Santa Claus Assassinated in Drone Strike

Image of Santa Claus released by Interpol

For our earlier coverage of Drones, click here, here, and here.

NORTH POLE- The militant leader Santa Claus was killed in a drone strike last night on the border between this arctic outpost and neighbor Canada, according to security contractors who requested anonymity. The border, which has recently turned into a hot-spot for elven extremist terrorism, has become increasingly unstable since political unrest forced Canadian PM Stephen Harper to disband parliament.

"We can't just sit idly by as Santa's merry elves get their hands on a nuclear device," explained Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in an interview last Friday with ABC's Matt Lauer.

The threat of Santa and his elves building their own weapon is, however, highly unlikely as Santa's workshop, located at North Pole capital Santa'a, has recently been reduced to rubble by US cluster bombs.

Sources say that Santa's radicalization began about fifteen years ago when one of his elves showed him pictures of the 1996 shelling of the Qana, Lebanon refugee camp by Israeli soldiers. According to CIA officials, intelligence indicates that Santa was planning on crashing his sled into the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower in Chicago, in a plot reminiscent of 9/11.

According to recently leaked documents procured by the whistleblower website Wikileaks, leadership throughout the northern hemisphere that had seemed friendly to Santa Claus have in fact been asking the United States to intervene in the north pole on their behalf. "You need to bomb them to the ground. Santa Claus is an existential threat who must be stopped," said Finland's president Tarja Halonen.

Russian PM Vladimir Putin agreed in a separate cable, also calling him "an existential threat," but adding "if Russia wanted to, we could have him in Siberia tomorrow watching as his severed penis is fed to strong Russian dogs," and noting that "Santa Claus is weaker than f***ing Medvedev."

"Luckily, that won't be necessary," said a CIA official. "We got him the good, old-fashioned, legal way, away from anything so dangerous as a battlefield."

The real losers here, however, are the children of the world, who will not be receiving presents this year. "I can't believe they killed Santa," said one girl, in tears. "NOW I'LL NEVER GET MY HASBRO PRETTY POLLY DOLL! WAAAAHHHHH." One activist put it surprisingly succinctly: "Oh come on, we all know that Santa Claus isn't real- er, not a real threat."

New TSA Procedure

Gosh, that bald eagle makes me feel way better about some thirty year old on a power trip playing with my six year old son's balls

The primary goal of the TSA is to create a fun, safe environment for flying with minimal embarrassment for travelers. In fact, we've even allocated as much as five thousand tax-payer dollars towards training our officers to understand that passengers have boundaries. In addition, we've spoken with an American in a wheelchair to better suit the needs of the disabled.


The Process:

TSA has finally struck the perfect balance between security and comfort with our newest procedure. While you may be unfamiliar with these new procedures, we assure you that they have been created for your safety. Because terrorists have begun to swallow bombs in order that they may kill you, and the freedom you love, you may be subject to exploratory stomach surgery.

For Your Privacy and Comfort:

A trained TSA official will make an incision with a scalpel in your abdominal area and, wearing sterile gloves, feel around for prohibited material with the back of his/her hand. Don't worry, you will only be searched by a person of the same sex, and you may request that this search be done in private.

Baggage Screening:

Occasionally the exploratory surgery will warrant a closer look inside of your baggage. Our TSA officers have been trained to do this as discretely as possible, and most airports now have tables with side-walls in order to protect your privacy. We suggest that you think carefully about what you put in carry-on baggage, as most clothing will result in indefinite detention for the safety of the passengers around you.

Passengers with Disabilities:

Passengers with disabilities will be laughed at as discreetly as possible, especially if their disability necessitates some sort of urine-holding device. If you are one such passenger, you should be aware that having more than three ounces of urine in your body will result in jail time.

We suggest that you communicate with our trained officers about your condition, although your exploratory surgery will be subject to the same rigor as those of other passengers. People with pacemakers will also be subject to exploratory heart surgery, and those with bionic legs will be kept from planes as there is no way of knowing whether or not they are in fact robot terrorists from the future.

