New TSA Procedure

Gosh, that bald eagle makes me feel way better about some thirty year old on a power trip playing with my six year old son's balls

The primary goal of the TSA is to create a fun, safe environment for flying with minimal embarrassment for travelers. In fact, we've even allocated as much as five thousand tax-payer dollars towards training our officers to understand that passengers have boundaries. In addition, we've spoken with an American in a wheelchair to better suit the needs of the disabled.


The Process:

TSA has finally struck the perfect balance between security and comfort with our newest procedure. While you may be unfamiliar with these new procedures, we assure you that they have been created for your safety. Because terrorists have begun to swallow bombs in order that they may kill you, and the freedom you love, you may be subject to exploratory stomach surgery.

For Your Privacy and Comfort:

A trained TSA official will make an incision with a scalpel in your abdominal area and, wearing sterile gloves, feel around for prohibited material with the back of his/her hand. Don't worry, you will only be searched by a person of the same sex, and you may request that this search be done in private.

Baggage Screening:

Occasionally the exploratory surgery will warrant a closer look inside of your baggage. Our TSA officers have been trained to do this as discretely as possible, and most airports now have tables with side-walls in order to protect your privacy. We suggest that you think carefully about what you put in carry-on baggage, as most clothing will result in indefinite detention for the safety of the passengers around you.

Passengers with Disabilities:

Passengers with disabilities will be laughed at as discreetly as possible, especially if their disability necessitates some sort of urine-holding device. If you are one such passenger, you should be aware that having more than three ounces of urine in your body will result in jail time.

We suggest that you communicate with our trained officers about your condition, although your exploratory surgery will be subject to the same rigor as those of other passengers. People with pacemakers will also be subject to exploratory heart surgery, and those with bionic legs will be kept from planes as there is no way of knowing whether or not they are in fact robot terrorists from the future.