qana, Lebanon refugee camp by Israeli soldiers. According to CIA officials, intelligence indicates that Santa was planning on crashing his sled into the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower in Chicago, in a plot reminiscent of 9/11.<br />
<br />
According to recently leaked documents procured by the whistleblower website Wikileaks, leadership throughout the northern hemisphere that had seemed friendly to Santa Claus have in fact been asking the United States to intervene in the north pole on their behalf. "You need to bomb them to the ground. Santa Claus is an existential threat who must be stopped," said Finland's president Tarja Halonen.<br />
<br />
Russian PM Vladimir Putin agreed in a separate cable, also calling him "an existential threat," but adding "if Russia wanted to, we could have him in Siberia tomorrow watching as his severed penis is fed to strong Russian dogs," and noting that "Santa Claus is weaker than f***ing Medvedev."<br />
<br />
"Luckily, that won't be necessary," said a CIA official. "We got him the good, old-fashioned, legal way, away from anything so dangerous as a battlefield."<br />
<br />
The real losers here, however, are the children of the world, who will not be receiving presents this year. "I can't believe they killed Santa," said one girl, in tears. "NOW I'LL NEVER GET MY HASBRO PRETTY POLLY DOLL! WAAAAHHHHH." One activist put it surprisingly succinctly: "Oh come on, we all know that Santa Claus isn't real- er, not a real threat."Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-41822433551545246802010-12-04T23:31:00.000-08:002010-12-04T23:31:56.603-08:00New TSA Procedure<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://tsa.cm/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/tsa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://tsa.cm/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/tsa.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gosh, that bald eagle makes me feel way better about some thirty year old on a power trip playing with my six year old son's balls</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
The primary goal of the TSA is to create a fun, safe environment for flying with minimal embarrassment for travelers. In fact, we've even allocated as much as five thousand tax-payer dollars towards training our officers to understand that passengers have boundaries. In addition, we've spoken with an American in a wheelchair to better suit the needs of the disabled.<br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
The Process:<br />
<br />
TSA has finally struck the perfect balance between security and comfort with our newest procedure. While you may be unfamiliar with these new procedures, we assure you that they have been created for your safety. Because terrorists have begun to swallow bombs in order that they may kill you, and the freedom you love, you may be subject to exploratory stomach surgery.<br />
<br />
For Your Privacy and Comfort:<br />
<br />
A trained TSA official will make an incision with a scalpel in your abdominal area and, wearing sterile gloves, feel around for prohibited material with the back of his/her hand. Don't worry, you will only be searched by a person of the same sex, and you may request that this search be done in private.<br />
<br />
Baggage Screening:<br />
<br />
Occasionally the exploratory surgery will warrant a closer look inside of your baggage. Our TSA officers have been trained to do this as discretely as possible, and most airports now have tables with side-walls in order to protect your privacy. We suggest that you think carefully about what you put in carry-on baggage, as most clothing will result in indefinite detention for the safety of the passengers around you.<br />
<br />
Passengers with Disabilities:<br />
<br />
Passengers with disabilities will be laughed at as discreetly as possible, especially if their disability necessitates some sort of urine-holding device. If you are one such passenger, you should be aware that having more than three ounces of urine in your body will result in jail time.<br />
<br />
We suggest that you communicate with our trained officers about your condition, although your exploratory surgery will be subject to the same rigor as those of other passengers. People with pacemakers will also be subject to exploratory heart surgery, and those with bionic legs will be kept from planes as there is no way of knowing whether or not they are in fact robot terrorists from the future.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-85902289662031760442010-12-02T12:30:00.000-08:002010-12-02T12:30:37.053-08:00Republican Pundit Debates Democratic Pundit About Wikileaks<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRgr-Mny3jBPE1AZHLsI-OS6-MR6bSq1p5SzNpubrU1N1H0MuWG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRgr-Mny3jBPE1AZHLsI-OS6-MR6bSq1p5SzNpubrU1N1H0MuWG" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artist's rendition of Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange, courtesy of metsfanfiction.blogspot.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
For our earlier investigative reporting Julian Assange, click <a href="http://splatitudes.blogspot.com/2010/10/report-wikileaks-founder-julian-assange.html">here</a><br />
<br />
Republican: Good afternoon, Democrat.<br />
<br />
Democrat: Good afternoon, Republican.<br />
<br />
Republican: So we've got a lot to talk about, what with news that Sweden has issued an arrest warrant for Julian Assange on charges of rape.<br />
<br />
Democrat: I think we're really missing the point here, when we talk about these allegations. The real news is that the New York Times has obtained evidence that Julian Assange is actually a <i>swamp monster</i>. I mean, can we really trust information relayed to us by a swamp monster?<br />
<br />
Republican: See- now, I know, we disagree on a lot [laughs]- but this is one thing we can agree on. I don't understand why people seem to care so much about these rape charges when in reality this Mr. Assange is some sort of axe-wielding <i>swamp terrorist</i>.<br />
<br />
Democrat: Now hold on a second. I don't know that I would go that far. I mean, we don't even really have reliable intelligence that he has an <i>axe</i>, so I don't think we could call him a terrorist.<br />
<br />
Republican: What about material support for terrorism? He's given aide to the terrorists! Don't you understand? That <i>makes</i> him a terrorist.<br />
