Splatitudes 2.0

I would like to apologize to all of my loyal readers for missing out on the last few months of blogging. In the weeks following my incident, I thought long and hard about my life, and decided to get plastic surgery in order to take my life back and revamp/replace my missing eye, missing arm, missing fingers, and missing toes! After a long period of thought, a bout of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and a few months under the knife in Mexico, I think it looks great. Check it out:

Dr. Salazar created my new eye by molding latex. He says that it's the most state-of-the-art process that is performed in his field today. I love my new 'look'!

My new hand is also fashioned from the finest latex! While my new hand seems to have varicose veins- and a slit at the top- I think it's great that I can use all of my appendages again! My new fingers are actually made out of cadavers, go figure. I guess the best flesh for humans is human flesh!

I just feel great about myself. I'm still looking for a specialist to restore my toes to their former glory. I'll talk to y'all tomorrow, I'm gonna go try and get my girlfriend back!

Alternate Endings for James Bond Films

Timothy "H Bond" Dalton. GET IT, HE'S A WEAK BOND

Goldfinger

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
[Bond Dies]

Octopussy

Vijay: Is he still there?
Q: You must be joking! Double O Seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!
[cut to plane crash in Bahamas, close up of Roger Moore's dead eyes]

The Living Daylights

Bond and Kara Milovy have escaped their small holding cell. "You were fantastic. We're free," says Kara. Bond replies, "Kara, we're inside an airbase in the middle of Russian Afghanistan." One of the guards runs out, exclaims, "Timothy Dalton, you are the worst Bond ever!" and shoots him through the heart.

Licence to Kill

The camera opens up on Bond, stoic and emotionless, just staring into the camera, like it's not there, but somehow he's mugging for it anyway, and well... you get the idea. A crazed fan runs out and begins shouting at Bond, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE! NOBODY LIKES YOU! WHY WOULD YOU BE IN A SECOND MOVIE! FUCK YOU!"

Goldeneye

M: If you think for one moment I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong. [M motions at one of her bodyguards, who promptly shoots Bond through the head]

Casino Royale

Bond wakes up at Mathis' villa to the realization that his entire genital area is either gone or grossly disfigured after he was tortured by Le Chiffre. Having discovered that this new wheelchair-bound, neutered Bond is only half the man he used to be, Vesper Lynd leaves Bond for greener pastures and makes off with the Queen's money. Bond, distraught that he has been left by the one woman he has given his heart to, kills himself by chewing a piece of explosive gum he has been given by Q.

Quantum of Solace

[doesn't happen because Bond took his own life in Casino Royale]