Pitchfork Review of Vlado Taneski

Pitchfork Media courtesy of Pitchfork

0.0

Four words: epic serial killer fail. Vlado Taneski should have a ton of things going for him; the sort of back-story that the press usually loves (a serial killer who worked as a beat crime reporter? Come on, it doesn’t get any better than that), an interesting, off-the-beaten-path locale in the form of Macedonia, and even a similar organized profile to heavy hitters like Gacy and Bundy. Here at Pitchfork we don’t give out a 0.0 all that often, but Taneski’s asking for it. He was caught three years after he started, killed excessively boring people with the most banal means (who uses a phonecord?), and as if that wasn’t enough, he gave himself away in his own article about one of the murders. I mean, how can you do any worse than Vlado Taneski?

Seriously, the guy barely even qualifies as a serial killer. He only killed three people. Okay, four if you count Gorica Pavleska, whose disappearance he would have been questioned about if he hadn’t already removed his colossal banal stupidity from the gene pool. His last ditch attempt at playing the remorse-card was no less a bumbling failure than his three-year killing spree that claimed the lives of three people (that’s one murder for every three hundred and sixty five days, for anyone out there keeping count); the only people who can get away with doing the “I feel so bad I want to kill myself” thing are Dahmer, because he ate dead people and did weird things to their bodies (okay, fine, and he was actually beaten to death), and Shipman, who killed something like FIVE HUNDRED people.

And so Taneski gets the dreaded 0.0, the second or third worst possible rating after a o.o and that still image from the episode of South Park with the Dog Whisperer where Supernanny eats her own feces. Dear Vlado Taneski, we thought you would be cool because we’d never heard of you before, but it turns out that you suck. Love, Pitchfork.

‘Sponge-Man’ Incident Renders Drinking Water in Northeast Non-Potable

Due to recent events at the Indian Point Energy Center in Buchanan, New York, much of the water in the states of New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Ohio and West Virginia, in addition to the western-most counties of Indiana and Michigan, has been rendered non-potable. In addition, lead scientist David Douglas, while performing a routine experiment involving heavy water and large amounts of radioactive substance, has taken on a porous consistency, and is now capable of soaking up amounts of water that would normally be deadly to humans. Experts say that his touch likely also radioactivizes the water supply.

Douglas, who has not been debriefed by authorities, has recently been seen near reservoirs in the Northeastern region of the country shouting “SPONGEMAN DESERVES HIS VENGEANCE” and “MWAHAHA I AM THE HUMAN SPONGE! COWER AT MY FEET!” While various experts suggest that his accident could have lead to mental deterioration in addition to sponge-like capabilities, no one can know for sure. Spectators have also suggested that he is capable of draining on-lookers of their fluids, leaving them high and dry, and dead.

While authorities are not sure exactly how much of the population’s drinking supply has been affected by the so-called ‘Sponge-Man’ incident, it is suggested that you check a glass of water using a proper Geiger counter before ingesting it.

Sh*t My Maggot Infested Uncle Says

William Shatner will be starring in the television adaptation of Sh*t My Maggot Infested Uncle Says. Image courtesy of exposay.com

“Kid, you think you’ve got it bad? I can’t fucking move. I’m in a fucking coffin. Fuck you.”

“When I was young you had to work for a living. You didn’t just write shit and hope someone printed it. What did I get for working for a living? Mugged. And then shot.”

“I’ve got the worst groin-itch from these worms… Swear to God, worse than fucking crabs, these worms…”

“Over my dead body we have a black president. Hold on a sec…”

“When I got buried, they did it by hand, with a shovel. Nowadays with these bulldozers and shit, it’s so impersonal. It’s like getting fucked up the ass with a plastic dildo.”

“You lazy piece of shit. At least that guy who mugged me had to work for a living.”

“Last time I got flowers was a year ago. And they were petunias. Fucking petunias. Might as well piss in my mouth and call it an egg cream…”

“Shit sucks and then you die. Trust me, I’d know.”

