Republican Pundit Debates Democratic Pundit About Wikileaks

Artist's rendition of Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange, courtesy of metsfanfiction.blogspot.com

For our earlier investigative reporting Julian Assange, click here

Republican: Good afternoon, Democrat.

Democrat: Good afternoon, Republican.

Republican: So we've got a lot to talk about, what with news that Sweden has issued an arrest warrant for Julian Assange on charges of rape.

Democrat: I think we're really missing the point here, when we talk about these allegations. The real news is that the New York Times has obtained evidence that Julian Assange is actually a swamp monster. I mean, can we really trust information relayed to us by a swamp monster?

Republican: See- now, I know, we disagree on a lot [laughs]- but this is one thing we can agree on. I don't understand why people seem to care so much about these rape charges when in reality this Mr. Assange is some sort of axe-wielding swamp terrorist.

Democrat: Now hold on a second. I don't know that I would go that far. I mean, we don't even really have reliable intelligence that he has an axe, so I don't think we could call him a terrorist.

Republican: What about material support for terrorism? He's given aide to the terrorists! Don't you understand? That makes him a terrorist.

Democrat: Well, I mean, if we knew he had an axe... That would be material support for terrorism.

Republican: I think we're arguing over semantics here. I think we can both agree that Mr. Assange should be arrested.

Democrat: Oh, well, duh.

Republican: Luckily, though, we've got Julian Assange's body double here to talk with us via interweb vision technology. What do you have to say for yourself, asshole?

Australian Baritone with Brown Hair: Well, I just think that-

Democrat: I see you've got a new haircut.

ABBH: Look, these ridiculous charges that I'm some kind of Swamp-

Democrat: It really suits you, you know.

Republican: Really? You've got the representative of one of the world's most nefarious terrorist organizations on and you want to ask him about his haircut? I want this piece of shit to tell my why I shouldn't just shoot him and make the real Julian Assange come out of his swamp.

Democrat: We don't know for sure it's a swamp.

Republican: Maybe it's a cave... Maybe it's the same cave as Bin Laden!

Democrat: Well, we don't know that for sure.

ABBH: Uh, excuse me, there are actually important revelations in these documents. Secretary of State Clinton literally asked US Diplomats to spy on top UN-

Republican: WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT THE FUCK PAL!

Democrat: Yeah, I mean, that information is sorta, you know, classified.

Republican: You know, my magazine won't even publish information regarding that kind of sensitive material.

ABBH: You know, neither one of you is a real journalist.

Democrat: Hey! That's not fair. The newspaper I work for just buries all of the worthwhile information under tons of unreliable bullshit about Iran's nuclear program. I mean, just yesterday we did a piece about how The US pressured both Germany and Spain to refrain from investigating torture of innocent nationals from their countries. I mean, yeah, it was on A27, but that's not that bad, right?