<br />
Democrat: Well, I mean, if we knew he had an <i>axe... That</i> would be material support for terrorism.<br />
<br />
Republican: I think we're arguing over semantics here. I think we can both agree that Mr. Assange should be arrested.<br />
<br />
Democrat: Oh, well, <i>duh</i>.<br />
<br />
Republican: Luckily, though, we've got Julian Assange's body double here to talk with us via <i>interweb vision</i> technology. What do you have to say for yourself, asshole?<br />
<br />
Australian Baritone with Brown Hair: Well, I just think that-<br />
<br />
Democrat: I see you've got a new haircut.<br />
<br />
ABBH: Look, these ridiculous charges that I'm some kind of Swamp-<br />
<br />
Democrat: It really suits you, you know.<br />
<br />
Republican: Really? You've got the representative of one of the world's most nefarious terrorist organizations on and you want to ask him about his <i>haircut?</i> I want this piece of shit to tell my why I shouldn't just shoot him and make the <i>real</i> Julian Assange come out of his <i>swamp</i>.<br />
<br />
Democrat: We don't know for sure it's a swamp.<br />
<br />
Republican: Maybe it's a cave... Maybe it's the same cave as Bin Laden!<br />
<br />
Democrat: Well, we don't know that for sure.<br />
<br />
ABBH: Uh, excuse me, there are actually important revelations in these documents. Secretary of State Clinton literally asked US Diplomats to spy on top UN-<br />
<br />
Republican: WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK PAL!<br />
<br />
Democrat: Yeah, I mean, that information is sorta, you know, <i>classified</i>.<br />
<br />
Republican: You know, <i>my </i>magazine won't even <i>publish</i> information regarding that kind of sensitive material.<br />
<br />
ABBH: You know, neither one of you is a real journalist.<br />
<br />
Democrat: Hey! That's not fair. The newspaper <i>I </i>work for just buries all of the worthwhile information under tons of unreliable bullshit about Iran's nuclear program. I mean, just yesterday we did a piece about how The US pressured both Germany <i>and</i> Spain to refrain from investigating torture of innocent nationals from their countries. I mean, yeah, it was on A27, but that's not that bad, right?Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-41133766892018295192010-12-01T11:18:00.000-08:002010-12-01T11:20:14.605-08:00Tis the Season... FOR SPLATITUDES<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.truecrimereport.com/Leatherface.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://www.truecrimereport.com/Leatherface.jpg" width="190" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's problem</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
I would like to apologize to both of you loyal readers for missing out on the month of November. What happened, might you ask? I turned twenty one, blacked out at a bar, woke up in the basement of a masked man with a chainsaw and escaped less one left arm, one right eye, two fingers on my right hand and a number of toes that I have not had the resilience to count yet. After that weekend, I spent two weeks crying and another week learning how to type with only two fingers. I am sorry if this information causes distress for some people, but I believe I owe to my readers to explain my situation.<br />
<br />
And now, without further ado, the top ten things that suck about my life:<br />
<br />
10. I am developing carpal tunnel in my two remaining fingers<br />
<br />
9. I am no longer ambidextrous<br />
<br />
8. While I was gone my roommate drank all of my Four Loco and NOW IT'S ILLEGAL WTF<br />
<br />
7. I no longer have a hard time identifying with Daniel Day Lewis's character in "My Left Foot"<br />
<br />
6. The man who maimed me will not be prosecuted due to pressure from the pro-chainsaw lobby<br />
<br />
5. My depth perception is so skewed that objects in mirror are generally closer than... well, actually, I have no idea where the fuck they are<br />
<br />
4. The assailant also cut my tongue off (guess I forgot to mention that one), and I am now no longer able to bring my girlfriend to orgasm<br />
<br />
3. She left me for a lumberjack (OH THE CRUEL IRONY)<br />
<br />
2. I haven't yet figured out how to masturbate using only my thumb, pinky and forefinger without hurting myself<br />
<br />
1. I have to go back to school in the SpringCallumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-17780488370651224412010-11-06T09:33:00.000-07:002010-11-06T09:33:47.746-07:00Things You Can Do Now That You're Twenty-One<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://blogs.citypages.com/food/anheuser%20busch%20beer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://blogs.citypages.com/food/anheuser%20busch%20beer.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Congrats! You can now drown someone in Anheuser Busch products!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
-Drink yourself to death<br />
<br />
-Play half-shattered beer bottle tag<br />
<br />
-Waterboard someone in single malt, aged scotch whiskey<br />
<br />
-Assassinate a political figure by slipping something into his drink; yeah, that's right, the one you just ordered for him<br />
<br />
-Buy a handgun- and/or a semi-auto- and, uh, defend yourself (oh shit, sorry, you could do that one at eighteen)<br />
<br />
-Run someone over in a rented car (although the insurance is really high)<br />
<br />
-Get kneecapped by someone in Vegas after cheating on the casino floor<br />
<br />
-Become an MP in England<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BITCHES</i>Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-57173109574618424732010-11-03T21:56:00.000-07:002010-11-03T21:56:03.183-07:00Dragons Defeat Knights in Landslide Victory<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSrgX59xjsWZkLq7jBTjfRm_A11ddRcYBKgHS-Ilmuy3NG8SXs&t=1&usg=__Amri5QkT1KIdL7XLzqr7VdL-waE=" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSrgX59xjsWZkLq7jBTjfRm_A11ddRcYBKgHS-Ilmuy3NG8SXs&t=1&usg=__Amri5QkT1KIdL7XLzqr7VdL-waE=" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nancy Pelosi, knight of California's 8th district, will likely sacrifice herself to the dragons in shame after Tuesday's bloodbath in Haus.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
