Five Reasons to Abstain From Leaving Your House

One cool way to express that you want to abstain from leaving the house is by wearing a ring engraved with scripture. Photo courtesy of telegraph.co.uk

Leaving your house and going into the street is an incredibly important and difficult life decision to make. For most men and women, it can be an incredibly emotional experience. Going out of your house can lead to unwanted or unexpected complications, and that's why many people say that it's better to just stay inside until you get married.

Here are six reasons that you should wait to leave your house until you get married:

1. Don't let yourself get pressured. A lot of people on "MTV" make it look like all teens are leaving the house, and that everyone leaves the house before marriage, but this simply isn't true. The truth is that most teens decide to abstain from leaving the house. If you decide to abstain from leaving the house, your partner may try to "convince" you that leaving the house before marriage is a good idea. This is rape. If your partner asks you, simply say that you have decided to abstain from leaving the house for private reasons that are important to you (or just point your friend to SPLATITUDES.BLOGSPOT.COM... "That's called breaking" -Liz Lemon). If they continue to manipulate you into believing that leaving the house before marriage a "viable" option, call the police.

2. You could get run over by a car. Cars are fast, and sometimes they do not stop. Just one beer or one shot of liquor will impair most drivers' abilities to the point of turning their vehicles into giant, evil death machines. More pedestrians die from car accidents than any other cause combined. Would you like to become the blood-spattered intestines on someone's grill? The only way to truly keep yourself safe from this gory end is by never leaving the house before being married.

3. Marriage is a beautiful act between a man and a woman. Marriage is a religious sacrament between a man and woman based on love, compassion, faith, and chastity. As a truly committed relationship in GOD's eyes, it offers such benefits as children, who cannot be raised outside of a family without a legitimate marriage, companionship for all eternity, emotional stability and endless happiness. Also, wouldn't it be nice to know that the person you're leaving the house with isn't with you simply to convince you to leave the house?

4. Serial killers. Serial killers are murderers who wander around outside looking for human prey in gruesome fashion. They can kill up to 500 people before they are caught, and are a real threat to those who leave the house. Some serial killers eat people, some give them forcible overdoses of morphine, and others try to turn their victims into zombies by pouring acid into their heads; all serial killers lurk around outside of your house. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may tell you that they aren't secretly a serial killer, but there is no way to know for sure if they are telling the truth.

5. Axe murderers. Axe murderers are even worse than serial killers, because they kill without impunity. A number of axe murderers have been known to hang out outside with hatchets that drip blood onto the pavement. Many in the "lamestream media" say that axe murderers aren't a real threat, what with today's police force, but this simply isn't true. Axe murderers are a real threat to those unmarried men and women who decide to leave their homes, and have been seen on street corners near puddles of blood and dead bodies.

6. Who knows what GOD might do? Levitus 10:6 says "And Moses said to Aaron and to his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, ‘Do not dishevel your hair, and do not tear your vestments, or you will die and wrath will strike all the congregation; but your kindred, the whole house of Israel, may mourn the burning that the Lord has sent." In layman's terms, GOD set two guys on fire for lighting a fire in tribute to him. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and we have yet to see how he feels about someone leaving the house before marriage in the modern world. Perhaps 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina were caused in part by those who decided that it was a smart idea to leave their houses before marriage? It is said that many who decide to leave the house before marriage become empty shells of their former selves after leaving, but it's your decision, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Make the right one.

Every Night is Ladies' Night at Ted Bundy's

Hey ladies! Want to hear about the hottest spot in town? A place where you can get free drinks any night of the week*?

Come to Ted Bundy's house! We offer the best music, the best drinks, and the hottest guys. And our bartender, Theodore Robert Cowell, always has something on tap that will bludgeon you with the kind of taste rarely seen in Holladay, Utah.

Owned by Officer Roseland, a real police detective, Ted Bundy's has been open for business since 1974, startling hip young people (especially hip young women) with great drinks and an even better atmosphere.