Republican Pundit Debates Democratic Pundit About Wikileaks

Artist's rendition of Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange, courtesy of metsfanfiction.blogspot.com

For our earlier investigative reporting Julian Assange, click here

Republican: Good afternoon, Democrat.

Democrat: Good afternoon, Republican.

Republican: So we've got a lot to talk about, what with news that Sweden has issued an arrest warrant for Julian Assange on charges of rape.

Democrat: I think we're really missing the point here, when we talk about these allegations. The real news is that the New York Times has obtained evidence that Julian Assange is actually a swamp monster. I mean, can we really trust information relayed to us by a swamp monster?

Republican: See- now, I know, we disagree on a lot [laughs]- but this is one thing we can agree on. I don't understand why people seem to care so much about these rape charges when in reality this Mr. Assange is some sort of axe-wielding swamp terrorist.

Democrat: Now hold on a second. I don't know that I would go that far. I mean, we don't even really have reliable intelligence that he has an axe, so I don't think we could call him a terrorist.

Republican: What about material support for terrorism? He's given aide to the terrorists! Don't you understand? That makes him a terrorist.

Democrat: Well, I mean, if we knew he had an axe... That would be material support for terrorism.

Republican: I think we're arguing over semantics here. I think we can both agree that Mr. Assange should be arrested.

Democrat: Oh, well, duh.

Republican: Luckily, though, we've got Julian Assange's body double here to talk with us via interweb vision technology. What do you have to say for yourself, asshole?

Australian Baritone with Brown Hair: Well, I just think that-

Democrat: I see you've got a new haircut.

ABBH: Look, these ridiculous charges that I'm some kind of Swamp-

Democrat: It really suits you, you know.

Republican: Really? You've got the representative of one of the world's most nefarious terrorist organizations on and you want to ask him about his haircut? I want this piece of shit to tell my why I shouldn't just shoot him and make the real Julian Assange come out of his swamp.

Democrat: We don't know for sure it's a swamp.

Republican: Maybe it's a cave... Maybe it's the same cave as Bin Laden!

Democrat: Well, we don't know that for sure.

ABBH: Uh, excuse me, there are actually important revelations in these documents. Secretary of State Clinton literally asked US Diplomats to spy on top UN-

Republican: WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK PAL!

Democrat: Yeah, I mean, that information is sorta, you know, classified.

Republican: You know, my magazine won't even publish information regarding that kind of sensitive material.

ABBH: You know, neither one of you is a real journalist.

Democrat: Hey! That's not fair. The newspaper I work for just buries all of the worthwhile information under tons of unreliable bullshit about Iran's nuclear program. I mean, just yesterday we did a piece about how The US pressured both Germany and Spain to refrain from investigating torture of innocent nationals from their countries. I mean, yeah, it was on A27, but that's not that bad, right?

Tis the Season... FOR SPLATITUDES

Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's problem

I would like to apologize to both of you loyal readers for missing out on the month of November. What happened, might you ask? I turned twenty one, blacked out at a bar, woke up in the basement of a masked man with a chainsaw and escaped less one left arm, one right eye, two fingers on my right hand and a number of toes that I have not had the resilience to count yet. After that weekend, I spent two weeks crying and another week learning how to type with only two fingers. I am sorry if this information causes distress for some people, but I believe I owe to my readers to explain my situation.

And now, without further ado, the top ten things that suck about my life:

10. I am developing carpal tunnel in my two remaining fingers

9. I am no longer ambidextrous

8. While I was gone my roommate drank all of my Four Loco and NOW IT'S ILLEGAL WTF

7. I no longer have a hard time identifying with Daniel Day Lewis's character in "My Left Foot"

6. The man who maimed me will not be prosecuted due to pressure from the pro-chainsaw lobby

5. My depth perception is so skewed that objects in mirror are generally closer than... well, actually, I have no idea where the fuck they are

4. The assailant also cut my tongue off (guess I forgot to mention that one), and I am now no longer able to bring my girlfriend to orgasm

3. She left me for a lumberjack (OH THE CRUEL IRONY)

2. I haven't yet figured out how to masturbate using only my thumb, pinky and forefinger without hurting myself

1. I have to go back to school in the Spring

Things You Can Do Now That You're Twenty-One

Congrats! You can now drown someone in Anheuser Busch products!

