Saturday, February 26, 2011

Unfortunate Superheroes

Obaman, a superhero with the ability to quit smoking and throw whistleblowers in jail! Painting by Alex Ross

The Human Giraffe: Blake Barnsley was just an average Joe working at the zoo when a calamity at the nuclear reactor next door fused his own human DNA with giraffe DNA. When his neck proved unable to stand on its own, and it was clear that he would be dragging his head along the ground for his remaining years, he was fired. Sad and downtrodden, he went home and learned how to twist his neck around and literally throw his head at crooks like a foxtail! Unfortunately, after his tenth concussion, he fell into a deep depression and died of chronic traumatic encephalopathy.

Awesome Dude: Awesome Dude was born to the race of Kramdarians, who look exactly like people, on the dying planet Kramdar and sent to Earth when civil war erupted amongst his homeland's inhabitants. Raised by a man and woman, it took him until well into adolescence to realize that the absence of anything but a patch of clammy skin in between his legs was abnormal. In a moment of rage and confusion, he decided to take on the mantle of Awesome Dude to help save the human race from itself, but wound up discovering that he had no super powers aside from a lack of genitalia.

The Reverend: It's a bird! No, wait, it's Ted Haggert! No, it's THE REVEREND. Mild Mannered Lars Lockmeister was born to a relatively agnostic household, but upon discovering the ancient power of scripture he decided to save the world from the evils of abortion, homosexuality, Islam, extramarital sex, masturbation, pornography, Chinamen, liberalism, television, zippers, etc by bombing the crap out of any building that contains them. Donning his black and white costume, The Reverend prowls the streets at night to keep the American family safe.

Ken Jennings: Ken Jennings was thought to have superhuman intelligence after winning numerous rounds of the tv game show Jeopardy, but it turns out he can't even beat A FUCKING COMPUTER.

Soup Man: Crarke Krent was a journalist until discovering that he had the power to advertise within his column on financial issues. At first, he was hired by Campbell's Soup to reference their fine products in his articles, hence the name Soup Man, but eventually he was hired by companies ranging from Bank of America to JPMorgan-Chase to Wells Fargo to tout their products over the competition! With great power comes great responsibility, however, and as soon as firms got word that he was working for multiple banks he lost all of his business. Luckily, he was hired by The Washington Post and continues to do a great job reporting on the ins and outs of press conferences.

The Crab Whisperer: David Drawkriss slept with his beautiful girlfriend, Liza Dipthanger, a nuclear technician, only to realize days later during a trip to the doctor that she had given him pubic lice. Leaving the doctor's office, he viewed some thugs robbing a bank across the street. Before he could even realize what was going on, his crabs had flown out of his pants and begun mercilessly attacking the bank robbers with their tiny little claws and prevented the theft of almost a million dollars. Calling himself The Crab Whisperer, Drawkriss would stop crime wherever he saw it, eventually even saving Awesome Dude's homeland of Kramdar from being taken over by his arch nemesis, Killer Shampoo. Over his lifetime, however, his junk began to look like a chunk of old, wet, termite-invested floor, and eventually fell off.

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