Top Ten Rainy Day Ideas Involving Cadavers

Photo courtesy of the U.S. military, Abu Ghraib Prison (C. #7)

Dreary weather got you down? Trying to figure out something to do with the corpse you've got in the freezer to stave off decomposition? We've compiled a list of ten great rainy day arts + crafts projects for you and your family! (...If you're name is Leatherface and you live with a bunch of rednecks). Also, if the body actually is in the freezer, certain activities may require you to thaw it out first.

10. Play dress-up: Get out that old Mary Kay cosmetics bag you've got lying around and put a little life in those dead cheeks! If you've got some four-inch pumps or an old sexy-librarian halloween costume you could even make your dead pal into a dead hooker.

9. Make a bird-house: Bones make for great building supplies (stronger and more durable than wood), and hair is just the kind of soft padding that baby birds need to sleep on and grow up healthy.

8. Write a letter in blood: Nowadays you don't even need your own blood to get that elusive point across.  Just dab your quill in your cadaver's blood and write away! You don't even need calligraphy lessons, just about anything written in blood tends to command one's attention.

7. Re-enact photos from Abu Ghraib: The ones with living detainees may have gotten all the press, but that doesn't mean you can't prop your own corpse up against a wall and put a bag on its head! Also, corpses make even better dog-food than live prisoners. Re-enactment is both fun and a great way to respect military history.

6. Make a stew: Check out this delicious recipe; the bodies don't have to be those of Hansel and Gretel, although nosy children are preferable.

5. Pin the nose on the cadaver: You need a blind-fold, Scotch(TM) Double Sided Adhesive(R) and a couple of pals for this one. Remove the nose from the body, stick some Scotch(TM) Double Sided Adhesive(R) to the backside of it, and let the fun begin! The rules are the same as "Pin the Tail on the Donkey."

4. Pull some silly pranks: Just imagine the laughs you and your buddies will have when the hitchhiker you picked up realizes that the guy sitting next to him is not actually alive. Or when that drunk guy who stayed over at your place realizes he's lying next to a dead body. Or when your professor realizes that the kid with his hand raised is, in fact- well, you get the idea.

3. Make a necklace out of teeth: You'll need some pliers for this one, and a high-powered drill. Drill holes in the teeth so that you can fit a string through them, and voila! Impress all of your friends with the latest fashion.

2. Eyeball marbles: This one's pretty self-explanatory, but you'll have to get a handful of cadavers to really make it work. Draw a circle on the ground in chalk and place thirteen of the eye-balls in an X in the center... I'm sure you've played marbles before, so I won't bore you with the details.

1. Sew yourself a coat: Have you ever seen Silence of the Lambs? We got this one from Buffalo Bill, although we're pretty sure that he got it from the Aztecs. Just skin the cadaver, sew wherever necessary and you've got a beautiful new over-garment that'll protect you from the rain.

Top Ten Ways to Hide the Scent of Decomposition

Rage get the best of you when the landlord dropped by for back rent? Forgot about your pet guinea pig when you went away on vacation? Well, boy do we have the countdown for you…

10. Potpourri: Gentle. Dry. Naturally fragrant. Easy on the eyes and nose, what it lacks in potency it more than makes up for in silly spelling.

9. Roses: Who doesn’t love roses? Used since the fourteenth century to mask the scent of decaying human corpses, roses are beautiful and have a distinct smell.

8. Vera Wang Princess(TM) Perfume: Yes, it’s expensive, but if you want the decomposed flesh in your home to smell like a Super Sweet Sixteen, it’s going to cost you. And boy is it worth it. “The perfect blend of florals and fruits,” one reviewer on macys.com says.

7. Scent-Lok(TM) Hunting Gear: While these products are designed to mask the scent of living human beings, they do the trick in a pinch if you have a little bit of foresight. Take the offending body and, before decay sets in, put it in one of Scent-Lok(TM)’s patented charcoal technology jackets. As opposed to most other methods, which mask scent using other scent, Scent-Lok(TM) will trap the scent inside, where it can’t get out.

6. Incense: Incense has been used since Ancient Egypt to mask the awful odors around the home and in the catacombs. Made from aromatic biotic materials, incense is a great, all-natural way to hide those all-too-natural aromas that arise when a body is left out for too long. People might think you smoke pot, but that’s better than people thinking you’re a murderer!

5. Glade Plug Ins(TM): While traditional scented candles can do the trick in a pinch, Glade Plug Ins(TM) feature adjustability for just the right amount of scent. According to Glade’s website, a Plug In(TM) will “eliminate even the toughest pet, cooking and bathroom odors.” We would like to add the odor of rotting flesh to that list.

4. Garlic: An incredibly strong natural aroma (some would say stench, but who are we to judge) used to ward off vampires in simpler times. Simply cut into the clove and walk around the room; with any luck, the scent of decay will disappear within minutes.

3. Arm & Hammer(TM) Baking Soda: Pour a full box of Arm & Hammer(TM) baking soda into a bowl, and leave it out near the body; within hours the natural absorbency of the baking soda will suck in and trap the stink emanating from the body. For extra absorbency, place another full bowl of Heinz(TM) vinegar next to the bowl of baking soda. Vinegar also absorbs scents, and double the absorbency means half the stench!

2. Ammonia: Nothing masks a scent like ammonia. We mean nothing. People with no sense of smell can feel it burning in their nostrils. In fact, the only reason that ammonia isn’t #1 on our list is that the scent of ammonia is so strong that it could clue a passerby in on the fact that something in your home is amiss, and you might wind up with two bodies to mask the scent of.

1. Lime: What else could it be? It’s been used in The Godfather, on television’s Monk, in Pulp Fiction, and in countless other television shows and films to scrub away a sticky situation and leave it smelling like a tropical wonderland. Whether you wish to go the old fashioned way and squeeze the stuff out with a juicer or use an industrial lime-based cleaner like Lime Away(TM), there is no substitute for lime when you have something to hide.