REPORT: Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange Actually Axe-Wielding Swamp Monster

John F. Burns, NYTimes "reporter" whose pulitzer prize winning account of the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia involved interviews with a Serbian murderer who, as it happens, didn't kill at least two people who he said he had after having the shit beaten out of him by guards at the prison where Burns interviewed him. Also, those guards were there when Burns interviewed him. Also, Burns failed to mention this in his pulitzer-winning account. What does this have to do with Julian Assange? READ ON...

According to at least one disgruntled Wikileaks employee, Wikileaks' founder and main spokesman, Julian Assange, is not what he seems. "That guy from the interviews or whatever," explained the former employee, on condition of anonymity, "that's not actually Julian. That's just some guy who the real Julian Assange hires to play him on tv. The real Julian isn't even Australian."

Upon further questioning the former employee finally told us that Julian Assange is, in fact, "made out of mud- and human excrement" and "came from a swamp somewhere, although [the employee is] not sure where exactly." The former employee added: "oh yeah, and he has this big axe that he chops people's heads off with, and it's really scary, so you shouldn't listen to anything he says."

"This is preposterous," said Assange's human body-double, "do I look like some kind of axe-wielding swamp monster? Crikey."

"I don't really think that you can trust a man- excuse me, an evil deity of the swamp- who would release documents that could clearly lead to the deaths of at least five bazillion members of our armed forces, and even more Iraqis," explained John F. Burns, a reporter for the New York Times. "And now we find out that the guy's actually an axe-wielding madman and not an adorable Australian hacker? Like we can honestly believe anything that these documents say now."

Mr. Assange's organization, Wikileaks, was responsible for the leak of 400,000 secret U.S. Military documents, all of which harm our national security interest. When we asked Mr. Assange's lying human stand-in to weigh in on the issue of the real Mr. Assange's true identity, he said that "it is ridiculous that you would focus on my personal life when you have just been given access to documents that clearly state that THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS COMMITTED WAR CRIMES IN IRAQ BOTH THROUGH ITS ACTIVE WANTON MURDER OF IRAQI CIVILIANS (SIXTY SIX THOUSAND OF THEM ACCORDING TO THE OFFICIAL TALLY- that's right, the tally that they denied the existence of up until now) AND ITS PASSIVE ALLOWANCE OF BRUTAL TORTURE BY COALITION-GUIDED IRAQI FORCES."

He added: "But yeah, I'm an axe-wielding swamp monster. John F. Burns can go fuck himself, and maybe while he's at it he can own up to the fact that his pulitzer prize for Bosnia was bullshit, and the statements he received from Borislav Herak were the result of torture. Oh right, and resign his post at The Times in shame."

Five Reasons to Abstain From Leaving Your House

One cool way to express that you want to abstain from leaving the house is by wearing a ring engraved with scripture. Photo courtesy of telegraph.co.uk

Leaving your house and going into the street is an incredibly important and difficult life decision to make. For most men and women, it can be an incredibly emotional experience. Going out of your house can lead to unwanted or unexpected complications, and that's why many people say that it's better to just stay inside until you get married.

Here are six reasons that you should wait to leave your house until you get married:

1. Don't let yourself get pressured. A lot of people on "MTV" make it look like all teens are leaving the house, and that everyone leaves the house before marriage, but this simply isn't true. The truth is that most teens decide to abstain from leaving the house. If you decide to abstain from leaving the house, your partner may try to "convince" you that leaving the house before marriage is a good idea. This is rape. If your partner asks you, simply say that you have decided to abstain from leaving the house for private reasons that are important to you (or just point your friend to SPLATITUDES.BLOGSPOT.COM... "That's called breaking" -Liz Lemon). If they continue to manipulate you into believing that leaving the house before marriage a "viable" option, call the police.

2. You could get run over by a car. Cars are fast, and sometimes they do not stop. Just one beer or one shot of liquor will impair most drivers' abilities to the point of turning their vehicles into giant, evil death machines. More pedestrians die from car accidents than any other cause combined. Would you like to become the blood-spattered intestines on someone's grill? The only way to truly keep yourself safe from this gory end is by never leaving the house before being married.

3. Marriage is a beautiful act between a man and a woman. Marriage is a religious sacrament between a man and woman based on love, compassion, faith, and chastity. As a truly committed relationship in GOD's eyes, it offers such benefits as children, who cannot be raised outside of a family without a legitimate marriage, companionship for all eternity, emotional stability and endless happiness. Also, wouldn't it be nice to know that the person you're leaving the house with isn't with you simply to convince you to leave the house?

4. Serial killers. Serial killers are murderers who wander around outside looking for human prey in gruesome fashion. They can kill up to 500 people before they are caught, and are a real threat to those who leave the house. Some serial killers eat people, some give them forcible overdoses of morphine, and others try to turn their victims into zombies by pouring acid into their heads; all serial killers lurk around outside of your house. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may tell you that they aren't secretly a serial killer, but there is no way to know for sure if they are telling the truth.

5. Axe murderers. Axe murderers are even worse than serial killers, because they kill without impunity. A number of axe murderers have been known to hang out outside with hatchets that drip blood onto the pavement. Many in the "lamestream media" say that axe murderers aren't a real threat, what with today's police force, but this simply isn't true. Axe murderers are a real threat to those unmarried men and women who decide to leave their homes, and have been seen on street corners near puddles of blood and dead bodies.

6. Who knows what GOD might do? Levitus 10:6 says "And Moses said to Aaron and to his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, ‘Do not dishevel your hair, and do not tear your vestments, or you will die and wrath will strike all the congregation; but your kindred, the whole house of Israel, may mourn the burning that the Lord has sent." In layman's terms, GOD set two guys on fire for lighting a fire in tribute to him. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and we have yet to see how he feels about someone leaving the house before marriage in the modern world. Perhaps 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina were caused in part by those who decided that it was a smart idea to leave their houses before marriage? It is said that many who decide to leave the house before marriage become empty shells of their former selves after leaving, but it's your decision, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Make the right one.