The biggest news this attrition cycle was the utter and complete destruction of knights yesterday by fire-breathing dragons. Dragons have killed 60 knights in the larger battlefield of Haus while knights managed to hold them back- momentarily- in the smaller town of Sen-A'at, suffering casualties of 6. Knights did not manage to kill a single dragon.<br />
<br />
Many kind hearted peasant-folk are blaming the knights for their incoherence, inability to work with one-another, inability to eke out a compromise with fire-breathing dragons, and allegiance to nothing but the King's money.<br />
<br />
"You ask me, these knights are f***ing rubbish," said one such commoner, under the condition of anonymity. "They would sell the lot of us out to a f***ing alchemist if there was gold in it. And what about this f***ing healthcare reform? Their grand solution for healthcare is forcing us all to <i>pay a tithing to fire-breathing dragons?</i> Why the f*** can't <i>they </i>provide us healthcare?"<br />
<br />
The knights did have their fans, however. "I really think that the knights made a valiant effort when they prevented the collapse of General Dragons by giving them a few billion dollars," explained another commoner. "Of course, I don't actually have any effect on this outcome, but I would much rather the knights win."<br />
<br />
"My bloody home was taken away by a dragon <i>working with a knight," </i>said John of Merrymount, a serf on a small plot only a few miles away from the battlefields of Sen-A'at and Haus. "Really? These are our options? Dragons, who bathe our homes in fire, and knights, who are only interested in money and self-preservation?"<br />
<br />
The dragons, lead by their speaker John Boehner, have as yet refused to explain what exactly their strategy is now that they have effectively conquered the realm of man. "Well, we haven't exactly decided yet, but you can expect some fire-breathing, maybe some turmoil, but really we're just waiting to see how the head knight f***s up," he said in a press conference on Wednesday morning.<br />
<br />
"You can expect everything to shut down. And I swear to God, in six years we <i>will</i> roast Harry Reid on a spit," said Jim DeMint, a member of the dragon leadership who got himself into hot water recently after suggesting that gay dragons were the equivalent of lowly humans, referring to Knight Harry Reid.<br />
<br />
One thing was for sure, and that was that the reason the knights lost the battle of Haus was because the Knights had not kowtowed enough to the dragons. "Next time we'll make sure and get [the dragons] an even better tithing than we did with the Health Care Decree or the Bail-Out Decree or the FISA Decree," explained Steny Hoyer, who will likely be the new leader of the Knights following current leader Nancy Pelosi's inevitable ritual sacrifice. "We're sure to win as long as we give them Social Security, and let them continue to force people out of their homes with flames."Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-25464801968564088622010-11-01T22:31:00.000-07:002010-11-01T22:31:35.417-07:00Historical Dead Baby Jokes<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.babyclipart.net/baby_clipart_images/group_of_cartoon_babies_of_different_ethnic_races_diverse_babies_0515-1001-3012-0745_SMU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.babyclipart.net/baby_clipart_images/group_of_cartoon_babies_of_different_ethnic_races_diverse_babies_0515-1001-3012-0745_SMU.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Babies from around the world!</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
What do you call 400 or more dead babies over the course of twenty years?<br />
Amelia Dyer's handiwork<br />
<br />
How would you describe Charles Lindburgh's baby?<br />
Dead<br />
<br />
What do you call 12% of North Korea's babies dead?<br />
The Arduous March<br />
<br />
Why did the North Korean baby cross the road in 1994?<br />
To avoid dying of starvation<br />
<br />
How many dead babies does it take to please a just and loving God?<br />
One, named Isaac<br />
<br />
What do you call a half a baby?<br />
A fair compromise according to Solomon, duh<br />
<br />
What did the Egyptian dude do upon experiencing the death of his first and only child?<br />
Slapped his forehead and said, "Go<i>damn</i>it! Forgot the lamb's blood again!"Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-92228402692540966372010-10-31T23:51:00.000-07:002010-10-31T23:52:24.955-07:00All Hallows' Day Tips: Great Hallow's Costume Ideas!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/39/Joan_of_arc_miniature_graded.jpg/210px-Joan_of_arc_miniature_graded.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/39/Joan_of_arc_miniature_graded.jpg/210px-Joan_of_arc_miniature_graded.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">St. Joan of Arc</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
All Saints' Day, November 1st, is a fun holiday for Christians of all western denominations! Here at Splatitudes we've compiled a short of list of fun All Saints' Day costumes you could wear to your Hallows' Day office party, frat party, or mass.<br />
<br />
Slutty Joan of Arc: All you need is a chainmail bra and a large pole to tie to your back. Anybody can be <i>hot</i> like Joan of Arc.<br />
<br />
Saint Agnes: You don't have to be a virgin to dress up as this sexy little twelve year old martyr. Tie a little red ribbon around your neck and wear a skintight black leotard; all the guys go <i>crazy.</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Perpetua and Felicity: You and a friend dress up in tiny togas (be careful not to let too much show! Luckily, you can always go online and buy vatican-approved crucifix pasties if you're afraid of a little wardrobe malfunction) and walk a "wild beast" (a dog) around the neighborhood. People will ogle your faith! Don't forget to thank God when the wild beast tears the two of you apart.<br />
<br />
Margaret Pole: So she's not technically a saint, and really didn't do anything all that great, but she has been beatified and the Catholic church considers her a martyr, so what the heck! Use ketchup to create 10-12 realistic looking gashes in your neck and shoulder area to represent the 10-12 times the last living member of the house of Plantagenet was struck.<br />
<br />
