Thursday, December 9, 2010

Top 5 Worst First Dates EVER

I went on a date with this girl. But the worst part is she's allergic.

5. I got the axe I went on this date with this girl from theology class I thought was cute, although maybe a little too wholesome for me, but when we went back to her place I found out she was actually working with an axe-wielding madman! He chopped off my left arm, two fingers on my right hand, a bunch of toes, and poked my eyes out. Last time I go out with a Catholic girl!

4. The Bee's Knees Everything was going well, and I'd even set up this picnic for us in this secluded romantic park. As she's going down on me, however, this swarm of bees shows up and starts attacking us. I try to get out of her mouth and run away, but she isn't budging. Turns out she went into anaphylactic shock. I believe an "FML" is in order.

3. Choices, choices So we wound up in this Saw-style abandoned warehouse trap in which I was given the choice between killing this girl and my sister, or else we all died. Something about "who you love most" or something. Needless to say, I chose my sister. I feel like anything else would have been a pretty big step for a first date.

2. RAPE! The date itself was okay, but this girl was totally glued to her blackberry even after making me pay for the cab ride home. Seriously, she was just reading about herself on twitter the entire time! What a narcissist! When we got back to my place I could already tell the magic was gone. I only had sex with her because it felt like the right thing to do at the moment, and when the condom broke she made me keep on going even though I felt uncomfortable about it. Two days later I found out she slept with someone else that same week! Yuck! So now we're both pressing rape charges and she's in jail.

1. Leakage Having read her blog a couple of times before she got lazy and gave up on it for a month, I thought this girl would be really cool. But when we got to Starbucks all she wanted to talk about was Wikileaks! I mean, it wouldn't be that bad if it weren't for the fact that afterward we went on a four hour walk and she still wouldn't shut up about Julian Assange and how great he is! FOUR HOURS. Who the fuck does that?! Also, she was on her period and noticeably not wearing a tampon, hence the leakage.

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