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| "You think I give a fuck about some fucking recession? Fuck you. We hire zombies to sign off on foreclosures, and we're gonna keep on hiring zombies to sign off on foreclosures, asshole." -Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan-Chase, picture courtesy of BusinessWeek |
According to depositions in a lawsuit against some of Wall Street's biggest banks, the mortgage divisions of JPMorgan-Chase and Bank of America hired effectively non-sentient zombies to sift threw and rubber-stamp foreclosures without any previous experience.
In these depositions, zombies testified that they had no knowledge of real estate, and many could not even define terms as basic as "mortgage" and "foreclosure."
"What do you expect?" asked Kim, a zombie who has withheld her real name due to fear of reprisal. "We're zombies. You think I know what a foreclosure is? They told me, 'Kim, you can make more money doing this than your old job as a hairdresser,' and, honestly, more money means more brains, and I gotta go where the brains are."
Zombies are often barely self-aware and have no interest in anything other than eating live human flesh, specifically brains. The assumption of those filing the suit is that zombies were hired specifically due to their deference to authority and inability to think for themselves.
"MMMMMMMM... WANT... FLESH..." reads the answer to the question "how would you determine whether or not a foreclosure can legally take place" from one deposition of a former "foreclosure expert." Others depositions only contain moans, written out phonetically.
"None of this is true. This is just people who want our money," said Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase. "These people are so fucking stupid, who the fuck would listen to these fucking poor people? I'm worth like twenty million of these fucking people. What do I care? Christ- we hired zombies- so what? It's not like hiring zombies is illegal."
He added: "Besides, some of these zombies were foreclosure experts before they died, anyway."
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