Saturday, November 6, 2010

Things You Can Do Now That You're Twenty-One

Congrats! You can now drown someone in Anheuser Busch products!

-Drink yourself to death

-Play half-shattered beer bottle tag

-Waterboard someone in single malt, aged scotch whiskey

-Assassinate a political figure by slipping something into his drink; yeah, that's right, the one you just ordered for him

-Buy a handgun- and/or a semi-auto- and, uh, defend yourself (oh shit, sorry, you could do that one at eighteen)

-Run someone over in a rented car (although the insurance is really high)

-Get kneecapped by someone in Vegas after cheating on the casino floor

-Become an MP in England


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dragons Defeat Knights in Landslide Victory

Nancy Pelosi, knight of California's 8th district, will likely sacrifice herself to the dragons in shame after Tuesday's bloodbath in Haus.

The biggest news this attrition cycle was the utter and complete destruction of knights yesterday by fire-breathing dragons. Dragons have killed 60 knights in the larger battlefield of Haus while knights managed to hold them back- momentarily- in the smaller town of Sen-A'at, suffering casualties of 6. Knights did not manage to kill a single dragon.

Many kind hearted peasant-folk are blaming the knights for their incoherence, inability to work with one-another, inability to eke out a compromise with fire-breathing dragons, and allegiance to nothing but the King's money.

"You ask me, these knights are f***ing rubbish," said one such commoner, under the condition of anonymity. "They would sell the lot of us out to a f***ing alchemist if there was gold in it. And what about this f***ing healthcare reform? Their grand solution for healthcare is forcing us all to pay a tithing to fire-breathing dragons? Why the f*** can't they provide us healthcare?"

The knights did have their fans, however. "I really think that the knights made a valiant effort when they prevented the collapse of General Dragons by giving them a few billion dollars," explained another commoner. "Of course, I don't actually have any effect on this outcome, but I would much rather the knights win."

"My bloody home was taken away by a dragon working with a knight," said John of Merrymount, a serf on a small plot only a few miles away from the battlefields of Sen-A'at and Haus. "Really? These are our options? Dragons, who bathe our homes in fire, and knights, who are only interested in money and self-preservation?"

The dragons, lead by their speaker John Boehner, have as yet refused to explain what exactly their strategy is now that they have effectively conquered the realm of man. "Well, we haven't exactly decided yet, but you can expect some fire-breathing, maybe some turmoil, but really we're just waiting to see how the head knight f***s up," he said in a press conference on Wednesday morning.

"You can expect everything to shut down. And I swear to God, in six years we will roast Harry Reid on a spit," said Jim DeMint, a member of the dragon leadership who got himself into hot water recently after  suggesting that gay dragons were the equivalent of lowly humans, referring to Knight Harry Reid.

One thing was for sure, and that was that the reason the knights lost the battle of Haus was because the Knights had not kowtowed enough to the dragons. "Next time we'll make sure and get [the dragons] an even better tithing than we did with the Health Care Decree or the Bail-Out Decree or the FISA Decree," explained Steny Hoyer, who will likely be the new leader of the Knights following current leader Nancy Pelosi's inevitable ritual sacrifice. "We're sure to win as long as we give them Social Security, and let them continue to force people out of their homes with flames."

Monday, November 1, 2010

Historical Dead Baby Jokes

Babies from around the world!

What do you call 400 or more dead babies over the course of twenty years?
Amelia Dyer's handiwork

How would you describe Charles Lindburgh's baby?

What do you call 12% of North Korea's babies dead?
The Arduous March

Why did the North Korean baby cross the road in 1994?
To avoid dying of starvation

How many dead babies does it take to please a just and loving God?
One, named Isaac

What do you call a half a baby?
A fair compromise according to Solomon, duh

What did the Egyptian dude do upon experiencing the death of his first and only child?
Slapped his forehead and said, "Godamnit! Forgot the lamb's blood again!"