Rules of Sawed-Off Shotgun Tag (from The Dangerous Book for Boys)

Sawed-off shotgun tag is great fun, and a lovely way to spend a warm summer afternoon. Plus, the rules are simple and easy to follow!

What you need:
Some pals
A sawed off shotgun

How you play:
The game starts whenever the player with the sawed-off shotgun starts shooting. Eventually, he will hit another player. The player who was hit is now “it,” and it is now his role to haunt the shotgun-wielding player throughout the rest of his life; at college graduation, at his wedding, at the birth of his first child, etc. If the player who was shot is still alive, he now takes the shotgun and attempts to shoot the other players. See? Easy as pie.

Variations:
Multiple shotguns: Multiple shotguns means multiple mayhem! Other rules remain unchanged.
Traditional shotgun tag: Don’t have a saw? Just pick up a pump-action Remington 870 or a semi-auto Remington 1100, and find some buckshot or a couple slugs laying around.
Blunderbuss tag: An arcane version of shotgun tag now mostly played by reenactment enthusiasts.
Sane person science tag: In this version there are no ghosts, and players who get shot simply bleed to death and are never heard from again. This version is probably the least fun.

Congress Pushes Law to Declare Copyright Infringement Punishable by Beheading

Joe McCarthy- shit, sorry, Patrick Leahy (D-VT) want to behead you for copyright infringement on behalf of the MPAA. Photo courtesy of The Vermont Independent

The congressional judiciary committee, acting in conjunction with the MPAA and RIAA, has introduced a new bill requiring a minimum death sentence for those who infringe on copyright. The bill (S. 3804), introduced by Senator Joe McCarthy (R-Wisconsin), will create two separate blacklists for copyright offenders and introduce sentencing guidelines for those who host illegal copyright material. The merits of the second blacklist, which is controversial due to its mandate for the decapitation of those who host websites that are “dedicated to infringing activity,” are being hotly debated online.

“I don’t understand why people are so up in arms about this,” explained Jack Valenti, former head of the MPAA, who we caught up with in his posh apartment in hell. “Seriously, the second list wouldn’t even require decapitation. Lethal injection, yeah- even the gas chamber, but it’s all stuff that we regularly do to people for murder.” This first blacklist, which will be created by the Department of Justice with help from the MPAA and RIAA, is less controversial, although it would not require judicial oversight. McCarthy chimed in: “Yeah, the really bad one- the decapitation- that’s only for the worst offenders. The court has to declare you guilty in order for you to get decapitated. Really, people are getting upset over nothing.”

The bill, entitled “The Combating Online Infringement and Counterfeiting Act,” has met with some opposition in online circles, but we have decided that as copyright holders of material that is printed online we have no interest in talking to them.

“The way it works is that when the court declares you one of the worst copyright-terrorists- you know, a repeat offender, someone who distributes this kind of material to children- and we have in good faith that a lot of these people are in league with the drug cartels down in Mexico- we cut your head off with a guillotine and we put it on a pike outside of the MPAA’s headquarters in Washington, DC. And honestly- this isn’t everybody. We’ve put provisions in for one time offenders who we think have learned their lessons- those guys get their hands cut off, you know, kind of like how they do it with Sharia in Saudi Arabia or whatever,” noted McCarthy. Provisions of the bill also provide for those who leak sensitive government documents (and videos of, say, the US army's murder of civilians) to be sent to reeducation camps, and for counterfeiters to be hung in public squares.

Zombie College Girl’s Inbox

From                                                            Subject

dave@sanford.edu                                       we need to talk about last night

Amazon.com                                               You’re New Arm Has Been Shipped

Comcast                                                       IMPORTANT NOTICE UNPAID BILLS

Sephora Beauty Insider                                New blush! Add some life to your undead cheeks!

