Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Zombie Eats Hooker's Brain, Makes Antisemitic Comments About "Two And A Half Men" Creator

Los Angeles. Zombie, the highest-paid actor on television, spent the last night in jail after being caught in a hotel room cavorting with a prostitute. Officers on the scene described total carnage, involving a ruined tv set, a giraffe that had apparently overdosed on percosset and crack cocaine, and a prostitute whose brain had been eaten.

"I don't see what the big deal is," explained the zombie, "everybody's just pissed cuz' I'm so much more awesome than they are."

Los Angeles County sheriff Martin Doddleman disagreed, however. "These zombies think that they're above the law," he explained. "I mean, if you or I were caught in a hotel room with a dead giraffe, we would be in jail for at least three years."

The zombie, who stars in the CBS sitcom "Two and a Half Men," did not take these allegations seriously. "Look, if that sheriff or whoever wanted to have such an awesome life, he should have made all the smart choices I did. I think he's just jealous that I have the coolest life ever and he's a fucking cop," he told Splatitudes.

During an interview with ABC last night, the zombie called "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre "an excruciatingly bad writer," and said that "it's shocking how much of a untalented asshole he is given that he's Jewish." When asked to comment on the fact that these comments could be viewed in some circles as antisemitic, he countered, "Antisemitic? If somebody said I was good at eating brains, would that be anti-zombie? Psh."

While many are dismayed and insulted at this zombie's words, the prostitute's mother, who is herself a zombie, was not so ready to judge the actor that had murdered her daughter. "Man's gotta eat," she said.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Unfortunate Superheroes

Obaman, a superhero with the ability to quit smoking and throw whistleblowers in jail! Painting by Alex Ross

The Human Giraffe: Blake Barnsley was just an average Joe working at the zoo when a calamity at the nuclear reactor next door fused his own human DNA with giraffe DNA. When his neck proved unable to stand on its own, and it was clear that he would be dragging his head along the ground for his remaining years, he was fired. Sad and downtrodden, he went home and learned how to twist his neck around and literally throw his head at crooks like a foxtail! Unfortunately, after his tenth concussion, he fell into a deep depression and died of chronic traumatic encephalopathy.

Awesome Dude: Awesome Dude was born to the race of Kramdarians, who look exactly like people, on the dying planet Kramdar and sent to Earth when civil war erupted amongst his homeland's inhabitants. Raised by a man and woman, it took him until well into adolescence to realize that the absence of anything but a patch of clammy skin in between his legs was abnormal. In a moment of rage and confusion, he decided to take on the mantle of Awesome Dude to help save the human race from itself, but wound up discovering that he had no super powers aside from a lack of genitalia.

The Reverend: It's a bird! No, wait, it's Ted Haggert! No, it's THE REVEREND. Mild Mannered Lars Lockmeister was born to a relatively agnostic household, but upon discovering the ancient power of scripture he decided to save the world from the evils of abortion, homosexuality, Islam, extramarital sex, masturbation, pornography, Chinamen, liberalism, television, zippers, etc by bombing the crap out of any building that contains them. Donning his black and white costume, The Reverend prowls the streets at night to keep the American family safe.

Ken Jennings: Ken Jennings was thought to have superhuman intelligence after winning numerous rounds of the tv game show Jeopardy, but it turns out he can't even beat A FUCKING COMPUTER.

Soup Man: Crarke Krent was a journalist until discovering that he had the power to advertise within his column on financial issues. At first, he was hired by Campbell's Soup to reference their fine products in his articles, hence the name Soup Man, but eventually he was hired by companies ranging from Bank of America to JPMorgan-Chase to Wells Fargo to tout their products over the competition! With great power comes great responsibility, however, and as soon as firms got word that he was working for multiple banks he lost all of his business. Luckily, he was hired by The Washington Post and continues to do a great job reporting on the ins and outs of press conferences.

