‘Sponge-Man’ Incident Renders Drinking Water in Northeast Non-Potable

Due to recent events at the Indian Point Energy Center in Buchanan, New York, much of the water in the states of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Ohio and West Virginia, in addition to the western-most counties of Indiana and Michigan, has been rendered non-potable. In addition, lead scientist David Douglas, while performing a routine experiment involving heavy water and large amounts of radioactive substance, has taken on a porous consistency, and is now capable of soaking up amounts of water that would normally be deadly to humans. Experts say that his touch likely also radioactivizes the water supply.

Douglas, who has not been debriefed by authorities, has recently been seen near reservoirs in the Northeastern region of the country shouting “SPONGEMAN DESERVES HIS VENGEANCE” and “MWAHAHA I AM THE HUMAN SPONGE! COWER AT MY FEET!” While various experts suggest that his accident could have lead to mental deterioration in addition to sponge-like capabilities, no one can know for sure. Spectators have also suggested that he is capable of draining on-lookers of their fluids, leaving them high and dry, and dead.

While authorities are not sure exactly how much of the population’s drinking supply has been affected by the so-called ‘Sponge-Man’ incident, it is suggested that you check a glass of water using a proper Geiger counter before ingesting it.