Canonizations of J2P2: You and your entire sorority could dress up as the various saints canonized by John Paul the Second, although you're going to have to have a pretty big sorority! Options include Jeanne Delanoue, Paula Frassinetti, Magdalene of Nagasaki, Marina of Omura, Eustochia Smeraldo Calafato, Magdalen of Canossa, Clerla Barbieri, Agnes of Bohemia, Mutien-Marie Wiaux, Claudine Thevenet, Juana Fernandez Solar, Hedwig: Queen of Poland, Edith Stein, Agostina Livia Pietrantoni, Sister Faustina, Maria de Jesus Sacramentado Venegas, Maria Josefa of the Heart of Jesus Sancho de Guerra, Katharine Drexel, Josephine Bakhita, Teresa Eustochio Verzeri, Paula Montal Fornes de San Jose de Calasanz, Maria Crescentia Hoss, Pauline of the Agonizing Heart of Jesus, Benedetta Cambiagio Frasinello, Josemaria Escriva, Angela de la Cruz, Maria Maravillas de Jesus, Urszula Ledochowska, Maria de Mattias, Virginia Centurione Bracelli, Paola Elizabetta Cerioli, Gianna Beretta Molla, and a ton of nameless Korean and Vietnamese martyrs, just to name the women! You could be "ironic" and dress up as the male saints canonized by John Paul II, but none of the frat boys will want you.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-65073104021326432942010-10-30T22:47:00.000-07:002010-10-30T22:47:45.653-07:00Halloween Tips: Places to Steer Clear of This Halloween<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTfLG3DoJ42PWeG9Q-LlU8Epnr0P4lBCimWWzppY-WPDbTsxIA&t=1&usg=__yVQFRuvZjXfrya-G4AvE7b4Z2bw=" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTfLG3DoJ42PWeG9Q-LlU8Epnr0P4lBCimWWzppY-WPDbTsxIA&t=1&usg=__yVQFRuvZjXfrya-G4AvE7b4Z2bw=" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some folks may try to abduct your children, dye their hair strange colours, and put them on the market for prostitution. The first step towards prevention is awareness.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Halloween is a fun, spooky night for the whole family; that said, we've all heard the horror stories about razor blades in candy apples and axe murderers who would like nothing more than to rape and kill your children. That's why we passed Megan's Law! Now YOU can go onto the internet and find out where monstrous sex offenders lurk near YOUR house. Of course, sometimes looking through the sex offender registry isn't enough to keep your children safe on Halloween. That's why we've created a list of neighborhoods in the Boston area to steer clear of.<br />
<br />
<b>The Fens</b>: Reports coming from The Fens suggest that young people have been given anthrax and botulism coated candy in the area, and that the homeless people are not only creepy but also dangerous and highly skilled in the art of stealing your children. We suggest that for a fun, safe halloween you simply stay away from this neighborhood.<br />
<br />
<b>The Back Bay</b>: While the Back Bay is home to some of Boston's most successful lawyers, it is also home to numerous child rapists and murderers who <i>have not been caught yet</i>. We suggest that if you take your kids to the Back Bay, you should have your head checked.<br />
<br />
<b>Beacon Hill</b>: Rich people in Beacon Hill have a taste for young flesh, and enjoy showing off their youthful trophies to their rich friends. If you don't want your children to be taken and taxidermied we suggest keeping away from Beacon Hill.<br />
<br />
<b>The Theater District</b>: Okay, so the Theater District isn't dangerous, and the people there won't kidnap your children. But seriously, do want your kids to be inundated with gay propaganda? Studies show that having a gay child is worse than having <i>no child at all</i>. You don't want your kid to be brainwashed by homosexuals, do you?<br />
<br />
<b>Chinatown</b>: They will take your child and tear his/her fingernails out, as if your child were a member of the Falun Gong cult, one by one. Or perhaps drip water on your child's forehead until he/she <i>goes insane</i>. Also, be aware, the people of Chinatown could steal your low-wage factory job!<br />
<br />
<b>Allston/Brighton</b>: Allston is a hedonistic wonderland of premarital sex, wanton drug use, and <i>murder</i>. A massive, scaled monster with red eyes and a taste for child-blood has been sighted running around Allston and looking for children in home-made costumes. If you want your child to be safe trick-or-treating in Allston, we suggest you <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=video&cd=3&ved=0CEYQtwIwAg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D0ASE_mRXXH8&ei=df3MTLXxGoOKlwfPluilBg&usg=AFQjCNGjlSsyq8Fy-3_RNYwHDC0YKTaL-g">shop for your child's costume at a local Target</a>.<br />
<br />
<b>Cambridge/Somerville</b>: The hippies of Cambridge and Somerville will force your kids to take lethal doses of Acid (LSD), suggesting that it will make them see magical unicorns.<br />
<br />
<b>Roxbury/Mattapan/Jamaica Plain</b>: These <i>poor</i> neighborhoods are full of <i>poor</i> people who wear <i>baggy clothing</i> and speak in <i>urban</i> dialect. These <i>poor</i> people will kill you for your watch. <i>In the middle of the street</i>. Even if it's in the middle of the day, and your watch is a Timex. That's why you should never walk through/drive through/look at Roxbury at night. Especially if it's Halloween.<br />
<br />
As you can see, the only safe places in Boston on Halloween are Government Center, where our dutiful civil servants work day and night to keep you safe, and Faneuil Hall, where you can trick or treat safely at Boston Confection and Creamery (TM) or Kilvert & Forbes Ltd. (TM) for a nominal fee. Trust us, it's worth it to keep your child from being abducted, tortured, subjected to human trafficking, drugged, brainwashed into accepting homosexual behavior, and shot dead.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-15324879598771208442010-10-30T10:32:00.000-07:002010-10-30T10:32:40.692-07:00Arsenic Lite<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS3K40BrhyvG0Uv6Ob7T16wB95vVyp6uxWZB1i_fxKqTO8nnHM&t=1&usg=__-u6d7-CeG10nm6seh3GmPC9_xgE=" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS3K40BrhyvG0Uv6Ob7T16wB95vVyp6uxWZB1i_fxKqTO8nnHM&t=1&usg=__-u6d7-CeG10nm6seh3GmPC9_xgE=" /></a></div><br />
<br />
Need to poison your husband for the life insurance, but can't be seen at the funeral next to a chubby corpse?<br />
...<i>Arsenic Lite!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Your Econ professor gave you a bad grade, and clearly needs to lose some weight?<br />
