Thursday, December 16, 2010

Movie Dead Baby Jokes

No, silly, not that kind of baby. ...although I feel like there could be a Lindbergh baby reference in here somewhere, minus about 950,000 dollars

Did you see the sequel to the documentary Babies?
Dead Babies? I heard it was really boring.

Why did Rebecca De Mornay cross the road? 
Because she was hemorrhaging like fucking crazy and she needed a doctor

What do you call the disgusting thing that pops out of John Hurt's Chest?
A live alien baby

Did you hear about the new biopic where Katherine Heigl plays Amelia Dwyer?
27+ Dead Babies?

How many dead babies does it take to send Roman Polanski over the edge?
Only one.

What's the difference between a dead baby and Chucky from Child's Play?
For one thing, Chuckie can move. Although, come to think of it, they do look about the same size.

Why did Angelina Jolie cross the road in the 1928?
To look for her baby, who [spoiler alert] is dead.

Why did the Romanian woman cross the back alley?
Uh, what are you stupid? You're going to get an illegal abortion in the road?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Alternate Endings for James Bond Films

Timothy "H Bond" Dalton. GET IT, HE'S A WEAK BOND


James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
[Bond Dies]


Vijay: Is he still there?
Q: You must be joking! Double O Seven on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!
[cut to plane crash in Bahamas, close up of Roger Moore's dead eyes]

The Living Daylights

Bond and Kara Milovy have escaped their small holding cell. "You were fantastic. We're free," says Kara. Bond replies, "Kara, we're inside an airbase in the middle of Russian Afghanistan." One of the guards runs out, exclaims, "Timothy Dalton, you are the worst Bond ever!" and shoots him through the heart.

Licence to Kill

The camera opens up on Bond, stoic and emotionless, just staring into the camera, like it's not there, but somehow he's mugging for it anyway, and well... you get the idea. A crazed fan runs out and begins shouting at Bond, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE! NOBODY LIKES YOU! WHY WOULD YOU BE IN A SECOND MOVIE! FUCK YOU!"


M: If you think for one moment I don't have the balls to send a man out to die, your instincts are dead wrong. [M motions at one of her bodyguards, who promptly shoots Bond through the head]

Casino Royale

Bond wakes up at Mathis' villa to the realization that his entire genital area is either gone or grossly disfigured after he was tortured by Le Chiffre. Having discovered that this new wheelchair-bound, neutered Bond is only half the man he used to be, Vesper Lynd leaves Bond for greener pastures and makes off with the Queen's money. Bond, distraught that he has been left by the one woman he has given his heart to, kills himself by chewing a piece of explosive gum he has been given by Q.

Quantum of Solace

[doesn't happen because Bond took his own life in Casino Royale]

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Top 5 Worst First Dates EVER

I went on a date with this girl. But the worst part is she's allergic.

5. I got the axe I went on this date with this girl from theology class I thought was cute, although maybe a little too wholesome for me, but when we went back to her place I found out she was actually working with an axe-wielding madman! He chopped off my left arm, two fingers on my right hand, a bunch of toes, and poked my eyes out. Last time I go out with a Catholic girl!

4. The Bee's Knees Everything was going well, and I'd even set up this picnic for us in this secluded romantic park. As she's going down on me, however, this swarm of bees shows up and starts attacking us. I try to get out of her mouth and run away, but she isn't budging. Turns out she went into anaphylactic shock. I believe an "FML" is in order.

3. Choices, choices So we wound up in this Saw-style abandoned warehouse trap in which I was given the choice between killing this girl and my sister, or else we all died. Something about "who you love most" or something. Needless to say, I chose my sister. I feel like anything else would have been a pretty big step for a first date.

2. RAPE! The date itself was okay, but this girl was totally glued to her blackberry even after making me pay for the cab ride home. Seriously, she was just reading about herself on twitter the entire time! What a narcissist! When we got back to my place I could already tell the magic was gone. I only had sex with her because it felt like the right thing to do at the moment, and when the condom broke she made me keep on going even though I felt uncomfortable about it. Two days later I found out she slept with someone else that same week! Yuck! So now we're both pressing rape charges and she's in jail.

