BEWARE! Your Home Appliances May Kill You!

The modern kitchen is equipped with numerous devices in addition to the arcane forks and knives of our forebears. These devices can wash our dishes, our clothes, chop onions for us, even clean up after little Whiskers when he does his business. These electrical devices are called appliances, and if the necessary precautions are not taken they can easily become death-traps.

Never over-fill your washing machine with clothes. Never use more than the amount of detergent recommended on your machine without first consulting an expert. Never put cats, dogs, newborn babies, mice or possums you may catch in your garden, frogs, toddlers or other small children, human heads, livers, etc into your drier, unless you want them cooked until dry. Always remove the lint from your drier, even if you enjoy allowing it to build up into a little blue and red and purple swatch, as it could catch fire and burn your house down.

Never allow the microwave door to prop open while in the process of heating something; you may turn your kitchen into a miniature Chernobyl, complete with a family of three-eyed mutants with hands that look curiously melted together.

Do not remove the large contoured plastic walls of your blender to create a weaponized, fast-moving blade. Also, do not place anyone’s hand in a blender, as they will wind up horribly disfigured.

The modern coffeemaker is well-equipped for the needs of most coffee drinkers, and is often capable of making a large enough pot of coffee to scald 3-5 on-lookers. Do not scald 3-5 on-lookers with your fresh, boiling hot coffee. On a related note, do not sneak up behind a pal and press your conveniently sized espresso shot against the skin around his eye, as he will likely be permanently blinded.

As we can now see, the modern kitchen is a place capable of both wonder and unspeakable horror. By following the guidelines laid out here you will be able to prevent the worst from happening. And remember, your oven is NOT a practical substitute for a baby-sitter.