Cosmopolitan                                               tricks to warm up your love life

Tha BRAIN factory!                                    **CHEAPEST BRAINS IN TOWN**READ NOW**

dave@sanford.edu                                        u r so green i want u now

Google News                                               Sarkozy Loses Finger During Speech PHOTOS

Sephora Beauty Insider                                Perk Alert! New lancome fly repellant in stock

jenny@sanford.edu                                      decomposing bros and undead hos partaaaayyyy

slater@sanford.edu                                      Reading on the Ethics of Eating Brains for Friday

Comcast                                                       IMPORTANT NOTICE UNPAID BILLS

dave@sanford.edu                                       sorry 4 being such a dick dinner 2night?

Sanford Human Rights Club                       Undead Americans Deserve Free Speech NOW

Google News                                               75% of Population Undead According to Zogby

Sephora Beauty Insider                                Perk Alert! Look like a real person again!

dave@sanford.edu                                       wtf y didnt u tell me u were zombified

jenny@sanford.edu                                      girl, how u doin? hurd you got bit…

Amazon.com                                                Concerning your order: “World War Z”

slater@sanford.edu                                      Class Cancelled Today Due to Zombie Infestation

Comcast                                                       IMPORTANT NOTICE UNPAID BILLS

jill@urbanoutfitters.com                              Sorry, We Don’t Hire Zombies

Sanford Environmental Club                       Go Green Today!

emergency@sanford.edu                             DO NOT APPROACH THE UNDEAD

Sephora Beauty Insider                               50% OFF GREEN FOUNDATION! ACT NOW!

Google News                                              Undead Apocalypse Imminent, Lock Your Doors

Alternate Ending for Rapunzel

Disney's sassy new Rapunzel

Rapunzel had been locked in the same room for three years with no connections to the outside world but a single window and monthly visits from the witch who had enslaved her and placed her in solitary confinement. “Rapunzel! Rapunzel!” cackled the witch, her eyes framed by grotesque wrinkles, her eyebrows gray and bushy and overgrown, “let down your hair!” Rapunzel’s hair, allowed to grow unfettered since she was born, was long enough to act as a rope the witch used to climb up to the tower. Occasionally she would bring Rapunzel food, but more often than not she would beat Rapunzel; for insubordination, for being pretty, for having hair insufficiently long to create a ladder.

Rapunzel was starting to have a hard time figuring out what was real and what wasn’t. Often, she’d hear the cackle at her window and there would be no witch. She feared that any day the witch might scar her to obscure her beauty, or worse, torture her to death. She cut a lock of her hair off and tied it into a series of knots to create a doll, her only companion in solitude. She named her new friend “Wilson” and conversed with him for months about topics ranging from the horrors of captivity to the correct approach to hair-care in a tower with no running water.

“RAPUNZEL! RAPUNZEL!” shrieked the witch, “LET DOWN YOUR HAIR!” She climbed up the massive blonde rope, cackling all the way to the top. “What is THIS?!” she screamed upon finding Wilson, fraying at the edges.

“It’s… nothing…” replied Rapunzel, all hope lost.

“NO FUCKING DOLLS,” replied the witch, taking the knots apart and throwing the tuft of hair out the window. “How many times do I have to tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CUT YOUR HAIR! I brought you a loaf of bread, but now I’m going to eat it all by myself.” And with that, the witch left Rapunzel hungry, depressed, and alone.

Rapunzel took her massive braid and threw it around an outlying brick above her, tying a sturdy knot. She wrapped this strand, directly above her, around her neck, forming a noose, and stood atop her chair, kicking it out from underneath her. As the air left her lungs you could almost hear a sigh of relief at having finally let go.

A few months later, a handsome young prince strode by on his trusty horse and something rank filled his nostrils. “Man, what died here?” he asked himself. He rode home where he never had to work, was constantly doted upon by beautiful women, could torture and kill anyone who disagreed with anything he said, and lived happily ever after. Because that’s what princes do, duh.