Sick of the Mormon stigma against drinking (and necrophilia)? Need a night off from midterms?

Ted Bundy's.


*Drinks may be half-off on Tuesdays, at Ted's discretion

Daffy Dahmer

Jeffrey Dahmer’s New Stand-Up Show is Coming to Caroline’s!

Some Hilarious Excerpts:

(Points out attractive, vaguely ethnic looking young man in the audience) “Hey kid? You need a modeling agent?”

“What do you call the acid-filled vat with several corpses in it that you’ve got in the corner of your bedroom? Good feng-shui.”

“I got sentenced to fifteen life-terms in prison. Fifteen. What am I supposed to be, a fucking cat?”

“It turns out dead people don’t make very good zombies…”

“How about some prop comedy?” (pulls skull out of knapsack) “Alas, poor Yorick…”

“Irony, ftw… I used to cut people’s heads open and study their brains, right? I got beaten to death by a fellow inmate, okay, and what’s the first thing the authorities do? They cut my head open so they can study my brain!”

What do the critics have to say about Jeffrey Dahmer’s new stand-up act?

“A delightfully post-modern and hilariously raunchy confection of edgy pop humour”
-Michiko Kakutani

“The most awesomest example of awesomeness I think I’ve ever seen. Man, I knew I was good at writing blurbs, but I think I just out-did myself…”
-Pete Hammond

“Jeffrey Dahmer really knows how to pick material that works for him!”
-Interchangeable Downbeat Critic

“Don’t get me wrong, I like to think of myself as a horror film aficionado- I mean, ‘The Vanishing’ was pretty awesome- at least the American version, I couldn’t understand what they were saying in the other one- but like, Dahmer might be going a little too far. Granted, I spent most of the show texting famous people like Robert Pattison on my blackberry…”
-Ben Lyons

“Born of an analytical chemist in West Allis, Wisconsin, Dahmer’s entire life has been but a prelude to this remarkably mature and rewarding comedy show”
-Robert Christgau

Pitchfork Review of Vlado Taneski

Pitchfork Media courtesy of Pitchfork

0.0

Four words: epic serial killer fail. Vlado Taneski should have a ton of things going for him; the sort of back-story that the press usually loves (a serial killer who worked as a beat crime reporter? Come on, it doesn’t get any better than that), an interesting, off-the-beaten-path locale in the form of Macedonia, and even a similar organized profile to heavy hitters like Gacy and Bundy. Here at Pitchfork we don’t give out a 0.0 all that often, but Taneski’s asking for it. He was caught three years after he started, killed excessively boring people with the most banal means (who uses a phonecord?), and as if that wasn’t enough, he gave himself away in his own article about one of the murders. I mean, how can you do any worse than Vlado Taneski?

Seriously, the guy barely even qualifies as a serial killer. He only killed three people. Okay, four if you count Gorica Pavleska, whose disappearance he would have been questioned about if he hadn’t already removed his colossal banal stupidity from the gene pool. His last ditch attempt at playing the remorse-card was no less a bumbling failure than his three-year killing spree that claimed the lives of three people (that’s one murder for every three hundred and sixty five days, for anyone out there keeping count); the only people who can get away with doing the “I feel so bad I want to kill myself” thing are Dahmer, because he ate dead people and did weird things to their bodies (okay, fine, and he was actually beaten to death), and Shipman, who killed something like FIVE HUNDRED people.

And so Taneski gets the dreaded 0.0, the second or third worst possible rating after a o.o and that still image from the episode of South Park with the Dog Whisperer where Supernanny eats her own feces. Dear Vlado Taneski, we thought you would be cool because we’d never heard of you before, but it turns out that you suck. Love, Pitchfork.

