A New eHow from Martha Brewster

picture courtesy of "Ask Sam"

How to Poison Someone's Drink

Everyone knows how to poison someone’s drink; you take some poison, put it in some liquid, and innocently offer it to whomever it is that you would like to poison. This method is slightly vague, however, and so we’ve created an easy to follow, fool proof, step-by-step method. (DISCLAIMER: Splatitudes does not endorse the poisoning of anyone’s drink by you, although Martha endorses the poisoning of boarding house members by her.)

1. Know Your Poisons. A poison is not to be confused with a toxin or venom. From wikipedia: “Toxins are poisons produced via some biological function in nature, and venoms are usually defined as biological toxins that are injected by a bite or sting to cause their effect, while other poisons are generally defined as substances which are absorbed through epithelial linings such as the skin or gut.” It also helps to learn a little bit about the different types of poisons so you can make an educated choice.

2. Pick Your Poison. A lot of thought during this step should go into access. If you work in a factory that manufactures silicon computer chips, perhaps hydrogen fluoride is the poison for you; if you work in an industrial lab that produces nitriles for nylon manufacturing, the hydrogen cyanide you have on hand would probably be a prudent choice. Hemlock is accessible to just about anyone who knows where to look, but is difficult to put into liquid form. Mixing can also be fun as it unleashes the inner chemist, and I like to use a teaspoon of arsenic, a teaspoon of strychnine, and a pinch of cyanide.

3. Know Your Victim. Is your victim allergic to shellfish? Because if he/she is, then WHY WOULD YOU USE HYDROGEN FLUORIDE? Instead, you could feed him/her shellfish; shellfish, peanuts, milk, treenuts, latex, eggs, aspirin, and ibuprofen are all readily available and do the trick in a pinch with the right victim. Your own fingerprint will also be harder to trace, which brings us to step four.

4. DON’T BE AN IDIOT. Idiots say things like, “haha, the old ball and chain is allergic” when they buy peanut butter at the grocery store. Idiots type up suicide notes for people who normally write everything by hand. Don’t be “that guy;” keep from acting out of the ordinary and DO NOT flop-sweat, especially when doing something that should not be suspicious. It’s how Nixon lost to Kennedy in 1960.

5. The Easy Part. You take some poison, put it in some liquid, and innocently offer it to whomever it is that you want to poison.

6. Don’t Get Caught. See number four, but you’re on your own on this one.

Possible Variations: You can fill a ceramic mug with drain cleaner and offer it to your victim, a la Heathers, but this only works if said victim is hungover.