<i>...Arsenic Lite!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Need someone to lose a little more than 21 grams?<br />
<i>...Arsenic Lite!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Want to just end it all but you can't bare the thought of your living relatives making fun of your thighs?<br />
<i>...Arsenic Lite!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Guy next to you on the plane should have paid for two seats?<br />
<i>...Arsenic Lite!</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
Arsenic Lite is all the arsenic with half the calories! Also try Arsenic Zero, Caffeine-Free Arsenic, Virgin Arsenic, and Arsenic Original, now available in strawberry and grape flavours.<br />
<i><br />
</i>Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-8681490443714687442010-10-26T22:05:00.000-07:002010-10-26T22:05:26.520-07:00Radovan Karadzic Krack-Ups!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6d/Evstafiev-Radovan_Karadzic_3MAR94.jpg/225px-Evstafiev-Radovan_Karadzic_3MAR94.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/6d/Evstafiev-Radovan_Karadzic_3MAR94.jpg/225px-Evstafiev-Radovan_Karadzic_3MAR94.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Radovan Karadzic, aka Peter Gluman, aka Dragan David Dabic, courtesy of Wikipedia</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
What do you call a genocidaire with a mad scientist hair-do and a knack for hilarious hijinks?<br />
Karadzy!<br />
<br />
What do you call a really cool, really genocidal convection appliance?<br />
A rad oven<br />
<br />
What ridiculously misogynistic battle cry did Radovan Karadzic use to distract the interpol agents at his house?<br />
"Da-bich! Da-bich did it! Not me, her! She just left!"<br />
<br />
What do you call a spunky kung fu fighting female with a taste for genocide?<br />
A Karad-chick<br />
<br />
What would you call Radovan Karadzic if he was born just a little further to the North-East?<br />
Moldovan Karadzic<br />
<br />
What's Radovan Karadzic's favorite way to do drugs?<br />
Sniffing Gluman<br />
<br />
Where would Radovan Karadzic set his genocidal update of "A Clockwork Orange?"<br />
The former droog-o-slaviaCallumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-92152548426282139032010-10-25T20:58:00.000-07:002010-10-25T21:18:18.733-07:00Fourth Hand Smoke Kills Babies<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.dfhcc.harvard.edu/fileadmin/DFHCC_Admin/Membership/Photos/389.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.dfhcc.harvard.edu/fileadmin/DFHCC_Admin/Membership/Photos/389.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jonathan Winickoff, Harvard researcher and anti-smoking advocate. "No seriously, I don't see a conflict of interest in taking most of the money for my research from the company that manufactures nicorette," he explains.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
We've heard of the cancer-causing properties of second hand smoke, and the <a href="http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=what-is-third-hand-smoke">IQ-lowering properties of third hand smoke</a>, but now a Harvard-educated doctor has brought a dangerous new form of tobacco ingestion to light: fourth hand smoke.<br />
<br />
"If you are in a room with someone who recently had contact with a smoker days after smoking a cigarette- <i>even if it was outside</i>- your children will die," explained Dr. Jonathan Winickoff. "In our study of five different lab rats, we found that after the lab rats had been exposed to second hand smoke that one of their children- residing in another pen, in a different room, with no contact with the parents- died."<br />
<br />
This is an alarming new development, as parents who used to believe that their children who had only experienced tobacco through anti-smoking commercials were safe now know that they are not.<br />
<br />
"Gosh, after I heard about fourth hand smoking, I just- I can't believe that these fucking illegal immigrants- excuse me, smokers- would knowingly harm my children like this," explained one fearful parent, under the condition of anonymity.<br />
<br />
"F*** this, this is just an excuse to raise the taxes on packs of cigarettes," explained one misguided soul, lost to the allures of Big Tobacco. "If this bulls*** about fourth hand smoke- or third hand smoke, for that matter- was true, why don't they just make them illegal?"<br />
<br />
But the tragedy of fourth hand smoke is all too real. Just ask Miriam Schlotznick, a local shop-owner. "My child died from fourth hand smoke," she said. "My ex-husband is a smoker, and one day my child walked into the middle of the street and got hit by a car and died."<br />
<br />
"As if the fourth hand thing isn't bad enough, our study of lab rats also shows that smokers are more likely to gauge the eyes out of passers-by with silverware, brutally murder their loved ones and eat and/or have sex with the corpses, carry the bubonic plague, and yearn for a simpler life in a sewer," elaborated Dr. Winickoff.<br />
<br />
"I don't say this to defame smokers," he added, "just to protect our children. And to get people who smoke to quit smoking using Nicorette (TM) gum. Oh yeah, and to create more smoke-free public spaces. And to make it illegal to smoke indoors. Also so people understand that allowing a smoker in their house- <i>even if that person hasn't smoked a cigarette all day</i>- will kill their children."Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-66477809920877714902010-10-24T22:17:00.000-07:002010-10-24T22:19:31.834-07:00REPORT: Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange Actually Axe-Wielding Swamp Monster<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRMKIR37USExV9g7eINYZqF5bWMboATVC4kkGdH6HHbI4Tf-Cw&t=1&usg=__o5AiRrLgDUytQmWwooepCrqjZsA=" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRMKIR37USExV9g7eINYZqF5bWMboATVC4kkGdH6HHbI4Tf-Cw&t=1&usg=__o5AiRrLgDUytQmWwooepCrqjZsA=" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">John F. Burns, NYTimes "reporter" whose pulitzer prize winning account of the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia involved interviews with a Serbian murderer who, as it happens, didn't kill at least two people who he said he had after having the shit beaten out of him by guards at the prison where Burns interviewed him. Also, those guards were there when Burns interviewed him. Also, Burns failed to mention this in his pulitzer-winning account. What does this have to do with Julian Assange? READ ON...</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
