REPORT: Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange Actually Axe-Wielding Swamp Monster

John F. Burns, NYTimes "reporter" whose pulitzer prize winning account of the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia involved interviews with a Serbian murderer who, as it happens, didn't kill at least two people who he said he had after having the shit beaten out of him by guards at the prison where Burns interviewed him. Also, those guards were there when Burns interviewed him. Also, Burns failed to mention this in his pulitzer-winning account. What does this have to do with Julian Assange? READ ON...

According to at least one disgruntled Wikileaks employee, Wikileaks' founder and main spokesman, Julian Assange, is not what he seems. "That guy from the interviews or whatever," explained the former employee, on condition of anonymity, "that's not actually Julian. That's just some guy who the real Julian Assange hires to play him on tv. The real Julian isn't even Australian."

Upon further questioning the former employee finally told us that Julian Assange is, in fact, "made out of mud- and human excrement" and "came from a swamp somewhere, although [the employee is] not sure where exactly." The former employee added: "oh yeah, and he has this big axe that he chops people's heads off with, and it's really scary, so you shouldn't listen to anything he says."

"This is preposterous," said Assange's human body-double, "do I look like some kind of axe-wielding swamp monster? Crikey."

"I don't really think that you can trust a man- excuse me, an evil deity of the swamp- who would release documents that could clearly lead to the deaths of at least five bazillion members of our armed forces, and even more Iraqis," explained John F. Burns, a reporter for the New York Times. "And now we find out that the guy's actually an axe-wielding madman and not an adorable Australian hacker? Like we can honestly believe anything that these documents say now."

Mr. Assange's organization, Wikileaks, was responsible for the leak of 400,000 secret U.S. Military documents, all of which harm our national security interest. When we asked Mr. Assange's lying human stand-in to weigh in on the issue of the real Mr. Assange's true identity, he said that "it is ridiculous that you would focus on my personal life when you have just been given access to documents that clearly state that THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAS COMMITTED WAR CRIMES IN IRAQ BOTH THROUGH ITS ACTIVE WANTON MURDER OF IRAQI CIVILIANS (SIXTY SIX THOUSAND OF THEM ACCORDING TO THE OFFICIAL TALLY- that's right, the tally that they denied the existence of up until now) AND ITS PASSIVE ALLOWANCE OF BRUTAL TORTURE BY COALITION-GUIDED IRAQI FORCES."

He added: "But yeah, I'm an axe-wielding swamp monster. John F. Burns can go fuck himself, and maybe while he's at it he can own up to the fact that his pulitzer prize for Bosnia was bullshit, and the statements he received from Borislav Herak were the result of torture. Oh right, and resign his post at The Times in shame."