Banks Hired Zombies to Rubber Stamp Foreclosures

"You think I give a fuck about some fucking recession? Fuck you. We hire zombies to sign off on foreclosures, and we're gonna keep on hiring zombies to sign off on foreclosures, asshole." -Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan-Chase, picture courtesy of BusinessWeek

According to depositions in a lawsuit against some of Wall Street's biggest banks, the mortgage divisions of JPMorgan-Chase and Bank of America hired effectively non-sentient zombies to sift threw and rubber-stamp foreclosures without any previous experience.

In these depositions,  zombies testified that they had no knowledge of real estate, and many could not even define terms as basic as "mortgage" and "foreclosure."

"What do you expect?" asked Kim, a zombie who has withheld her real name due to fear of reprisal. "We're zombies. You think I know what a foreclosure is? They told me, 'Kim, you can make more money doing this than your old job as a hairdresser,' and, honestly, more money means more brains, and I gotta go where the brains are."

Zombies are often barely self-aware and have no interest in anything other than eating live human flesh, specifically brains. The assumption of those filing the suit is that zombies were hired specifically due to their deference to authority and inability to think for themselves.

"MMMMMMMM... WANT... FLESH..." reads the answer to the question "how would you determine whether or not a foreclosure can legally take place" from one deposition of a former "foreclosure expert." Others depositions only contain moans, written out phonetically.

"None of this is true. This is just people who want our money," said Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase. "These people are so fucking stupid, who the fuck would listen to these fucking poor people? I'm worth like twenty million of these fucking people. What do I care? Christ- we hired zombies- so what? It's not like hiring zombies is illegal."

He added: "Besides, some of these zombies were foreclosure experts before they died, anyway."

Informational Sheet for Vampire Canvassers

Vampires canvassing courtesy of nydailynews.com

The rap is the most important part of canvassing. It hooks new members. Remember, vampires who stop to talk to you are self-selective, and already have an interest in the issue of clean blood.

Hi there! Do you have a quick second for our drinking supply? I’m with Bloodsuckers for Sustainability, and I’m out here today signing up members, so I’m really glad you could stop and talk to me (hand them your binder.)

Massachusetts has some of the best blood in the country, and one of the main reasons for this is that we protected 50,000 human blood-slaves at the Quabin Bloodbank.

Recently, however, the state has allowed an AIDS infected monster to run free in the Quabin. Bloodsuckers for Sustainability is working to convince governor Splatrick to declare the Quabin off-limits for AIDS infected monsters. We can only do this by showing that we have the support of vampires from all over Massachusetts, and that’s why I’m out here today!

The best way that you can help out right now is by becoming a member of Bloodsuckers for Sustainability. Our members make monthly contributions, either in the form of an arm or a leg. This really is the best way for you to give, because it gives us the sort of grassroots support that we need in order to protect our blood. Signing up is really easy, and you can do so right here.

Some Questions You Might Be Asked:

Some vampires might ask you questions after hearing the rap. Here is a rundown of some of the most commonly asked questions along with helpful tips on how to answer them in such a way as to solicit contributions. Remember, people who stop ALREADY AGREE WITH OUR PRINCIPLES, so it should be easy to get them to contribute.

Q: I really want to help, but I don’t have any limbs to give at the moment.

A: We’re really just asking people to be as generous as possible. Sixty percent of our blood supply is currently open to AIDS infected monsters, and we really have an opportunity here to make some headway on this issue. Even if you could donate a finger or two it would be incredibly helpful to our cause.

Q: I see you guys have a website! Can I donate online?

A: Yes, you can, but in order to show the governor that we have the grassroots support of bloodsuckers all across Massachusetts, it helps to be able to say that we got a number of donations on the street.

Q: I’d like to contribute, but I’d really like to do some research first. Can you tell me where my limbs are going?

A: It goes towards education, advocacy and outreach. (If they bother you again, with a question like “aren’t education and outreach the same thing?” or “can I help out without giving you an appendage?”:) We have a really good chance to make a difference here, what with the gubernatorial election coming up, and it would help a huge amount if you could give a one time contribution of an arm and a leg. (If they really bother you, you can tell them that 15% of our contributions go to administrative costs, but ONLY if they REALLY, REALLY bother you REPEATEDLY.)

Q: Uh, aren’t we all already dead? Why the fuck would it matter if the blood we drank had AIDS?

A: (Use some kind of focusing question, examples include:) Are you with us on this issue? Do you enjoy the taste of AIDS infected blood?