Waltraud Wagner Interviews Dr. Harold Shipman

Dr. Harold Shipman, courtesy of biography.com

Waltraud Wagner: Today, we have Dr. Harold Shipman, affectionately known to the UK press as “Dr. Death,” a nickname given before by the American media to Jack Kevorkian, the assisted suicide maven, and Steve Williams, a professional wrestler. Personally, I believe that the name applies best to you, Dr. Shipman, as Kevorkian didn’t actually kill people himself and Williams had never completed an MD.
Harold Shipman: Well, thank you. Of all the possible Dr. Death’s from history, I most like being compared to Josef Mengele and Ayman al-Zawahiri. Oh, and of course “Doctor Death,” from the Batman comics.
WW: I’m unaware of that Doctor Death.
HS: Before your time. He never really caught on- he invented a lethal toxin by refining pollen extracts and accidentally killed his East Indian manservant, Jabah, in a lab explosion. Later on in the eighties he was reinvented as a paraplegic. Kind of an inept bloke, Doctor Death. Great beard though.
WW: Dr. Shipman, is it said you are the most prolific serial killer of all time.
HS: Now, I don’t know that I’d go that far.
WW: It says so on wikipedia…
HS: Yes, but I’m sure they don’t count people like Nuon Chea or Theoneste Bagasora on that list.
WW: That may be true, but do you really think that either of those people had personally killed five hundred or so people?
HS: Well- and look, I don’t mean to be overly modest- but that number is rubbish. They could only positively identify two hundred and eighteen of them.
WW: Still, two hundred and eighteen isn’t so shabby. I only killed forty nine people, and that was with three accomplices.
HS: Now, don’t sell yourself short- I heard that number was actually more like in the hundreds.
WW: blushing To be honest, I can’t remember, exactly. Pause. …Our readers are really curious- how would you suggest bringing your number up to the three digits?
HS: Hm. That’s a good question. A lot of these young blokes are quite flashy, and to be honest that’s a pretty terrible way to continue doing your thing without getting caught. At least over here in the civilized world it really helps to work in a hospital-
WW: Of course.
HS: You would know that, right, you’re a nurse. People die in hospitals all the time, so it’s incredibly easy to give them lethal doses of morphine or heroin-
WW: Or drown them.
HS: Yes, of course, or drown them. I mean, if you live in South America or Afghanistan or something then getting caught isn’t a major issue. Look at Columbia- these guys like La Bestia- Luis Gravato- or Lopez, “The Monster of the Andes-” they both killed upwards of three hundred people as gruesomely as possible without getting caught. I think they’re probably the “most prolific” or however it was you said it.
WW: Actually, from what I’ve heard the most prolific other than yourself is a countrywoman of yours, Amelia Dyer…
HS: Oh right, of course, Amelia. I was talking more about the modern era.
WW: One last thing- do you have any tips for not getting caught?
HS: I suppose just the thing I said about not being flashy. But also- and I can’t stress this enough- only kill poor people. That was my undoing. I killed rich women, and of course eventually I got caught. If I’d only killed poor people I would have been fine. Authorities don’t care when poor people die.
WW: Good advice. Well, thanks so much for coming down from the land of the dead to chat with us, Dr. Shipman.
HS: Thank you for having me, Ms. Wagner.
WW: Call me Waltraud.
HS: …Waltraud.

Gacy Giggles

Courtesy of "Costumes for Adults"

Gacy Giggles

Where’s the best place to buy a clown suit?
John Wayne Macy’s

What do you call a couple of plucky female detectives on the hunt for a serial killer?
John Wayne Lacy (and Cagney)

How would you describe a serial killer’s lack of melatonin?
“He’s John Wayne Pasty”

What brother of a famous actor is capable of killing children and Joaquin Pheonix’ career?
John Wayne Casey Affleck

What do you call a serial killer who needs to turn up the treble?
John Wayne Bass-y

A convicted child killer adds his ante to the pot before two cards are dealt to him face up. He then bets on whether or not the third card will fall between these two in numerical value. What is the name of the game?
John Wayne Gacy-Deucey

What do you call a bunch of puns involving a convicted child killer?
John Wayne Racy