Santa Claus Assassinated in Drone Strike

Image of Santa Claus released by Interpol

For our earlier coverage of Drones, click here, here, and here.

NORTH POLE- The militant leader Santa Claus was killed in a drone strike last night on the border between this arctic outpost and neighbor Canada, according to security contractors who requested anonymity. The border, which has recently turned into a hot-spot for elven extremist terrorism, has become increasingly unstable since political unrest forced Canadian PM Stephen Harper to disband parliament.

"We can't just sit idly by as Santa's merry elves get their hands on a nuclear device," explained Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in an interview last Friday with ABC's Matt Lauer.

The threat of Santa and his elves building their own weapon is, however, highly unlikely as Santa's workshop, located at North Pole capital Santa'a, has recently been reduced to rubble by US cluster bombs.

Sources say that Santa's radicalization began about fifteen years ago when one of his elves showed him pictures of the 1996 shelling of the Qana, Lebanon refugee camp by Israeli soldiers. According to CIA officials, intelligence indicates that Santa was planning on crashing his sled into the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower in Chicago, in a plot reminiscent of 9/11.

According to recently leaked documents procured by the whistleblower website Wikileaks, leadership throughout the northern hemisphere that had seemed friendly to Santa Claus have in fact been asking the United States to intervene in the north pole on their behalf. "You need to bomb them to the ground. Santa Claus is an existential threat who must be stopped," said Finland's president Tarja Halonen.

Russian PM Vladimir Putin agreed in a separate cable, also calling him "an existential threat," but adding "if Russia wanted to, we could have him in Siberia tomorrow watching as his severed penis is fed to strong Russian dogs," and noting that "Santa Claus is weaker than f***ing Medvedev."

"Luckily, that won't be necessary," said a CIA official. "We got him the good, old-fashioned, legal way, away from anything so dangerous as a battlefield."

The real losers here, however, are the children of the world, who will not be receiving presents this year. "I can't believe they killed Santa," said one girl, in tears. "NOW I'LL NEVER GET MY HASBRO PRETTY POLLY DOLL! WAAAAHHHHH." One activist put it surprisingly succinctly: "Oh come on, we all know that Santa Claus isn't real- er, not a real threat."