The Crab Whisperer: David Drawkriss slept with his beautiful girlfriend, Liza Dipthanger, a nuclear technician, only to realize days later during a trip to the doctor that she had given him pubic lice. Leaving the doctor's office, he viewed some thugs robbing a bank across the street. Before he could even realize what was going on, his crabs had flown out of his pants and begun mercilessly attacking the bank robbers with their tiny little claws and prevented the theft of almost a million dollars. Calling himself The Crab Whisperer, Drawkriss would stop crime wherever he saw it, eventually even saving Awesome Dude's homeland of Kramdar from being taken over by his arch nemesis, Killer Shampoo. Over his lifetime, however, his junk began to look like a chunk of old, wet, termite-invested floor, and eventually fell off.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Splatitudes 2.0

I would like to apologize to all of my loyal readers for missing out on the last few months of blogging. In the weeks following my incident, I thought long and hard about my life, and decided to get plastic surgery in order to take my life back and revamp/replace my missing eye, missing arm, missing fingers, and missing toes! After a long period of thought, a bout of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and a few months under the knife in Mexico, I think it looks great. Check it out:

Dr. Salazar created my new eye by molding latex. He says that it's the most state-of-the-art process that is performed in his field today. I love my new 'look'!

My new hand is also fashioned from the finest latex! While my new hand seems to have varicose veins- and a slit at the top- I think it's great that I can use all of my appendages again! My new fingers are actually made out of cadavers, go figure. I guess the best flesh for humans is human flesh!
I just feel great about myself. I'm still looking for a specialist to restore my toes to their former glory. I'll talk to y'all tomorrow, I'm gonna go try and get my girlfriend back!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Movie Dead Baby Jokes

No, silly, not that kind of baby. ...although I feel like there could be a Lindbergh baby reference in here somewhere, minus about 950,000 dollars

Did you see the sequel to the documentary Babies?
Dead Babies? I heard it was really boring.

Why did Rebecca De Mornay cross the road? 
Because she was hemorrhaging like fucking crazy and she needed a doctor

What do you call the disgusting thing that pops out of John Hurt's Chest?
A live alien baby

Did you hear about the new biopic where Katherine Heigl plays Amelia Dwyer?
27+ Dead Babies?

How many dead babies does it take to send Roman Polanski over the edge?
Only one.

What's the difference between a dead baby and Chucky from Child's Play?
For one thing, Chuckie can move. Although, come to think of it, they do look about the same size.

Why did Angelina Jolie cross the road in the 1928?
To look for her baby, who [spoiler alert] is dead.

Why did the Romanian woman cross the back alley?
Uh, what are you stupid? You're going to get an illegal abortion in the road?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Alternate Endings for James Bond Films

Timothy "H Bond" Dalton. GET IT, HE'S A WEAK BOND


James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
[Bond Dies]


Vijay: Is he still there?
Q: You must be joking! Double O Seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!
[cut to plane crash in Bahamas, close up of Roger Moore's dead eyes]

The Living Daylights

Bond and Kara Milovy have escaped their small holding cell. "You were fantastic. We're free," says Kara. Bond replies, "Kara, we're inside an airbase in the middle of Russian Afghanistan." One of the guards runs out, exclaims, "Timothy Dalton, you are the worst Bond ever!" and shoots him through the heart.

Licence to Kill

The camera opens up on Bond, stoic and emotionless, just staring into the camera, like it's not there, but somehow he's mugging for it anyway, and well... you get the idea. A crazed fan runs out and begins shouting at Bond, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE! NOBODY LIKES YOU! WHY WOULD YOU BE IN A SECOND MOVIE! FUCK YOU!"


M: If you think for one moment I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong. [M motions at one of her bodyguards, who promptly shoots Bond through the head]

Casino Royale

Bond wakes up at Mathis' villa to the realization that his entire genital area is either gone or grossly disfigured after he was tortured by Le Chiffre. Having discovered that this new wheelchair-bound, neutered Bond is only half the man he used to be, Vesper Lynd leaves Bond for greener pastures and makes off with the Queen's money. Bond, distraught that he has been left by the one woman he has given his heart to, kills himself by chewing a piece of explosive gum he has been given by Q.

Quantum of Solace

[doesn't happen because Bond took his own life in Casino Royale]

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Top 5 Worst First Dates EVER

I went on a date with this girl. But the worst part is she's allergic.

5. I got the axe I went on this date with this girl from theology class I thought was cute, although maybe a little too wholesome for me, but when we went back to her place I found out she was actually working with an axe-wielding madman! He chopped off my left arm, two fingers on my right hand, a bunch of toes, and poked my eyes out. Last time I go out with a Catholic girl!

4. The Bee's Knees Everything was going well, and I'd even set up this picnic for us in this secluded romantic park. As she's going down on me, however, this swarm of bees shows up and starts attacking us. I try to get out of her mouth and run away, but she isn't budging. Turns out she went into anaphylactic shock. I believe an "FML" is in order.