1. Leakage Having read her blog a couple of times before she got lazy and gave up on it for a month, I thought this girl would be really cool. But when we got to Starbucks all she wanted to talk about was Wikileaks! I mean, it wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the fact that afterward we went on a four hour walk and she still wouldn't shut up about Julian Assange and how great he is! FOUR HOURS. Who the fuck does that?! Also, she was on her period and noticeably not wearing a tampon, hence the leakage.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

20 Shards of Glass A Day!

Yum! Blown glass pickles! Just like normal pickles with twice the nutritional value!

What's it like to eat nothing but ground up glass every day for two straight months?! We've asked Nino Schibetta, executive director of the Michigan Junk-as-Food Commission, to find out! His blog about the endeavor will be posted here, on Splatitudes, until the two months expire, but then, who knows? Maybe he'll continue posting quizzes and contests to bring attention to the nutritional value of shards of glass!

11/31/2010 17:11 -- Nino
I am so excited to start blogging about this experiment! One of my awesome coworkers is currently poring over the FDA and the USDA archives to find out information on the exact nutritional value of my diet! I can't wait to find out exactly what nutrients I'll be getting daily. We'll post that information tomorrow, when I start my diet! For now, wish me luck!

12/1/2010 20:04 -- Nino
There goes my first amazing day of orgasmic glass-eating! For breakfast I ate a delicious shattered vase that my wife made for me. She's so great! She even melted a little bouillon cube onto it for extra flavor. For lunch I ate a glass plate, piece by piece, and then for dinner I had a blown glass sculpture of a fried chicken leg made especially for me to commemorate my little diet! Thanks so much guys, you shouldn't have!

12/2/2010 14:25 -- Nino
Just finished eating a delicious lunch of ground up shards-of-glass with maple syrup! Yum! Did you know that glass is a cheaper source of iron and riboflavin than breakfast cereal? The more you know...

12/3/2010 16:45 -- Nino
Today was my son's baseball tournament! Those little boys played their hearts out and lost the championship, but you know what, it's not about winning or losing, it's about fun! So we all went out for pizza and while all of the kids were eating pizza I was eating... shards of glass! I've been having a hard time meeting my 2000 calorie intake eating only shards of glass, and today in spite of having eaten more than twenty shards of glass I only ate 1500 calories! Also I got a really bad nosebleed today! I'm really tired, gonna go to bed. See you all tomorrow! ;)

12/4/2010 21:32 -- Nino
I walked by my favorite Chinese food restaurant and felt the scent of Kung Pao chicken waft into my nostrils today, but I resolved to stay strong! My wife even made me a sort of shards-o-glass stir fry to lighten my mood! Unfortunately, I began to bleed out of my eyes and ruined the whole dish! Sorry, hon!

12/5/2010 10:30 -- Nino
I feel like absolute s*** today and I called out of work. Maybe eating only shards of glass every day for two months wasn't such a great idea? Or maybe it's something completely unrelated! Either way, not feeling well, and blood has started to drip out of my right ear and its making hearing pretty hard! On another note, shards of glass are a great source of Vitamin C! I'm gonna go back to bed though! Talk to you tomorrow!

12/6/2010 12:15 -- Nino
There is blood all over my house and I'm starting to feel faint! My wife made me glass loaf- sort of like meat loaf, but with nothing but glass and calorie-less sauce- and get this, my nose literally fell off! My son started crying, and I told him, son, nobody likes a quitter! So here I am, on day 6, with some sort of awful disease, and I'm still eating nothing but shards of glass!

12/7/2010 16:22 -- O'Reily

Monday, December 6, 2010

Santa Claus Assassinated in Drone Strike

Image of Santa Claus released by Interpol

For our earlier coverage of Drones, click here, here, and here.