-Drink yourself to death

-Play half-shattered beer bottle tag

-Waterboard someone in single malt, aged scotch whiskey

-Assassinate a political figure by slipping something into his drink; yeah, that's right, the one you just ordered for him

-Buy a handgun- and/or a semi-auto- and, uh, defend yourself (oh shit, sorry, you could do that one at eighteen)

-Run someone over in a rented car (although the insurance is really high)

-Get kneecapped by someone in Vegas after cheating on the casino floor

-Become an MP in England


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BITCHES

Dragons Defeat Knights in Landslide Victory

Nancy Pelosi, knight of California's 8th district, will likely sacrifice herself to the dragons in shame after Tuesday's bloodbath in Haus.

The biggest news this attrition cycle was the utter and complete destruction of knights yesterday by fire-breathing dragons. Dragons have killed 60 knights in the larger battlefield of Haus while knights managed to hold them back- momentarily- in the smaller town of Sen-A'at, suffering casualties of 6. Knights did not manage to kill a single dragon.

Many kind hearted peasant-folk are blaming the knights for their incoherence, inability to work with one-another, inability to eke out a compromise with fire-breathing dragons, and allegiance to nothing but the King's money.

"You ask me, these knights are f***ing rubbish," said one such commoner, under the condition of anonymity. "They would sell the lot of us out to a f***ing alchemist if there was gold in it. And what about this f***ing healthcare reform? Their grand solution for healthcare is forcing us all to pay a tithing to fire-breathing dragons? Why the f*** can't they provide us healthcare?"

The knights did have their fans, however. "I really think that the knights made a valiant effort when they prevented the collapse of General Dragons by giving them a few billion dollars," explained another commoner. "Of course, I don't actually have any effect on this outcome, but I would much rather the knights win."

"My bloody home was taken away by a dragon working with a knight," said John of Merrymount, a serf on a small plot only a few miles away from the battlefields of Sen-A'at and Haus. "Really? These are our options? Dragons, who bathe our homes in fire, and knights, who are only interested in money and self-preservation?"

The dragons, lead by their speaker John Boehner, have as yet refused to explain what exactly their strategy is now that they have effectively conquered the realm of man. "Well, we haven't exactly decided yet, but you can expect some fire-breathing, maybe some turmoil, but really we're just waiting to see how the head knight f***s up," he said in a press conference on Wednesday morning.

"You can expect everything to shut down. And I swear to God, in six years we will roast Harry Reid on a spit," said Jim DeMint, a member of the dragon leadership who got himself into hot water recently after  suggesting that gay dragons were the equivalent of lowly humans, referring to Knight Harry Reid.

One thing was for sure, and that was that the reason the knights lost the battle of Haus was because the Knights had not kowtowed enough to the dragons. "Next time we'll make sure and get [the dragons] an even better tithing than we did with the Health Care Decree or the Bail-Out Decree or the FISA Decree," explained Steny Hoyer, who will likely be the new leader of the Knights following current leader Nancy Pelosi's inevitable ritual sacrifice. "We're sure to win as long as we give them Social Security, and let them continue to force people out of their homes with flames."

Historical Dead Baby Jokes

Babies from around the world!

What do you call 400 or more dead babies over the course of twenty years?
Amelia Dyer's handiwork

How would you describe Charles Lindburgh's baby?
Dead

What do you call 12% of North Korea's babies dead?
The Arduous March

Why did the North Korean baby cross the road in 1994?
To avoid dying of starvation

How many dead babies does it take to please a just and loving God?
One, named Isaac

What do you call a half a baby?
A fair compromise according to Solomon, duh

What did the Egyptian dude do upon experiencing the death of his first and only child?
Slapped his forehead and said, "Godamnit! Forgot the lamb's blood again!"