Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tis the Season... FOR SPLATITUDES

Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's problem

I would like to apologize to both of you loyal readers for missing out on the month of November. What happened, might you ask? I turned twenty one, blacked out at a bar, woke up in the basement of a masked man with a chainsaw and escaped less one left arm, one right eye, two fingers on my right hand and a number of toes that I have not had the resilience to count yet. After that weekend, I spent two weeks crying and another week learning how to type with only two fingers. I am sorry if this information causes distress for some people, but I believe I owe to my readers to explain my situation.

And now, without further ado, the top ten things that suck about my life:

10. I am developing carpal tunnel in my two remaining fingers

9. I am no longer ambidextrous

8. While I was gone my roommate drank all of my Four Loco and NOW IT'S ILLEGAL WTF

7. I no longer have a hard time identifying with Daniel Day Lewis's character in "My Left Foot"

6. The man who maimed me will not be prosecuted due to pressure from the pro-chainsaw lobby

5. My depth perception is so skewed that objects in mirror are generally closer than... well, actually, I have no idea where the fuck they are

4. The assailant also cut my tongue off (guess I forgot to mention that one), and I am now no longer able to bring my girlfriend to orgasm

3. She left me for a lumberjack (OH THE CRUEL IRONY)

2. I haven't yet figured out how to masturbate using only my thumb, pinky and forefinger without hurting myself

1. I have to go back to school in the Spring

1 comment:

    I enjoyed this. Also, apology for absence is accepted!!