According to at least one disgruntled Wikileaks employee, Wikileaks' founder and main spokesman, Julian Assange, is not what he seems. "That guy from the interviews or whatever," explained the former employee, on condition of anonymity, "that's not actually Julian. That's just some guy who the real Julian Assange hires to play him on tv. The real Julian isn't even Australian."<br />
<br />
Upon further questioning the former employee finally told us that Julian Assange is, in fact, "made out of mud- and human excrement" and "came from a swamp somewhere, although [the employee is] not sure where exactly." The former employee added: "oh yeah, and he has this big axe that he chops people's heads off with, and it's really scary, so you shouldn't listen to anything he says."<br />
<br />
"This is preposterous," said Assange's human body-double, "do I look like some kind of axe-wielding swamp monster? Crikey."<br />
<br />
"I don't really think that you can trust a man- excuse me, an evil deity of the swamp- who would release documents that could clearly lead to the deaths of at least five bazillion members of our armed forces, and even more Iraqis," explained <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/24/world/24assange.html?ref=world">John F. Burns, a reporter for the New York Times</a>. "And now we find out that the guy's actually an axe-wielding madman and not an adorable Australian hacker? Like we can honestly believe anything that these documents say now."<br />
<br />
Mr. Assange's organization, Wikileaks, was responsible for the leak of 400,000 secret U.S. Military documents, all of which harm our national security interest. When we asked Mr. Assange's lying human stand-in to weigh in on the issue of the real Mr. Assange's true identity, he said that "it is ridiculous that you would focus on my personal life when you have just been given access to documents that clearly state that THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS COMMITTED WAR CRIMES IN IRAQ BOTH THROUGH ITS ACTIVE WANTON MURDER OF IRAQI CIVILIANS (SIXTY SIX THOUSAND OF THEM ACCORDING TO THE OFFICIAL TALLY- that's right, the tally that they denied the existence of up until now) AND ITS PASSIVE ALLOWANCE OF BRUTAL TORTURE BY COALITION-GUIDED IRAQI FORCES."<br />
<br />
He added: "But yeah, I'm an axe-wielding swamp monster. John F. Burns can go fuck himself, and maybe while he's at it he can own up to the fact that his <a href="http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=1667">pulitzer prize for Bosnia was bullshit, and the statements he received from Borislav Herak were the result of torture</a>. Oh right, and resign his post at The Times in shame."Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-39765811463048331432010-10-23T21:49:00.000-07:002010-10-24T18:59:26.539-07:00Elizabeth Bathory's Facebook Page<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://baau.clan.su/_nw/0/05113.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="255" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">me n my new dress its so kewl</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://baau.clan.su/_nw/0/05113.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Stefan Bathory</b>: You looked so young when I saw you!<br />
--<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</span></b> likes this<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</span></b> is no longer married to <b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Ferenc Nadasdy</span></b><br />
<br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</b> posted a note: "biting sum gurl's face off is waaayyyy better thn sex"<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Istvan Magyari</span></b>: Holy shit, girl, u r up in some crazy intense shit<br />
--<b style="color: #0b5394;">King Mathias</b>: oh cum on dude its elzibeth bathry gyorgy u go chck it out wen u get the chace<br />
--<b style="color: #0b5394;">Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo</b>: will do, sir<br />
<br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Dorottea Szentes</b> tagged <b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</span></b> in the note "Rub a dub dub in a tub fulla blud"<br />
--<b style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</span></b>: not truuueeeee how many times do i hav to tellll youuuuu<br />
<br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</b> posted a new photo album: "haha stupid peasant girls i froze to death when i was totally fuxed up"<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo</span></b>: Holy shit, girl, ur up in sum crazzzzy intens shit<br />
<br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</b> is no seriously y is all you a$$holez hating<br />
<br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Janos Ujvary</b>: gurl wtf did u get us into<br />
--<b style="color: #0b5394;">Dorottea Szentes</b>, <b style="color: #0b5394;">Ilona Jo</b>, and <b style="color: #0b5394;">Katarina Benicka</b> like this<br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">King Mathias</span></b> created a Page: "elizabeth bathory is a total skank and shood get excuted"<br />
--300+ witnesses like this<br />
--<b style="color: #0b5394;">Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo</b>: dude i think we should kill tha other ones instead<br />
--<b><span style="color: #0b5394;">King Mathias</span></b>: y do u think that<br />
--<b style="color: #0b5394;">Gyorgy "The Sitch" Thurzo</b>: nobody seems to know lol<br />
--<b style="color: #0b5394;">King Mathias</b>: ok i agree<br />
<br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</b> is it s totally gay tht my freinds got excutid but like its cool im here alive ;)<br />
<br />
<b style="color: #0b5394;">Elizabeth Bathory</b> is attending "buried at Ecsed in 1614"Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-6691728745954876582010-10-21T22:23:00.000-07:002010-10-21T22:24:14.906-07:00Five Day Weather and Werewolf Forecast<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.imajlar.com/free_clipart/sun_clipart/sun_clipart_4.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://www.imajlar.com/free_clipart/sun_clipart/sun_clipart_4.gif" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We aren't as lucky as the sun; we humans have to deal with werewolves.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><b><br />