NORTH POLE- The militant leader Santa Claus was killed in a drone strike last night on the border between this arctic outpost and neighbor Canada, according to security contractors who requested anonymity. The border, which has recently turned into a hot-spot for elven extremist terrorism, has become increasingly unstable since political unrest forced Canadian PM Stephen Harper to disband parliament.

"We can't just sit idly by as Santa's merry elves get their hands on a nuclear device," explained Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in an interview last Friday with ABC's Matt Lauer.

The threat of Santa and his elves building their own weapon is, however, highly unlikely as Santa's workshop, located at North Pole capital Santa'a, has recently been reduced to rubble by US cluster bombs.

Sources say that Santa's radicalization began about fifteen years ago when one of his elves showed him pictures of the 1996 shelling of the Qana, Lebanon refugee camp by Israeli soldiers. According to CIA officials, intelligence indicates that Santa was planning on crashing his sled into the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower in Chicago, in a plot reminiscent of 9/11.

According to recently leaked documents procured by the whistleblower website Wikileaks, leadership throughout the northern hemisphere that had seemed friendly to Santa Claus have in fact been asking the United States to intervene in the north pole on their behalf. "You need to bomb them to the ground. Santa Claus is an existential threat who must be stopped," said Finland's president Tarja Halonen.

Russian PM Vladimir Putin agreed in a separate cable, also calling him "an existential threat," but adding "if Russia wanted to, we could have him in Siberia tomorrow watching as his severed penis is fed to strong Russian dogs," and noting that "Santa Claus is weaker than f***ing Medvedev."

"Luckily, that won't be necessary," said a CIA official. "We got him the good, old-fashioned, legal way, away from anything so dangerous as a battlefield."

The real losers here, however, are the children of the world, who will not be receiving presents this year. "I can't believe they killed Santa," said one girl, in tears. "NOW I'LL NEVER GET MY HASBRO PRETTY POLLY DOLL! WAAAAHHHHH." One activist put it surprisingly succinctly: "Oh come on, we all know that Santa Claus isn't real- er, not a real threat."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

New TSA Procedure

Gosh, that bald eagle makes me feel way better about some thirty year old on a power trip playing with my six year old son's balls

The primary goal of the TSA is to create a fun, safe environment for flying with minimal embarrassment for travelers. In fact, we've even allocated as much as five thousand tax-payer dollars towards training our officers to understand that passengers have boundaries. In addition, we've spoken with an American in a wheelchair to better suit the needs of the disabled.

The Process:

TSA has finally struck the perfect balance between security and comfort with our newest procedure. While you may be unfamiliar with these new procedures, we assure you that they have been created for your safety. Because terrorists have begun to swallow bombs in order that they may kill you, and the freedom you love, you may be subject to exploratory stomach surgery.

For Your Privacy and Comfort:

A trained TSA official will make an incision with a scalpel in your abdominal area and, wearing sterile gloves, feel around for prohibited material with the back of his/her hand. Don't worry, you will only be searched by a person of the same sex, and you may request that this search be done in private.

Baggage Screening:

Occasionally the exploratory surgery will warrant a closer look inside of your baggage. Our TSA officers have been trained to do this as discretely as possible, and most airports now have tables with side-walls in order to protect your privacy. We suggest that you think carefully about what you put in carry-on baggage, as most clothing will result in indefinite detention for the safety of the passengers around you.

Passengers with Disabilities:

Passengers with disabilities will be laughed at as discreetly as possible, especially if their disability necessitates some sort of urine-holding device. If you are one such passenger, you should be aware that having more than three ounces of urine in your body will result in jail time.

We suggest that you communicate with our trained officers about your condition, although your exploratory surgery will be subject to the same rigor as those of other passengers. People with pacemakers will also be subject to exploratory heart surgery, and those with bionic legs will be kept from planes as there is no way of knowing whether or not they are in fact robot terrorists from the future.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Republican Pundit Debates Democratic Pundit About Wikileaks

Artist's rendition of Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange, courtesy of

For our earlier investigative reporting Julian Assange, click here

Republican: Good afternoon, Democrat.

