Halloween Tips: Places to Steer Clear of This Halloween

Some folks may try to abduct your children, dye their hair strange colours, and put them on the market for prostitution. The first step towards prevention is awareness.

Halloween is a fun, spooky night for the whole family; that said, we've all heard the horror stories about razor blades in candy apples and axe murderers who would like nothing more than to rape and kill your children. That's why we passed Megan's Law! Now YOU can go onto the internet and find out where monstrous sex offenders lurk near YOUR house. Of course, sometimes looking through the sex offender registry isn't enough to keep your children safe on Halloween. That's why we've created a list of neighborhoods in the Boston area to steer clear of.

The Fens: Reports coming from The Fens suggest that young people have been given anthrax and botulism coated candy in the area, and that the homeless people are not only creepy but also dangerous and highly skilled in the art of stealing your children. We suggest that for a fun, safe halloween you simply stay away from this neighborhood.

The Back Bay: While the Back Bay is home to some of Boston's most successful lawyers, it is also home to numerous child rapists and murderers who have not been caught yet. We suggest that if you take your kids to the Back Bay, you should have your head checked.

Beacon Hill: Rich people in Beacon Hill have a taste for young flesh, and enjoy showing off their youthful trophies to their rich friends. If you don't want your children to be taken and taxidermied we suggest keeping away from Beacon Hill.

The Theater District: Okay, so the Theater District isn't dangerous, and the people there won't kidnap your children. But seriously, do want your kids to be inundated with gay propaganda? Studies show that having a gay child is worse than having no child at all. You don't want your kid to be brainwashed by homosexuals, do you?

Chinatown: They will take your child and tear his/her fingernails out, as if your child were a member of the Falun Gong cult, one by one. Or perhaps drip water on your child's forehead until he/she goes insane. Also, be aware, the people of Chinatown could steal your low-wage factory job!

Allston/Brighton: Allston is a hedonistic wonderland of premarital sex, wanton drug use, and murder. A massive, scaled monster with red eyes and a taste for child-blood has been sighted running around Allston and looking for children in home-made costumes. If you want your child to be safe trick-or-treating in Allston, we suggest you shop for your child's costume at a local Target.

Cambridge/Somerville: The hippies of Cambridge and Somerville will force your kids to take lethal doses of Acid (LSD), suggesting that it will make them see magical unicorns.

Roxbury/Mattapan/Jamaica Plain: These poor neighborhoods are full of poor people who wear baggy clothing and speak in urban dialect. These poor people will kill you for your watch. In the middle of the street. Even if it's in the middle of the day, and your watch is a Timex. That's why you should never walk through/drive through/look at Roxbury at night. Especially if it's Halloween.

As you can see, the only safe places in Boston on Halloween are Government Center, where our dutiful civil servants work day and night to keep you safe, and Faneuil Hall, where you can trick or treat safely at Boston Confection and Creamery (TM) or Kilvert & Forbes Ltd. (TM) for a nominal fee. Trust us, it's worth it to keep your child from being abducted, tortured, subjected to human trafficking, drugged, brainwashed into accepting homosexual behavior, and shot dead.