</b><br />
<b>Friday: Sunny with a 0% chance of werewolves.</b> Not quite a full moon yet, although you can expect a clear blue sky and a high of 50.<br />
<br />
<b>Saturday: Partly cloudy with a 100% chance of werewolves.</b> While there won't be any rain during the day, there will be scattered showers in the evening, around when the werewolves will begin coming out. They'll be turning at around six o'clock, so any time after six it is advised that you stay out of Harry's Pub, The Gray Dog, and other establishments popular amongst werewolves, as you may be mauled, eaten, or turned into a werewolf yourself.<br />
<br />
<b>Sunday: Heavy rain with a 53% chance of werewolves. </b>The same goes for Sunday. Stay at home, or at least away from well known werewolf haunts. Also, occasionally werewolves will get into violent, protracted fights with drunken Red Sox zombies, and you are particularly advised to stay away from Fenway Park at night.<br />
<br />
<b>Monday: Heavy rain with a 0% chance of werewolves.</b> Get out your raincoat! Monday's going to be one <i>rainy</i> day, with possible floods on the Mass Pike and other routes.<br />
<br />
<b>Tuesday: Light showers with a 0% chance of werewolves. </b>Tuesday should be on the warm side, with a high of 60 and a low of 56. It's possible, of course, that there will be scattered light showers on Tuesday morning, until the sun pokes up later on.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-78408779902018053692010-10-20T22:52:00.000-07:002010-10-20T22:57:46.718-07:00Diner Reviews of L'Anthropophagie<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.csumeats.com/images/Smoked%20Sausage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="254" src="http://www.csumeats.com/images/Smoked%20Sausage.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; font-style: normal;">At L'Anthropophagie, we only serve the finest Peking Dick. Image courtesy of csumeats.com</span></span></i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><i><br />
</i><br />
<i>To view the seasonal menu at L'Anthropophagie, click <a href="http://splatitudes.blogspot.com/2010/09/fall-seasonal-menu-at-lanthropophagie.html">here</a></i><br />
<br />
***<br />
so like we showed up and the service was pretty good but the food itself wasnt that stellar. i got the rosemary-crusted sam chops and ordered rare but it came out practically bloody. like they cut sam up right before. when i eat people i dont want to feel like im eating people. im not the only one who feels like this right?<br />
-mschlotznick62<br />
<br />
****1/2<br />
I haven't eaten a meal this good in a long, long time. With excellent service, a beautiful decor featuring fine white drapes and some of the most immaculately embroidered tablecloths I have ever seen, and some truly delectable people, L'Anthropophagie has the entire package. It will cost you, but it's worth every penny. I would suggest the ma'am shank and the hank steak.<br />
-luv2eatpeepul<br />
<br />
*<br />
fuck this place this place is so gay who the fuck eats humans this is fucking gross wtf wtf wtf... came here after reading a review in the ny times didnt realize it entailed eating sum guy named salman thought it was salmon ew ew ew<br />
-scottenorman2000<br />
<br />
***<br />
Could've been worse. The server was nice. The food was okay (the sally dressing was surprisingly delicious but the turduckhuman was just plain weird), but we'll probably be back now that we know what to order. At least they've got better tasting people here than at Le Bernadette.<br />
-sammymammy73<br />
<br />
**1/2<br />
Speaking as someone who has tasted people in their natural habitat, I can't call L'Anthropophagie particularly authentic, but I also can't say that it has the worst I've eaten. First of all, come on, can't you come up with a more clever name than just "cannibalism" in French? But seriously, the food itself was okay at best. I was kind of shocked at how tiny my portion of brooke a l'orange was, judging by the fact that it cost me twenty dollars, and because we all know that traditional<i> </i>French<i> bernard </i>a l'orange is made with a man and a <i>caramelized</i> orange sauce, not the disgusting goop they gave me.<br />
-pre10tiousCallumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-47582078857475646692010-10-19T18:50:00.000-07:002010-10-20T12:30:53.249-07:00Banks Hired Zombies to Rubber Stamp Foreclosures<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://images.businessweek.com/mz/05/02/0502watch/images/jamie_dimon.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="256" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You think I give a fuck about some fucking recession? Fuck you. We hire zombies to sign off on foreclosures, and we're gonna keep on hiring zombies to sign off on foreclosures, asshole." -Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan-Chase, picture courtesy of BusinessWeek</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.businessweek.com/mz/05/02/0502watch/images/jamie_dimon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div><br />
<br />
According to depositions in a lawsuit against some of Wall Street's biggest banks, the mortgage divisions of JPMorgan-Chase and Bank of America hired effectively non-sentient zombies to sift threw and rubber-stamp foreclosures without any previous experience.<br />
<br />
In these depositions, zombies testified that they had no knowledge of real estate, and many could not even define terms as basic as "mortgage" and "foreclosure."<br />
<br />
"What do you expect?" asked Kim, a zombie who has withheld her real name due to fear of reprisal. "We're zombies. You think I know what a foreclosure is? They told me, 'Kim, you can make more money doing this than your old job as a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/13/meet-banks-robosigners-fo_n_761698.html">hairdresser</a>,' and, honestly, more money means more brains, and I gotta go where the brains are."<br />
<br />
Zombies are often barely self-aware and have no interest in anything other than eating live human flesh, specifically brains. The assumption of those filing the suit is that zombies were hired specifically due to their deference to authority and inability to think for themselves.<br />
<br />