Democrat: Good afternoon, Republican.

Republican: So we've got a lot to talk about, what with news that Sweden has issued an arrest warrant for Julian Assange on charges of rape.

Democrat: I think we're really missing the point here, when we talk about these allegations. The real news is that the New York Times has obtained evidence that Julian Assange is actually a swamp monster. I mean, can we really trust information relayed to us by a swamp monster?

Republican: See- now, I know, we disagree on a lot [laughs]- but this is one thing we can agree on. I don't understand why people seem to care so much about these rape charges when in reality this Mr. Assange is some sort of axe-wielding swamp terrorist.

Democrat: Now hold on a second. I don't know that I would go that far. I mean, we don't even really have reliable intelligence that he has an axe, so I don't think we could call him a terrorist.

Republican: What about material support for terrorism? He's given aide to the terrorists! Don't you understand? That makes him a terrorist.

Democrat: Well, I mean, if we knew he had an axe... That would be material support for terrorism.

Republican: I think we're arguing over semantics here. I think we can both agree that Mr. Assange should be arrested.

Democrat: Oh, well, duh.

Republican: Luckily, though, we've got Julian Assange's body double here to talk with us via interweb vision technology. What do you have to say for yourself, asshole?

Australian Baritone with Brown Hair: Well, I just think that-

Democrat: I see you've got a new haircut.

ABBH: Look, these ridiculous charges that I'm some kind of Swamp-

Democrat: It really suits you, you know.

Republican: Really? You've got the representative of one of the world's most nefarious terrorist organizations on and you want to ask him about his haircut? I want this piece of shit to tell my why I shouldn't just shoot him and make the real Julian Assange come out of his swamp.

Democrat: We don't know for sure it's a swamp.

Republican: Maybe it's a cave... Maybe it's the same cave as Bin Laden!

Democrat: Well, we don't know that for sure.

ABBH: Uh, excuse me, there are actually important revelations in these documents. Secretary of State Clinton literally asked US Diplomats to spy on top UN-


Democrat: Yeah, I mean, that information is sorta, you know, classified.

Republican: You know, my magazine won't even publish information regarding that kind of sensitive material.

ABBH: You know, neither one of you is a real journalist.

Democrat: Hey! That's not fair. The newspaper I work for just buries all of the worthwhile information under tons of unreliable bullshit about Iran's nuclear program. I mean, just yesterday we did a piece about how The US pressured both Germany and Spain to refrain from investigating torture of innocent nationals from their countries. I mean, yeah, it was on A27, but that's not that bad, right?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tis the Season... FOR SPLATITUDES

Seriously, what the fuck is this guy's problem

I would like to apologize to both of you loyal readers for missing out on the month of November. What happened, might you ask? I turned twenty one, blacked out at a bar, woke up in the basement of a masked man with a chainsaw and escaped less one left arm, one right eye, two fingers on my right hand and a number of toes that I have not had the resilience to count yet. After that weekend, I spent two weeks crying and another week learning how to type with only two fingers. I am sorry if this information causes distress for some people, but I believe I owe to my readers to explain my situation.

And now, without further ado, the top ten things that suck about my life:

10. I am developing carpal tunnel in my two remaining fingers

9. I am no longer ambidextrous

8. While I was gone my roommate drank all of my Four Loco and NOW IT'S ILLEGAL WTF

7. I no longer have a hard time identifying with Daniel Day Lewis's character in "My Left Foot"

6. The man who maimed me will not be prosecuted due to pressure from the pro-chainsaw lobby

5. My depth perception is so skewed that objects in mirror are generally closer than... well, actually, I have no idea where the fuck they are

4. The assailant also cut my tongue off (guess I forgot to mention that one), and I am now no longer able to bring my girlfriend to orgasm

3. She left me for a lumberjack (OH THE CRUEL IRONY)

2. I haven't yet figured out how to masturbate using only my thumb, pinky and forefinger without hurting myself

1. I have to go back to school in the Spring