Splatitudes 2.0

I would like to apologize to all of my loyal readers for missing out on the last few months of blogging. In the weeks following my incident, I thought long and hard about my life, and decided to get plastic surgery in order to take my life back and revamp/replace my missing eye, missing arm, missing fingers, and missing toes! After a long period of thought, a bout of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and a few months under the knife in Mexico, I think it looks great. Check it out:

Dr. Salazar created my new eye by molding latex. He says that it's the most state-of-the-art process that is performed in his field today. I love my new 'look'!

My new hand is also fashioned from the finest latex! While my new hand seems to have varicose veins- and a slit at the top- I think it's great that I can use all of my appendages again! My new fingers are actually made out of cadavers, go figure. I guess the best flesh for humans is human flesh!

I just feel great about myself. I'm still looking for a specialist to restore my toes to their former glory. I'll talk to y'all tomorrow, I'm gonna go try and get my girlfriend back!

Tis the Season... FOR SPLATITUDES

Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's problem

I would like to apologize to both of you loyal readers for missing out on the month of November. What happened, might you ask? I turned twenty one, blacked out at a bar, woke up in the basement of a masked man with a chainsaw and escaped less one left arm, one right eye, two fingers on my right hand and a number of toes that I have not had the resilience to count yet. After that weekend, I spent two weeks crying and another week learning how to type with only two fingers. I am sorry if this information causes distress for some people, but I believe I owe to my readers to explain my situation.

And now, without further ado, the top ten things that suck about my life:

10. I am developing carpal tunnel in my two remaining fingers

9. I am no longer ambidextrous

8. While I was gone my roommate drank all of my Four Loco and NOW IT'S ILLEGAL WTF

7. I no longer have a hard time identifying with Daniel Day Lewis's character in "My Left Foot"

6. The man who maimed me will not be prosecuted due to pressure from the pro-chainsaw lobby

5. My depth perception is so skewed that objects in mirror are generally closer than... well, actually, I have no idea where the fuck they are

4. The assailant also cut my tongue off (guess I forgot to mention that one), and I am now no longer able to bring my girlfriend to orgasm

3. She left me for a lumberjack (OH THE CRUEL IRONY)

2. I haven't yet figured out how to masturbate using only my thumb, pinky and forefinger without hurting myself

1. I have to go back to school in the Spring