Government Issues Toxic Blob Warning

Artist's rendition of the toxic blob, courtesy of bloggerbeware.com

A "Toxic Blob" warning has been put in effect in the tri-county area. It is highly advised that some do not leave their homes, as they may be in danger of being swallowed whole by a massive red "Toxic Blob." Others are strongly advised to leave, as quickly as possible, as their homes themselves may be swallowed by the toxic blob.

It appears as though the toxic blob was created when byproducts from a local aluminum separation plant spilled from the plant's reservoir and mixed with nuclear waste from the power plant next door. Aluminum is isolated during a lengthy and painstaking process in which bauxite is separated into aluminum and ferruginous residue. Ferruginous residue- "red mud" in industry jargon- can easily turn into a ravenously hungry, massive toxic blob when mixed with radioactive material.

Reports do not suggest that the blob is self-aware, and it seems as though its only drive is to consume everything in its path, whether that be people, dogs, houses, small children, the Danube River, or an entire village. Tony Hayward, head of the aluminum manufacturing company responsible for the reservoir burst, was arrested by authorities early this morning.


...NOT! This is America, stupid, not Hungary or something.

‘Sponge-Man’ Incident Renders Drinking Water in Northeast Non-Potable

Due to recent events at the Indian Point Energy Center in Buchanan, New York, much of the water in the states of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Ohio and West Virginia, in addition to the western-most counties of Indiana and Michigan, has been rendered non-potable. In addition, lead scientist David Douglas, while performing a routine experiment involving heavy water and large amounts of radioactive substance, has taken on a porous consistency, and is now capable of soaking up amounts of water that would normally be deadly to humans. Experts say that his touch likely also radioactivizes the water supply.

Douglas, who has not been debriefed by authorities, has recently been seen near reservoirs in the Northeastern region of the country shouting “SPONGEMAN DESERVES HIS VENGEANCE” and “MWAHAHA I AM THE HUMAN SPONGE! COWER AT MY FEET!” While various experts suggest that his accident could have lead to mental deterioration in addition to sponge-like capabilities, no one can know for sure. Spectators have also suggested that he is capable of draining on-lookers of their fluids, leaving them high and dry, and dead.

While authorities are not sure exactly how much of the population’s drinking supply has been affected by the so-called ‘Sponge-Man’ incident, it is suggested that you check a glass of water using a proper Geiger counter before ingesting it.

Toyota Is Recalling New ‘Killer’ Corollas

murderous cruise control courtesy of yahoo.com

Toyota has issued a recall for the 2010 Corolla, explaining that a programming malfunction can turn the vehicle into a “torture chamber on wheels.” The Corolla’s cruise control, a function that normally automatically controls the speed of a moving vehicle, has been shown in some instances to develop sentient ability and wreak havoc on its owner by locking doors and releasing deadly amounts of carbon monoxide.

In models with certain safety upgrades, the Corolla’s cruise control has opened up a line to an OnStar representative and laughed a maniacal, digitized laugh using the car’s vocalizer.

Miriam Schlotznick, a survivor, described the event as “one of the scariest moments of her life,” although she has expressed concern over what she will do in the future without cruise control. “My new car is totally inconvenient,” she said. “How did people live without the ability to set speed?”

To return your vehicle, and claim a check from Toyota for doing so, call Toyota of America customer service at 1-800-331-4331.

BEWARE! Your Home Appliances May Kill You!

The modern kitchen is equipped with numerous devices in addition to the arcane forks and knives of our forebears. These devices can wash our dishes, our clothes, chop onions for us, even clean up after little Whiskers when he does his business. These electrical devices are called appliances, and if the necessary precautions are not taken they can easily become death-traps.

Never over-fill your washing machine with clothes. Never use more than the amount of detergent recommended on your machine without first consulting an expert. Never put cats, dogs, newborn babies, mice or possums you may catch in your garden, frogs, toddlers or other small children, human heads, livers, etc into your drier, unless you want them cooked until dry. Always remove the lint from your drier, even if you enjoy allowing it to build up into a little blue and red and purple swatch, as it could catch fire and burn your house down.

Never allow the microwave door to prop open while in the process of heating something; you may turn your kitchen into a miniature Chernobyl, complete with a family of three-eyed mutants with hands that look curiously melted together.

Do not remove the large contoured plastic walls of your blender to create a weaponized, fast-moving blade. Also, do not place anyone’s hand in a blender, as they will wind up horribly disfigured.

The modern coffeemaker is well-equipped for the needs of most coffee drinkers, and is often capable of making a large enough pot of coffee to scald 3-5 on-lookers. Do not scald 3-5 on-lookers with your fresh, boiling hot coffee. On a related note, do not sneak up behind a pal and press your conveniently sized espresso shot against the skin around his eye, as he will likely be permanently blinded.

As we can now see, the modern kitchen is a place capable of both wonder and unspeakable horror. By following the guidelines laid out here you will be able to prevent the worst from happening. And remember, your oven is NOT a practical substitute for a baby-sitter.