"MMMMMMMM... WANT... FLESH..." reads the answer to the question "how would you determine whether or not a foreclosure can legally take place" from one deposition of a former "foreclosure expert." Others depositions only contain moans, written out phonetically.<br />
<br />
"None of this is true. This is just people who want our money," said Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase. "These people are so fucking stupid, who the fuck would listen to these fucking poor people? I'm worth like twenty million of these fucking people. What do I care? Christ- <i>we hired zombies</i>- so what? It's not like hiring zombies is illegal."<br />
<br />
He added: "Besides, some of these zombies were foreclosure experts before they died, anyway."Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1047831599800438405.post-27595700769506400232010-10-18T22:30:00.000-07:002010-10-21T22:33:31.892-07:00Five Reasons to Abstain From Leaving Your House<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTyPnmZFTypsMSsxJf_Xcu8aSVZnU8ldw3EDx-dPDeRoE8vYs4&t=1&usg=__UYutS6d0fRrG5CMq-o91ztKFgXo=" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One cool way to express that you want to abstain from leaving the house is by wearing a ring engraved with scripture. Photo courtesy of telegraph.co.uk</td></tr>
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Leaving your house and going into the street is an incredibly important and difficult life decision to make. For most men and women, it can be an incredibly emotional experience. Going out of your house can lead to unwanted or unexpected complications, and that's why many people say that it's better to just stay inside until you get married.<br />
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Here are six reasons that you should wait to leave your house until you get married:<br />
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1.<b> Don't let yourself get pressured</b>. A lot of people on "MTV" make it <i>look</i> like all teens are leaving the house, and that <i>everyone</i> leaves the house before marriage, but this simply isn't true. The truth is that most teens decide to abstain from leaving the house. If you decide to abstain from leaving the house, your partner may try to "convince" you that leaving the house before marriage is a good idea. This is rape. If your partner asks you, simply say that you have decided to abstain from leaving the house for private reasons that are important to you (or just point your friend to SPLATITUDES.BLOGSPOT.COM... "That's called <i>breaking</i>" -Liz Lemon). If they continue to manipulate you into believing that leaving the house before marriage a "viable" option, call the police.<br />
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2. <b>You could get run over by a car</b>. Cars are fast, and sometimes they do not stop. Just one beer or one shot of liquor will impair most drivers' abilities to the point of turning their vehicles into giant, evil death machines. More pedestrians die from car accidents than any other cause <i>combined</i>. Would you like to become the blood-spattered intestines on someone's grill? The only way to truly keep yourself safe from this gory end is by never leaving the house before being married.<br />
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3. <b>Marriage is a beautiful act between a man and a woman</b>. Marriage is a religious sacrament between a man and woman based on love, compassion, faith, and chastity. As a truly committed relationship in GOD's eyes, it offers such benefits as children, who cannot be raised outside of a family without a legitimate marriage, companionship for all eternity, emotional stability and endless happiness. Also, wouldn't it be nice to know that the person you're leaving the house with isn't with you simply to convince you to leave the house?<br />
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4. <b>Serial killers</b>. Serial killers are murderers who wander around outside looking for human prey in gruesome fashion. They can kill up to 500 people before they are caught, and are a real threat to those who leave the house. Some serial killers eat people, some give them forcible overdoses of morphine, and others try to turn their victims into zombies by pouring acid into their heads; <i>all </i>serial killers lurk around outside of your house. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may tell you that they aren't secretly a serial killer, but there is no way to know for sure if they are telling the truth.<br />
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5. <b>Axe murderers</b>. Axe murderers are <i>even worse</i> than serial killers, because they kill <i>without impunity</i>. A number of axe murderers have been known to hang out outside with hatchets that drip blood onto the pavement. Many in the "lamestream media" say that axe murderers aren't a real threat, what with today's police force, but this simply isn't true. Axe murderers are a <i>real threat</i> to those unmarried men and women who decide to leave their homes, and have been seen on street corners near puddles of blood and dead bodies.<br />
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6. <b>Who knows what GOD might do? </b>Levitus 10:6 says "And Moses said to Aaron and to his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, ‘Do not dishevel your hair, and do not tear your vestments, or you will die and wrath will strike all the congregation; but your kindred, the whole house of Israel, may mourn the burning that the <span class="sc">Lord</span> has sent." In layman's terms, GOD set two guys on fire for <i>lighting a fire in tribute to him.</i> The Lord works in mysterious ways, and we have yet to see how he feels about someone leaving the house before marriage in the modern world. Perhaps 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina were caused in part by those who decided that it was a smart idea to leave their houses before marriage? It is said that many who decide to leave the house before marriage become <a href="http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Reasons-To-Choose-Abstinence&id=455036">empty shells of their former selves after leaving</a>, but it's <i>your </i>decision, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Make the right one.Callumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02716253240131755041noreply@blogger.com0