3. Choices, choices So we wound up in this Saw-style abandoned warehouse trap in which I was given the choice between killing this girl and my sister, or else we all died. Something about "who you love most" or something. Needless to say, I chose my sister. I feel like anything else would have been a pretty big step for a first date.

2. RAPE! The date itself was okay, but this girl was totally glued to her blackberry even after making me pay for the cab ride home. Seriously, she was just reading about herself on twitter the entire time! What a narcissist! When we got back to my place I could already tell the magic was gone. I only had sex with her because it felt like the right thing to do at the moment, and when the condom broke she made me keep on going even though I felt uncomfortable about it. Two days later I found out she slept with someone else that same week! Yuck! So now we're both pressing rape charges and she's in jail.

1. Leakage Having read her blog a couple of times before she got lazy and gave up on it for a month, I thought this girl would be really cool. But when we got to Starbucks all she wanted to talk about was Wikileaks! I mean, it wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the fact that afterward we went on a four hour walk and she still wouldn't shut up about Julian Assange and how great he is! FOUR HOURS. Who the fuck does that?! Also, she was on her period and noticeably not wearing a tampon, hence the leakage.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

20 Shards of Glass A Day!

Yum! Blown glass pickles! Just like normal pickles with twice the nutritional value!

What's it like to eat nothing but ground up glass every day for two straight months?! We've asked Nino Schibetta, executive director of the Michigan Junk-as-Food Commission, to find out! His blog about the endeavor will be posted here, on Splatitudes, until the two months expire, but then, who knows? Maybe he'll continue posting quizzes and contests to bring attention to the nutritional value of shards of glass!

11/31/2010 17:11 -- Nino
I am so excited to start blogging about this experiment! One of my awesome coworkers is currently poring over the FDA and the USDA archives to find out information on the exact nutritional value of my diet! I can't wait to find out exactly what nutrients I'll be getting daily. We'll post that information tomorrow, when I start my diet! For now, wish me luck!

12/1/2010 20:04 -- Nino
There goes my first amazing day of orgasmic glass-eating! For breakfast I ate a delicious shattered vase that my wife made for me. She's so great! She even melted a little bouillon cube onto it for extra flavor. For lunch I ate a glass plate, piece by piece, and then for dinner I had a blown glass sculpture of a fried chicken leg made especially for me to commemorate my little diet! Thanks so much guys, you shouldn't have!

12/2/2010 14:25 -- Nino
Just finished eating a delicious lunch of ground up shards-of-glass with maple syrup! Yum! Did you know that glass is a cheaper source of iron and riboflavin than breakfast cereal? The more you know...

12/3/2010 16:45 -- Nino
Today was my son's baseball tournament! Those little boys played their hearts out and lost the championship, but you know what, it's not about winning or losing, it's about fun! So we all went out for pizza and while all of the kids were eating pizza I was eating... shards of glass! I've been having a hard time meeting my 2000 calorie intake eating only shards of glass, and today in spite of having eaten more than twenty shards of glass I only ate 1500 calories! Also I got a really bad nosebleed today! I'm really tired, gonna go to bed. See you all tomorrow! ;)

12/4/2010 21:32 -- Nino
I walked by my favorite Chinese food restaurant and felt the scent of Kung Pao chicken waft into my nostrils today, but I resolved to stay strong! My wife even made me a sort of shards-o-glass stir fry to lighten my mood! Unfortunately, I began to bleed out of my eyes and ruined the whole dish! Sorry, hon!

12/5/2010 10:30 -- Nino
I feel like absolute s*** today and I called out of work. Maybe eating only shards of glass every day for two months wasn't such a great idea? Or maybe it's something completely unrelated! Either way, not feeling well, and blood has started to drip out of my right ear and its making hearing pretty hard! On another note, shards of glass are a great source of Vitamin C! I'm gonna go back to bed though! Talk to you tomorrow!

12/6/2010 12:15 -- Nino
There is blood all over my house and I'm starting to feel faint! My wife made me glass loaf- sort of like meat loaf, but with nothing but glass and calorie-less sauce- and get this, my nose literally fell off! My son started crying, and I told him, son, nobody likes a quitter! So here I am, on day 6, with some sort of awful disease, and I'm still eating nothing but shards of glass!

12/7/2010 16:22 -- O'Reily