Fourth Hand Smoke Kills Babies

Jonathan Winickoff, Harvard researcher and anti-smoking advocate. "No seriously, I don't see a conflict of interest in taking most of the money for my research from the company that manufactures nicorette," he explains.

We've heard of the cancer-causing properties of second hand smoke, and the IQ-lowering properties of third hand smoke, but now a Harvard-educated doctor has brought a dangerous new form of tobacco ingestion to light: fourth hand smoke.

"If you are in a room with someone who recently had contact with a smoker days after smoking a cigarette- even if it was outside- your children will die," explained Dr. Jonathan Winickoff. "In our study of five different lab rats, we found that after the lab rats had been exposed to second hand smoke that one of their children- residing in another pen, in a different room, with no contact with the parents- died."

This is an alarming new development, as parents who used to believe that their children who had only experienced tobacco through anti-smoking commercials were safe now know that they are not.

"Gosh, after I heard about fourth hand smoking, I just- I can't believe that these fucking illegal immigrants- excuse me, smokers- would knowingly harm my children like this," explained one fearful parent, under the condition of anonymity.

"F*** this, this is just an excuse to raise the taxes on packs of cigarettes," explained one misguided soul, lost to the allures of Big Tobacco. "If this bulls*** about fourth hand smoke- or third hand smoke, for that matter- was true, why don't they just make them illegal?"

But the tragedy of fourth hand smoke is all too real. Just ask Miriam Schlotznick, a local shop-owner. "My child died from fourth hand smoke," she said. "My ex-husband is a smoker, and one day my child walked into the middle of the street and got hit by a car and died."

"As if the fourth hand thing isn't bad enough, our study of lab rats also shows that smokers are more likely to gauge the eyes out of passers-by with silverware, brutally murder their loved ones and eat and/or have sex with the corpses, carry the bubonic plague, and yearn for a simpler life in a sewer," elaborated Dr. Winickoff.

"I don't say this to defame smokers," he added, "just to protect our children. And to get people who smoke to quit smoking using Nicorette (TM) gum. Oh yeah, and to create more smoke-free public spaces. And to make it illegal to smoke indoors. Also so people understand that allowing a smoker in their house- even if that person hasn't smoked a cigarette all day- will kill their children."